The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com:
OBAMA NAMED COUNTRY MUSIC ENTERTAINER OF THE YEAR; Surprise Selection Shocks Nashville
GOP CLAIMS OLYMPIA SNOWE WAS BORN IN KENYA; Birthers Demand Proof of Non-Kenyan Status
NOBEL INSIDERS: BEER SUMMIT SEALED IT FOR OBAMA; Rose Garden Bash Gets High Marks in Oslo
NBC PRESSURES LENO TO HAVE AN AFFAIR; Network Seeks Scandal for Ratings-Starved Host
NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF UNDERTAKERS BACKS GOP HEALTH PLAN; Funeral Directors: ‘Works for Us’
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
MENTAL PATIENT BREAKS INTO U.N., GIVES 90-MINUTE SPEECH; Breach of Security Under Review
CRITICISM OF OBAMA ‘NOT ABOUT RACE,’ SAYS NEW POLL OF WHITE PEOPLE; Foreign Birth, Resemblance to Hitler Cited
MAN SUCCUMBS TO 7-YEAR BATTLE WITH HEALTH INSURANCE
CONGRESS DEADLOCKED OVER HOW TO NOT PROVIDE HEALTH CARE
BUSH QUESTIONS BREVITY OF OBAMA’S VACATION; Short Break ‘Sends Wrong Message to Terrorists’
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
OBAMA NAMES THURSDAY ‘DRINK A BEER WITH SOMEONE WHO ARRESTED YOU DAY’; President Touts Healing Power of Beer
AMERICA LESS SAFE WITH PALIN NO LONGER KEEPING EYE ON RUSSIA; Former Gov. Urges Wasillans to Fill Security Void
GOLDMAN SACHS IN TALKS TO ACQUIRE TREASURY DEPARTMENT; Sister Entities to Share Employees, Money
OBAMA AXES PENTAGON PLAN TO BUILD BILLION-DOLLAR TANK IN SHAPE OF DRAGON
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF MEDICINE REPORTS MENTAL HEALTH EPIDEMIC AMONG REPUBLICAN GOVERNORS; Erratic Behaviors Cited
SANFORD: ‘I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY STATE’; Latest Statement Stirs Controversy
OBAMA TO HOLD JOB PERFORMANCE REVIEW WITH EVERY AMERICAN WORKER
COMEDIANS MOURN PALIN’S RESIGNATION; Candlelight Vigils Held
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
AHMADINEJAD WINS STANLEY CUP
AYATOLLAH WARNS IRANIANS: ‘I AM FOLLOWING YOU ALL ON TWITTER’
ENSIGN: HOURS SPENT ON TANNING BED ‘FRIED MY JUDGMENT’
GINGRICH ACCUSES SOTOMAYOR OF FAKING BROKEN ANKLE; Bid to Get ‘Sympathy Votes,’ Says Newt
OBAMA REVISES CAMPAIGN PROMISE OF ‘CHANGE’ TO ‘RELATIVELY MINOR READJUSTMENTS IN CERTAIN FAVORABLE POLICY AREAS’
NATION READY TO BE LIED TO ABOUT ECONOMY AGAIN
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
OBAMA PRESENTS SAUDI KING WITH 2009 CHEVY MALIBU; Hopes to Make Room for 2010s
U.S. TO RESPOND TO NORTH KOREA WITH ‘STRONGEST POSSIBLE ADJECTIVES’; Obama: We Are Prepared to Consult Thesaurus
GITMO DETAINEES TRANSFERRED TO ‘BIG BROTHER’ HOUSE; Jihadists Score Slot on Network’s Fall Sked
GINGRICH: PELOSI NOT GOOD ENOUGH LIAR TO BE SPEAKER; Offers Congresswoman Lying Lessons
DEPARTMENT OF LABOR SPENDS $40 BILLION TO CREATE ONE AMAZING NEW JOB
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
MISS CALIFORNIA VOWS TO USE HER NAKED BREASTS FOR GOOD; Fight Against Gay Marriage Will Be ‘Tireless, Topless’
SOCIAL SECURITY OVERHAULED TO PROVIDE ‘EARLY-DEATH INCENTIVES’
CHENEY TO TRAVEL AROUND COUNTRY IN SOUND TRUCK; Hopes to Bring Pro-Torture Message to Every State
ANGRY CLEVELAND INDIANS FANS DEMAND TEAM TAKE STEROIDS; Threaten Boycott of ’Roid-free Squad
CNN WARNS SWINE FLU COULD CONTINUE THROUGH SWEEPS; Scary Reporting Spreads to MSNBC
The following satirical headlines come from the Web sites theOnion.com and borowitzreport.com:
OBAMA QUITS WHILE AHEAD; Prez Resigns After Hundred Days: ‘All Downhill From Here’
OBAMA ORDERS EMERGENCY QUARANTINE OF BIDEN; Veep to be Kept in Sealed Box
GOP REAFFIRMS PRO-SWINE POSITION
OBAMA MAINTAINS COOL DEMEANOR WHILE READING END OF ‘OLD YELLER’ TO SCHOOLKIDS
G-175 NATIONS CONVENE TO DISCUSS HOW THINGS CAN’T POSSIBLY BE ANY WORSE
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com:
CHENEY STARTS PRO-TORTURE FACEBOOK PAGE; Creates Social Network for Waterboarding Fans
OBAMA OPENS CHEVY DEALERSHIP ON WHITE HOUSE LAWN; Slashes Prices on Malibus, Cobalts
TALENTED UGLY PERSON BAFFLES WORLD; Networks Lift Restrictions on Unsightly
JIM CRAMER DECLARES DEPRESSION OVER, MILLIONS PANIC; ‘Run for Your Lives’ Heard on Wall Street
MADOFF TO HELP U.S. SELL BAD ASSETS; Legendary Swindler Pressed Into Service
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
IN NEW TERROR VIDEO, AIG DEMANDS HUGE RANSOM FROM U.S.; Shadowy Group Seeks Bonuses, Golf Retreats
CHENEY TO PEN BUSH’S MEMOIR; First Vice President in History to Write President’s Book
LOCAL OFFICE BETTING ON WHO WILL WIN NCAA TOURNAMENT POOL AT OTHER OFFICE
FDA APPROVES SALMONELLA
U.S. TROOPS IN IRAQ EXCITED TO FINALLY RETURN TO AFGHANISTAN
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com:
MADOFF BLAMES PONZI SCHEME ON YOUTH, IMMATURITY; Was Only in His 60s, Financier Explains
CIA FOLLOWING BIN LADEN ON TWITTER; Hopes to Locate Madman Via Tweets
LIMBAUGH ROOTING FOR PLANET TO EXPLODE; Could Help GOP, Radio Host Claims
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com:
OBAMA SEEKS NEW COMMERCE SECRETARY ON CRAIGSLIST; Places Online Classified
GEITHNER WARNS HIS TALKING COULD CAUSE DEPRESSION; Markets Plunge on Treasury Secretary’s Latest Statement
ALEX RODRIGUEZ BACKS STIMULUS; Says Economy Needs Shot in Arm
OBAMA CONSIDERS TAX ON CABINET; Would Create Budget Surplus, Experts Believe
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com:
STARBUCKS ELIMINATES COFFEE, CUPS, STIR-THINGIES; Latest Cost-cutting Measures
OBAMA SENDS BIDEN ON ‘SPECIAL MISSION’ TO ANTARCTICA; High-level Trip Could Last Four Years, President Hints
OBAMA POISED TO BECOME MOST ASS-KISSED PRESIDENT IN HISTORY; Suckage Reaching New Heights, Historians Say
BUSH REPEALS ENGLISH LANGUAGE; Last Official Act as President
OBAMA HOPES TO CALM AMERICANS WITH SERIES OF BORING SPEECHES; Economic Address Contains Opposite of Stimulus
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com:
YANKEES SIGN IRAQI HURLER; Shoe-throwing Right-hander Impresses Scouts
NBC TO REPLACE ENTIRE PRIMETIME SCHEDULE WITH PEACOCK LOGO; Bird Symbol to Air From 8 to 10
ILLINOIS GUV OFFERS SENATE SEAT TO ARRESTING OFFICER; Daring Escape Attempt Caught on Tape
POLL: AUTO CEOS NOT WORTH $1 A YEAR; Would Be ‘Overpaid,’ Survey Says
ANGRY KUCINICH REMINDS OBAMA HE WAS RIVAL; Hail Mary Bid for Postmaster General
The following satirical headlines come from the Web site borowitzreport.com:
CHINA BUYS NAMING RIGHTS TO U.S.; Nation to Be Renamed ‘Panda Garden’
OBAMA NAMES ANGELINA JOLIE, JENNIFER ANISTON TO ‘TEAM OF RIVALS’; Praises Actresses’ Mutual Hatred
OBAMA’S USE OF COMPLETE SENTENCES STIRS CONTROVERSY; Stunning Break With Last Eight Years
BUSH IN RACE AGAINST TIME TO WRECK COUNTRY; Legacy of Destruction at Stake
“In a devastating blow to millions of unsuspecting Americans, newly elected president and international con man Barack Obama fled the country Wednesday with nearly $85 million in campaign funds,” the satirical Web site the Onion reported. Obama and his associate “Michelle” have pulled that same scam in other countries, according to the Onion. “This explains Portugal in ‘86, Finland in ‘94, and Greece in ‘90,” CIA director Michael Hayden said.
The satirical news Web site the Onion spoofed the historic national election results by making its lead story last Wednesday about the “thrilling conclusion to one of the longest and most anticipated elections in U.S. history” – a city council race in Wichita. Wichita City Council races weren’t on the ballot this year, of course, but the fake story did include a lot of accurate Wichita details, such as correctly identifying local landmarks and the name of Wichita’s mayor. And the platform of the fictitious winning candidate (in photo) sounded pretty good: a proposed downtown parking facility and a streamlined recycling pickup schedule. The news story summarized: “At last, the whole dramatic saga – the whisper campaigns about new property taxes on the Rolling Hills Country Club, the attack ads in The Wichita Eagle, the stirring speeches on issues as fundamental as the proposed remedies to traffic congestion on Kellogg Drive – have come to a final, thrilling and, for many, joyful conclusion.”
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com:
Palin Hoping to Be Named Ambassador to Africa; ‘A Darned Important Country,’ Says Guv
Failure to Blow Election Stuns Democrats; Party Faithful Mourn End to Losing Tradition
Obama Infomercial to Offer Americans Rock-hard Abs; Candidate Unveils ‘Obamaciser’
Retail Sector Soars on News that Palin Seeks New Outfit; Guv’s Shopping Gives Economy Much-needed Jolt
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com:
MCCAIN SENDS BIDEN TO KEY SWING STATES; ‘Just Keep Talking,’ Says McCain
MCCAIN SAYS OBAMA’S ACTUAL FIRST NAME IS ‘THAT’; Raises Fresh Questions About Senator One
PALIN BLASTS OBAMA’S TIES TO WEATHER CHANNEL; ‘Palling Around With Meteorologists,’ Governor Claims
O.J. SEEKS BAILOUT; Juice: Incarceration Would Hurt Cable Networks’ Bottom Line
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com:
CHINA’S GOLD MEDALS FOUND TO HAVE HIGH LEAD CONTENT
POLL: OBAMA FARING POORLY AMONG RACISTS; Bigots Oppose Barack by 1000-1 Margin
ENQUIRER PUBLISHES PHOTO OF BABY WITH $400 HAIRCUT
BIDEN PREPARES 50,000-WORD ACCEPTANCE SPEECH; Senator to Address Convention on Wednesday, Thursday
Former Clinton strategist Mark Penn approves of John McCain’s Paris Hilton “celebrity” ad and negative ads in general, writing on Politico.com that “Clever negative advertising works. That is reality.”
He adds, “Done fairly, (negative ads) serve a legitimate role” by exposing an opponent’s weaknesses.
He’s right, of course, on one level — negative ads often do “work.” But at what cost?
Note that in the primary, Penn recommended an all-out negative strategy that would have attacked Barack Obama for not being “fundamentally American in his thinking and in his values.”
How would that have helped the party?
Clinton didn’t take the advice — to her credit. Penn’s piece is revealing about the warped mindset of winning at all costs that drives modern campaigns.
The following satirical news story comes from borowitzreport.com:
“A member of the U.S. Olympic diving team was disqualified from competition today when it was learned that he did not have a sufficiently compelling human story line to exploit on the NBC telecast of the worldwide sporting event.
“Tracy Klujian, the expelled diver, was not raised by a single mother, never had a career-threatening injury, and did not overcome a personal tragedy of any kind before making the Olympic diving team, U.S. Olympic officials revealed today.”
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com:
OBAMA LEADS McCAIN IN FREQUENT FLIER MILES; Next Trip to Iraq Will Be Free, Aides Say
McCAIN MAKES HISTORIC FIRST VISIT TO INTERNET; Will Spend Five Days at Key Sites
OBAMA RELEASES LIST OF APPROVED JOKES ABOUT HIMSELF; Bid to Help Late-Night Comics
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com:
LIBERAL BLOGGERS ACCUSE OBAMA OF TRYING TO WIN ELECTION; Nominee Called Traitor to Democrats’ Losing Tradition
McCAIN PROPOSES TAX HOLIDAY FOR BEER HEIRESSES; Says Brewery Scions Could Lead Economic Revival
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com:
McCAIN VOWS TO CAMPAIGN IN ALL 13 COLONIES; Kicks Off Contest in Dominion of Virginia
STRAIGHT MAN ACCIDENTALLY SEES ‘SEX AND THE CITY’; ‘Terrifying’ Experience, Says Home Depot Clerk
McCAIN: SUNNIS, SHIITES ‘TRYING TO CONFUSE ME’; Will Stay in Iraq Until He Can Tell Them Apart, Mac Says
