“President Obama said he would’ve fired BP CEO Tony Hayward if he worked for him. But unfortunately, as you know, the White House works for BP.” — Jay Leno
“Vice President Biden and Rahm Emanuel had a water gun fight during a party at Biden’s house. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia spent the last few days trying to solve the BP oil crisis.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Women won big in California, Arkansas, Nevada and South Carolina. These are exciting times. I can remember when only rich white men could buy elections. Now women can buy them, too.” — Leno
“You know who performed at the Rush Limbaugh wedding? Elton John. Isn’t that amazing? It proves that there’s absolutely no ideological gap that a million-dollar check can’t bridge.” — David Letterman
“James Cameron has been called in to help BP stop the oil spill. Soon, they’ll be failing in 3-D.” — Stephen Colbert
“An American adventurist strapped himself to a bunch of helium balloons and floated from England to France. Immediately afterward, people in Mexico asked, ‘Exactly how many balloons?’” — Jimmy Fallon
“BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that’s ruining the ocean.” — Jimmy Fallon
“This is the end of the big TV viewing season. For example, ‘Lost,’ that’s gone. ‘Law & Order,’ wrapping it up. Also say goodbye to the Gulf of Mexico.” — David Letterman
“British Petroleum began this operation known as ‘top kill,’ which comes on the heels of their previous operations, ‘fish kill’ and ‘bird kill.’” — Jay Leno
“British Petroleum is starting to get a little defensive. Have you heard their new slogan? ‘Yeah, like you never spilled anything before.’” — Jay Leno
“They’re going to suck all of that oil that’s leaking into the Gulf and pump it up into a tanker. Now the bad news is the tanker is the Exxon Valdez.” — David Letterman
“The Coast Guard is now saying that 20 of these things called tar balls have been found off the Florida Keys. They’re not sure if the tar balls are from the Gulf Coast spill. Seriously? It’s like finding a giant clock necklace and not being sure it’s from Flavor Flav.” — Jimmy Fallon
“The British Petroleum oil executives — the guys responsible for the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico — they testified before Congress. This was great. They were criticized by the same guys who approved drilling in the Gulf.” — David Letterman
“BP, Transocean and Halliburton are blaming each other for the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. They are all right.” — Jay Leno
“President Obama just nominated Elena Kagan to be the next Supreme Court justice. He went against the advice of Joe Biden. Biden wanted Iron Man.” — Craig Ferguson
“We caught a suspect in the failed Times Square attack. The suspect says he acted alone. Yeah, really alone. Even his bomb wasn’t in on it.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Don’t you feel secure, ladies and gentlemen, knowing that the only thing standing between you and terrorism is a T-shirt vendor?” — David Letterman
“Experts say if this SUV bomb had gone off, it could have caused almost as much damage to New York City as Goldman Sachs.” — Jay Leno
“British Petroleum says that they have a plan now to clean up the vast oil spill. You know what it is? Hot tub time machine.” — Letterman
“I don’t understand the United Nations. They have selected Iran to sit on the U.N.’s women’s rights panel. Iran! Also on the panel — Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Brown, Phil Spector, Robert Blake and committee chairman O.J. Simpson.” — Leno
“The top executive of Goldman Sachs testified before Congress today. So that proves crooks always return to the scene of the crime.” — Jay Leno
“Former President Bush is writing his memoir. Writing his autobiography about his eight years in the White House. He’s not done with it yet, but he’s already put up the ‘mission accomplished’ banner.” — David Letterman
“It’s called ‘Decision Points,’ which narrowly edged out its original title of ‘My Bad.’” — Jimmy Kimmel
“The state of Arizona has a new slogan: ‘Get out.’” — Leno
“President Obama said he hopes the volcano will stop smoking soon, and the volcano said the same thing about him.” — Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama and a group of prominent Democrats proposed a solution to the erupting volcano. They want to pour money into it.” — Jay Leno
President Obama “didn’t owe a lot in taxes. He has a lot of dependents. He’s got his wife, two daughters, AIG, General Motors, Goldman Sachs.” — Jay Leno
“There’s a rumor going around that Hillary Clinton could be Obama’s choice for the next Supreme Court justice. That’s a lifetime appointment that would take up all of her time, or as Bill Clinton calls it, ‘She’ll take it.’” — Jimmy Fallon
“Since leaving her job as the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin has made more than $12 million. That is a lot of money for someone who can’t say words that end in ‘g.’” — Jimmy Kimmel
“Next week the president of China will be at the White House. And good news: He has no plans to foreclose.” — Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, was speaking at the alcohol convention in Las Vegas, Nev. Because, I mean, let’s face it, nothing says family values like gambling and liquor.” — David Letterman
“President Obama threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals’ game. Obama took a short windup and threw a high-arcing pitch. Of course, Democrats saw the pitch as moderately close to the middle, while Republicans are calling it ‘way to the left and possibly socialist.’” — Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama didn’t actually throw the ball. He got it to the catcher’s mitt through a series of back-door dealings.” — Leno
“A lot of upsets over the weekend. Kansas lost to Northern Iowa. Georgetown lost to Ohio. Republicans lost to the Democrats.” — Jay Leno
“In Washington, D.C., history was made. Congress actually worked on a Sunday.” — David Letterman
President Obama “won health care reform approval to extend coverage to millions of uninsured Americans or, as the Republicans are calling it, ‘Armageddon.’” — Jimmy Kimmel
“If you took all the money the Republicans have spent to stop health care and all the money Democrats have spent trying to get health care, we could afford health care.” — Jay Leno
“President Obama announced over the weekend that he gets 20,000 letters a day calling him an idiot. And I said, ‘Hey, welcome to the club.’ . . . But in all fairness, a lot of those letters come from Dick Cheney.” — David Letterman
“President Obama called for an overhaul of the No Child Left Behind law. It will now be called ‘The World Needs Janitors, Too.’” — Jimmy Fallon
“A new poll out today shows that 22 percent of voters strongly approve of the job President Obama is doing, 43 percent strongly disapprove of the job he’s doing, and the other 35 percent are holding off judgment until he actually does something.” — Jay Leno
“President Obama hosted the Alabama Crimson Tide football team at the White House. At one point, the quarterback threw a football to Obama, which was the first time during his presidency that anything’s gotten passed.” — Jimmy Fallon
Former Rep. Eric Massa, D-N.Y., “admits to groping, fondling and tickling. And I’m thinking, why isn’t this guy governor of New York?” — David Letterman
“President Obama had his first physical exam as president. . . . The doctor said he was in much better shape than the country.” — Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin has been shopping around her own reality show. Yeah. Of course, any reality show about Sarah Palin will have to compete with that other reality show about Sarah Palin: the news.” — Jimmy Fallon
“New Yorkers are desperate. They’re trying to get (Gov. David) Paterson to leave early, and I said to myself, ‘That sounds like a job for Jay Leno.’” — David Letterman
The health care summit went on “for a little more than six hours, which, coincidentally, happens to be exactly the average wait time at the emergency room if you were to go in with something bleeding.” — Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s a great day for former Vice President Dick Cheney, who was released from the hospital. He’s doing well. Doctors say he’ll be up and shooting lawyers in no time.” — Craig Ferguson
“President Obama has announced that he’s approving construction of two new nuclear reactors. And George W. Bush immediately stood up and screamed, ‘It’s nucular!’” — David Letterman
“A new Gallup poll found that 44 percent of Americans would vote for President Obama in 2012, while 42 percent would vote for a Republican candidate. If you are wondering about the other 14 percent, let’s just say Bieber fever has gotten a little out of control.” — Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama in Washington met with the Dalai Lama, despite strong objections from the Chinese government. China considers the Dalai Lama a threat to their sovereignty and warned that if Obama met with him, it would damage U.S.-Chinese relations. They’ve even threatened to stop sending us poisonous toys.” — Jimmy Kimmel
“Congratulations to the world champion New Orleans Saints for winning the Super Bowl. That’s the best thing to happen to New Orleans since George Bush left office.” — Jay Leno
“Everybody’s happy for New Orleans. In fact, FEMA announced plans to congratulate them in about two weeks.” — Jimmy Fallon
“A lot of Republicans attended President Obama’s Super Bowl party. And I thought, ‘Oh, yeah, they care about New Orleans now’” — David Letterman
“It was Bill Clinton who popularized the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy. But don’t confuse that with another Clinton policy, ‘don’t ask, don’t tell Hillary.’” — David Letterman
“Great Britain and America now have proposed a half-billion-dollar fund to create jobs for Taliban members who agree to lay down their arms. And if it works there, they’re going to offer the same deal to NBA players.” — Jay Leno
“The Obama administration is planning huge changes to President Bush’s No Child Left Behind law. The new law will be called, ‘Let’s Face It, Some Kids Are Just Duds.’” — Jimmy Fallon
On Monday’s “Late Show” on CBS, David Letterman revealed top 10 surprises in the $3.8 trillion federal budget:
10. $3.5 trillion given to committee fighting overspending.
9. President now has to pay $25 for each bag he brings aboard Air Force One.
8. Cut NASA budget so much, next mission is to New Haven, Conn.
7. Estimate does not include convenience fee of $3.95.
6. Government is raising the money by sending out a drunk Rip Torn to rob banks.
5. United States pays for Ahmadinejad’s tan windbreakers.
4. It allocates $5 billion for a giant wallet to hold all money.
3. Don’t tell him, it’s a surprise, but McCain’s getting a new Craftmatic adjustable bed.
2. $1 billion research grant to figure out what the hell iPad does.
1. The naked centerfold of Sen.-elect Scott Brown.
“It’s hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. And you know, it’s incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: the Republican Party.” — Jay Leno
“Obama’s pick to head the TSA withdrew his name because he performed an illegal background check on his ex-wife’s boyfriend. Still, that’s an improvement from the TSA’s normal procedure: not performing background checks.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Scott Brown made a victory speech where he mentioned his two daughters were available. At least this explains his campaign slogan, ‘Scott Brown, creepy for Massachusetts, creepy for America.’” — Conan O’Brien
“In 2009, the FBI reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people.” — Jimmy Fallon
“The Shady Lady brothel in Nevada has a 25-year-old man named Marcus, and he’s become the first legal male prostitute in American history. Well, the first one not elected to the United States Senate, of course.” — Jay Leno
“President Obama announced a plan to recover federal bailout money from banks. I guess that explains why Biden was seen buying a gun and a ski mask.” — Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama’s approval rating is down to 46 percent. But the White House has an idea for how to get it back up again. What they’re going to do is bring back Bush and Cheney for a week.” — Jimmy Kimmel
“The Senate majority leader, Harry Reid, is in the news. He’s still under fire for remarks he made about President Obama’s blackness. Sources say he could face congressional censure or, even worse, be promised ‘The Tonight Show’ at 11:30.” — Conan O’Brien
“Now, according to The New York Times, al-Qaida is claiming responsibility for the wreckage at NBC.” — David Letterman
“President Obama took his daughters to see the 3-D version of ‘Avatar.’ There was an awkward moment when one of Obama’s daughters leaned over to him and whispered, ‘Now, that’s how you spend half a billion dollars.’” — Conan O’Brien
“I was reading today that President Obama has started updating the Oval Office to reflect his personality, which basically just means he took down President Bush’s autographed cast photo from the ‘Dukes of Hazzard.’” — Jimmy Fallon
“The Senate’s health care bill is expected to pass on Christmas Eve. Yeah. Because, really, what’s more American than waiting until Christmas Eve to finally wrap something up?” — Jimmy Fallon
“It does look like the Democrats have their 60 votes for health care. Harry Reid said this bill will save us hundreds of millions of dollars. Well, it would have, except for the hundreds of millions of dollars we had to pay to buy the 60 votes, but other than that. . . .” — Jay Leno
“The Senate is ready to pass the health care bill. No public option, no buy-in, no op-out, no trigger. Do you folks know what this means? Neither do I.” — David Letterman
“President Obama’s approval rating has now dipped below 50 percent. To tell you how bad it is, people are now finding ways to sneak out of the White House.” — Jay Leno
“Santa Claus is making a list and checking it twice. Now why can’t the Secret Service do that?” — David Letterman
“Santa Claus, as you know, has a plan to fly around the world to deliver toys to all the good little boys and girls. Unfortunately, it’s being blocked right now by Joe Lieberman.” — Jimmy Kimmel
“Computer technicians in Washington say they have found 22 million missing e-mails from President George W. Bush’s administration. And you can tell the e-mails are from the Bush administration because they all begin, ‘Dear Santa.’” — Conan O’Brien
