The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
Courageous Senators Stand Up to American People
North Korean Missile Test Delayed by Windows 8
Palestinians, Israelis Come Together to Mock Obama’s Hopelessly Naive Speech
Republicans Call for Tougher Sanctions on Beyonce
Justin Bieber Fan Jealous of Anne Frank
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
Scalia Furious He Had to Hear About Gay Couples All Week
‘This Is a Pointless Trip,’ Obama Says While Shaking Hands With Netanyahu
Cheney Marks 10th Anniversary of Pretending There Was Reason to Invade Iraq
Emotional Wayne LaPierre Honors Victims of Background Checks
Mississippi Bans Soft Drinks Smaller Than 20 Ounces
Supreme Court Rules Gays Can Drink 16-Ounce Sodas
Kim Jong Un: ‘The only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke’
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
Unsuccessful Pope Candidate Blames Media
Ryan Budget Plan Gets Endorsement From Ayn Rand
Poll: Majority of Americans Opposed to Being Killed by Drone
Pentagon: Cuts Could Hamper Ability to Invade Countries for No Reason
House Science Committee Questions Existence of Meteors
Chinese Hackers Drop U.S. Government From List of High-Value Targets
NRA Defends Right to Own Politicians
Gun Sales Soar on Photo of Armed Obama
Republicans Praise Obama for Offering Bold Vision to Thwart
List of Politically Achievable Reforms Down to Just Three Minor Changes to Traffic Code
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
Republicans Apologize to Top 1.5 Percent
Washington Celebrates Solving Totally Unnecessary Crisis They Created
Senate Outraged at Having to Work Weekend to Save Nation
Al-Qaida Disbands; Says Job of Destroying U.S. Economy Now in Congress’ Hands
GOP Freshmen Saddened by Failure to Shut Down Government on First Day
Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack
Russell Crowe Praised for Stunning Portrayal of Man Who Cannot Sing or Act in ‘Les Miserables’
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
Billionaires Warn Higher Taxes Could Prevent Them From Buying Politicians
Boehner: Obama Needs to Stop Acting Like He Won Election
Time Names Mitt Romney Man of the Year 1912
U.S. Signs Declaration of Dependence on China
Obama Paranoid Government Coming for His Guns
Mumford and Sons Can’t Believe They All Got Each Other Mandolins for Christmas
Taylor Swift Apparently Now Dating ‘Garfield’ Creator Jim Davis
‘The Hobbit’ Features 53-Minute-Long Scene of Bilbo Baggins Trying to Figure Out What to Pack
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
Obama: ‘I Will Allow 10 States to Secede, But No More’
Republicans Blast Susan Rice for Misleading Public: ‘That’s Our Job’
Disturbance of Arafat’s Grave Casts Horrible Curse on Middle East
Congressmen Torn Between Meaningless Pledge to Anti-Tax Zealot, Well-Being of Nation
Obama: Second Term Will Be Like ‘Breaking Bad’ Times ‘Homeland’ Plus ‘The Sopranos’
New Season of ‘Downton Abbey’ Jumps Forward to Year 2121
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
Petraeus Started Affair Last Year to Cover Up Benghazi, Says Conspiracy Theorist
Conservative Megadonors Spent Week Yelling at Their Money
Needy Nation Breaks Down After First Full Week Without Being Pandered to by Politicians
As Syria Spirals Into Chaos, the Media Ask: Is It Really Over for Justin and Selena?
Nation Horrified to Learn About War in Afghanistan While Reading up on Petraeus Sex Scandal
John Travolta, Olivia Newton-John Christmas Album Plunges Nation Into Double-Dip Recession
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
Nation Spends $2.5 Billion on Nothing
Nation’s Women Wake Up Relieved to Find Selves Still in 2012
Boehner’s 48 Hours of Pretending to Work With Obama Set New Record
Heavily Armed Karl Rove Spotted at Top of Electoral College Clock Tower
Republicans Consider Welcoming People Who Believe in Math and Science
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
Nation’s Lower Class Still Waiting for First Mention by Either Presidential Candidate
Romney Says He Favors Abortion in Cases Where It Makes People Vote for Him
Obama Takes Out Romney With Mid-Debate Drone Attack
Hot New App From the GOP Modernizes Minority Voter Suppression
Ben Roethlisberger Admits Wearing Steelers Throwback Jersey Lowest Point in His Life
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
Town Hall Attendees Still Standing Patiently Waiting for Their Questions to Be Answered
Romney Sets New Personal Best for Faking Empathy
Bruce Springsteen Accidentally Plays ‘Big Government’s Stealin’ Our Livelihood’ at Obama Rally
Ryan Handed Romney’s Latest Political Positions Before Walking on Stage
Pennsylvania Republican Doubts Vote He Just Suppressed Would Even Have Made a Difference
Gallup Poll: Rural Whites Prefer Ahmadinejad to Obama
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
Clinton Regrets Reading Short Version of Speech
Biden Says Life Better Than It Was 4 Years Ago But Nothing Can Touch Summer of ’87
Rising Star John Kerry’s Stirring Speech Paves Way for 2016 Presidential Run
Guantanamo Prisoners Released Into Cheering DNC Crowd
Poll: Romney Trails Empty Chair
Ryan Calls Nomination Greatest Triumph Since Winning Tour de France
DNC Lacking Same Delusional Magic It Had in 2008
Paul Ryan Cuts $120 Million in Wasteful Spending From Romney Campaign
Unemployed Man Who Had to Move Back in With His Parents Still for Obama
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
GOP Offers Delegates Tips on Pretending to Like Romney
‘You Did Great!’ Terrified Personal Assistant Tells Clint Eastwood
As Hurricane Approaches, Romney Calls for Emergency Tax Cuts
Lance Armstrong Lets Down Single Person Who Still Believed Him
RNC Builds Levee Out of Poor People to Protect Convention Site
Ground Emerges as Tim Tebow’s Favorite Target
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
Republicans Move Convention to 17th Century
Nation’s Underfunded Public Education System To Experiment With Shortened 6-Day School Year
Republicans Condemn Akin’s Comments As Blemish On Party’s Otherwise Spotless Women’s Rights Record
‘Romney Murdered JonBenét Ramsey,’ New Obama Campaign Ad Alleges
Pregnant Woman Relieved To Learn Her Rape Was Illegitimate
Americans Pool Together $945.23 To Counteract Corporate Money’s Influence In Politics
Nation’s Economists Quietly Evacuating Their Families
Obama Criticized For Living In Lavish Mansion While Most Americans Struggle To Make Ends Meet
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
Mars Rover Should Not Get So Much Attention, Say Higgs-Boson Scientists
Wendy’s Wants Consumers to Know It’s Fine With Gays, Disapproves of Interracial Marriage
Herman Cain Lifts Suspension of Presidential Campaign
Study: Pretending Everything’s OK Works
Area Family Awakes to Find Michelle Obama Tending Backyard Garden
Mitt Romney Soars in Polls After Leaving Country
NBC on Olympics Coverage: ‘Sorry We Didn’t Alter the Laws of Space and Time to Accommodate People’s Schedules’
LeBron James Admits Current USA Basketball Team Couldn’t Beat 2012 Miami Heat
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
Romney Claims Dog Ate Tax Returns and Ran Bain Capital for Three Years
Obama Pledges to Repeal Health Care Law if Re-elected
Bachmann Claims White House Has Links to Extremist Group Called Democrats
Chinese Workers Hail Romney’s Record as Job Creator
Man Has Reached a Point Where He Is Now Dumber Than His Telephone
Economically Healthy Daily Planet Now Most Unrealistic Part of Superman Universe
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
Romney Blasts Supreme Court, Calling Health Care Act ‘Worst Idea I Ever Had’
Trump Says John Roberts’ Birth Certificate Is Fake
Fox News Reports: Egypt Follows U.S. in Electing Muslim President
Egyptians Dismayed to Learn They Imported Democracy From Florida
Embarrassing Bounced Check From Greece Taped Up in IMF Headquarters
Miami Heat Defeat Nation’s Basketball Fans to Win NBA Championship
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
Struggling to Fill No. 2 Post, al-Qaida Resorts to LinkedIn
Quick-Lube Shop Masters Electronic Record Keeping Six Years Before Medical Industry
Romney Spends Most of Factory Visit Yelling at Employees to Work Harder
Governor Too Embarrassed to Say Which State He Leads
Canada Bracing for Massive Influx of Wisconsin Boat People
New Apple Devices Will Make It Even Easier to Ignore Your Family
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
Hoping for Knockout Punch, CIA Sends JPMorgan Execs to Infiltrate al-Qaida
Blind Chinese Dissident Already Sick of Kardashians
U.S. Sends Emergency Shipment of Negative Campaign Ads to Egypt
North Carolina Weighs Ban on Electricity, Soap
Fox News Reports: France Joins America in Electing Socialist President
Fracking Industry Now Largest Employer of Recent PR Graduates
Report: Every Potential 2040 President Already Unelectable Due to Facebook
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
Romney Pays Surprise Visit to his Money in the Caymans
Obama Launches More Realistic ‘I Have Big Ideas But We’ll See How It Goes’ Campaign Slogan
Longtime Teacher Retires Without Changing a Single Student’s Life
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
Gingrich Urges Romney to Drop Out so He Can Focus on General Election
Fox News Wins Pulitzer for Fiction
Republicans Reveal That Entire Presidential Race Was a Prank
Greece Buys Mega Millions Ticket
Backup Health Care Plan Involves Nation Sharing One Big Jar of Ointment
Florida Police Warn Public Against Taking Law Into Own Hands Unless It’s That Law Specifically Designed for You to Do That
Citing Safety Concerns, Somali Pirates Refuse to Board Cruise Ships
Charlotte Bobcats Still Practicing for Some Reason
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
Tebow, Sanchez Vow to Work Together to Throw Football
Potential Matchup Between Black Man and Mormon Poses Dilemma for Bigots
In Possible Gaffe, Romney Says Poor People ‘Taste Like Chicken’
In Positive Economic Sign, Republicans Starting to Say Again That Obama Wasn’t Born in U.S.
GOP Voters: ‘Can We See What It Looks Like With Huntsman And Perry Again?’
Gay Tiger Attacks Santorum
New Breeding Program Aimed at Keeping Moderate Republicans from Going Extinct
Knicks Trade Jeremy Lin For Selfish Jerk Who Plays Knicks-Style Basketball
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
Obama Begins State of the Union by Asking Congress to Imagine Newt Gingrich Standing Before Them
Exit Polls Reveal Majority of South Carolina Voters Had Emotional Breakdown in Voting Booth
Romney Cements Status as Candidate Who Can Somehow Lose to Newt Gingrich
Stung by Defeat, Romney Considers Adultery
In Confident Sign, Gingrich Changes Facebook Status to ‘In an Open Relationship’
Obama Openly Asks Nation Why on Earth He Would Want to Serve for Another Term
Internet Blackout Forces Millions to Interact With Each Other
Romney Vows to Undo Everything Obama Has Done: ‘I Will Make Bin Laden Alive Again’
Scandalous Photos Reveal Grover Norquist Carried on Secret Affair With Taxes for Years
Critics Slam Obama for ‘Just Standing There’ During Photo Op
Good for the Kansas Board of Regents for directing the state’s public universities to draft proposed policies on mandatory reporting of child abuse to law authorities. Kansas has a mandatory-reporting law for teachers and certain other professionals, but it doesn’t apply to universities. The issue came to the regents’ attention after the Penn State scandal, in which school officials apparently did not report to authorities their suspicions of child abuse by an assistant football coach. University employees should have more than just a moral responsibility to report suspected abuse; they should have a legal one, too.
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
Poll: Majority of Likely Voters Say They Were Sexually Harassed by Cain
In Moneymaking Scheme, Greece to Wed Kim Kardashian for 72 Days
China Announces ‘Occupy America’
American Voters Worried About Botching Another Election
Bank of America Says It Will Refund Its $5 Debit Card Fee if Customers Pay a $10 Refund Fee
The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
Gadhafi Killed; Mauled by Tiger in Ohio
Wrong People Arrested on Wall Street; Goldman Boss: ‘Thought They Were Finally Coming for Us’
Cheney Says He Supports Leaving Iraq ‘as Long as We Go Through Iran’
NBA Players, Owners Agree That Both Sides Are Selfish
Federal Government to Reduce Madoff’s Sentence if He Can Infiltrate U.S. Economy in 48 Hours and Turn it Around
Mitt Romney’s Goal to Connect With One Voter by the Time This Is All Over
