“Almost half of Congress are millionaires. Isn’t that unbelievable? So, apparently, Congress is pretty good at managing their own money.” — Jay Leno
“CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it’s all part of his plan to finally deliver on the campaign promises made by John McCain.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN. . . . He’ll be replaced by a guy named Juan, who will do the same job for $5 an hour.” — Conan O’Brien
“On Monday, Oprah Winfrey and Sarah Palin will sit down and they’re going to talk for an entire hour. And I was thinking, too bad John McCain didn’t do that with her before he chose her as his running mate.” — David Letterman
“In one short year, Obama’s slogan has gone from ‘Yes, we can’ to ‘Wow, this is freakin’ hard.’” — Conan O’Brien
“One year later, we’re still in Iraq. We’re still in Afghanistan. But, you know, at least we got rid of Paula Abdul.” — David Letterman
“The White House predicted there would be 120 million doses of swine flu vaccines available today. But right now, there are only 26 million. Yeah, they overshot by so much, they are all getting jobs as pilots for Northwest Airlines.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Former Vice President Dick Cheney has accused the White House of ‘dithering’ over the strategy for the war in Afghanistan. The White House said they’re thinking it over, and they should have an answer for him in six to eight weeks.” — Jay Leno
“President Obama just declared the swine flu outbreak a national emergency. A couple of weeks ago, it was like, ‘Calm down, it’s going to be fine.’ . . . Make up your mind. This thing is like the Brett Favre of infectious diseases.” — Jimmy Fallon
“In response to Obama’s declaration, the Republican leaders this morning came out in support of the swine flu.” — Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama won another Nobel Prize today, this time in medicine, for pretending to give up smoking.” — Jay Leno
“The Nobel committee is saying the reason they gave Obama the peace prize is for reducing tension around the world. So, the runners-up for this year’s Nobel Prize were red wine and the Brookstone three-speed massaging recliner.” — Conan O’Brien
“Sarah Palin’s memoir will be out next month. Revelations in the memoir. The last couple of months on the campaign, it was actually Tina Fey.” — David Letterman
“One of the top-selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called ‘Barackula.’. . . Not so popular: ‘Congressman Barney Frankenstein.’” — O’Brien
“President Obama wants to send $250 checks to over 57 million American seniors. When he heard the news, John McCain was like, ‘Forget everything I said. This guy’s awesome!’” — Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama gave a talk to members of the House and Senate about options for the war in Afghanistan. The title of the speech was ‘Any Ideas, Because I Got Nothing.’” — Jimmy Fallon
“Here is an example of how quickly things can turn around. According to a recent poll, President Obama’s approval rating in California has dropped. . . . In fact, among Hollywood celebrities, it is now down to just 99 percent.” — Jay Leno
“The Nobel Prize for lack of chemistry went to John McCain and Sarah Palin.” — David Letterman
“John McCain’s former campaign manager said that if Sarah Palin is the Republican Party’s presidential nominee, the results will be catastrophic, as opposed to when she was the vice presidential nominee and everything went perfectly.” — Conan O’Brien
“Doctors are set to receive the (H1N1) vaccination first, because they’re the only ones who can still afford to go see the doctor.” — Craig Ferguson
“The CIA announced a brand new plan to capture Osama bin Laden. They’re going to invite him to Zurich, Switzerland, to have him pick up a lifetime achievement award.” — David Letterman
“The Republicans are offering their own health care plan. It’s called ‘Stop Crying and Take an Advil.’” — Jimmy Fallon
“According to a new study out of the University of Michigan, during this bad economy, people’s health is actually better than it was before. Isn’t that amazing? When times are bad economically, people stay in better health, to which former President Bush said, ‘You’re welcome!’” — Jay Leno
“President Barack Obama addressed the U.N. General Assembly. His opening line was, ‘Some of you may recognize me from my appearances on television.’” — Jay Leno
“The president has been on so many shows lately, even Ryan Seacrest was like, ‘Dude, slow down.’” — Jimmy Kimmel
“You know the difference between Obama and the ShamWow guy? You can see the ShamWow guy on Fox.” — Leno
“You know the former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin? Boy, I know her. She’s traveling all over the world now, speaking gigs. And she went to Hong Kong and gave a speech, and people who heard the speech said it was articulate, it was well-prepared, it was compelling. It’s a year late, but. . . . And if it was that good, I’m thinking it must have been Tina Fey.” — David Letterman
“Police in Wichita, Kan., say a 44-year-old man and a woman on a date decided to have sex in a trash Dumpster and when they were discovered by two passers-by, they got robbed. That’s why, you know, when I’m having sex in a Dumpster, I like to keep the lid closed. You want to keep out the lookyloos. You know, shut the door. Give the woman some privacy. No, this is true. They said on the news it was just a date and when the robbers appeared, it started to go horribly wrong. Really? I mean, at what point is sex in a Dumpster going right?” — Jay Leno
“President Obama gave a tough speech to the Wall Street executives. See, Wall Street is considered a safe place for Obama. You see, on Wall Street, if someone yells out ‘You lie,’ you could be talking to anybody.” — Leno
“A new book that’s coming out about former President George W. Bush said that Bush once called Barack Obama a ‘cat’ with ‘no clue.’ Of course, that was back when Bush’s speeches were written by jazz legend Wynton Marsalis.” — Conan O’Brien
“During his speech to American schoolchildren, President Obama said that what you make of your education will decide nothing less than the future of this country. But no pressure.” — Jimmy Fallon
“He encouraged them to work hard and study hard. Yeah, then he said if that doesn’t work, grab the seat next to the Asian kid.” — Conan O’Brien
“I thought, wait a minute. He might be trying a little too hard. . . . At the end he invited all the kids to the White House for a beer.” — David Letterman
“Some Republicans were so mad about Obama’s speech to schoolchildren, they had Dick Cheney give a rebuttal. He showed kids the proper way to stuff a geek into a locker.” — Craig Ferguson
“The president is going to deliver his speech to the nation’s schoolchildren next Tuesday. It will be about how if you study hard, you can become the most popular person in the world for eight months, then, suddenly, not so much.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Do you know that some politicians are seriously suggesting Dick Cheney should run for president? These politicians are called ‘Democrats.’” — Craig Ferguson
“Dick Cheney and, running as vice president, Sarah Palin. Huh? Talk about your dream ticket, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, buddy, the comedy recession is over.” — David Letterman
“A spokesperson for Sarah Palin says she’s about 85 percent finished with her book, which means that Sarah Palin is finished with her book.” — Conan O’Brien
“In an interview, President Obama has said that picking up his dog Bo’s poop is one of the highlights of his day. The interview was published in the Journal of Depressing Metaphors for the State of America.” — O’Brien
“Obama is spending the week at a $30,000 dollar-a-week beach house. And they call this guy a socialist? Come on!” — David Letterman
“On Martha’s Vineyard they’re serving a new drink inspired by Obama. It’s an Obamarita. After three Obamaritas, a $9 trillion deficit doesn’t look so bad.” — Letterman
“Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has been a victim of identity theft. His credit card company became suspicious when they noticed repeated purchases of large, failing American car companies.” — Conan O’Brien
“The Cash for Clunkers program was a big hit. . . . The idea was if you have a car that guzzles gas, you can get $4,500 for abandoning it on the White House lawn.” — Jimmy Kimmel
“Another Cash for Clunkers program I guess they’re scheduling for like six months from now, when the Minnesota Vikings try to trade Brett Favre.” — Kimmel
“Ninety percent of all paper money in this country (has) traces of cocaine. Talk about your stimulus money. At least American money is worth something again.” — David Letterman
“Bill Clinton had a separate meeting with Barack Obama, and then Hillary Clinton had a separate meeting with Barack Obama. I mean, something is going on with the Clintons. Obama can’t even get them together in the White House for a beer.” — Letterman
“I’d be the first president to wear eye shadow since Nixon” and “I’d lure Osama out of hiding with the irresistible scent of my new fragrance, ‘Circus Fantasy.’” — Britney Spears, reading “Top Ten Ways the Country Would Be Different If Britney Spears Were President” on Letterman
“GM announced they’ll be releasing a car that gets 230 miles a gallon. And Nissan said their new car’s going to get 367 miles a gallon. It’s crazy. In a related story, Toyota just announced their new car will get 500 miles per gallon, plant rain forests, and give birth to endangered pandas. So, that’s the one you want.” — Conan O’Brien
“Regis Philbin’s back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.’ But because of Obama’s tax plan, it’s been re-titled ‘Who Wants to Win Just Under $250,000.’” — Jimmy Fallon
“Now that Sonia Sotomayor has joined the Supreme Court, one-third of the justices are now from New York City. This explains why the customary opening of a court session has changed from ‘All rise’ to ‘Hey, I’m judging over here!’” — O’Brien
President Obama “said twice that the AARP supports his health care plan, even though the AARP hasn’t endorsed it. He’s probably think of that other senior citizens group. What’s the name? Oh, yeah, Congress.” — Fallon
“Hey, at a concert in Washington, D.C., Paul McCartney dedicated the song ‘Michelle’ to Michelle Obama. And then, I thought this was sweet, he dedicated the song ‘Taxman’ to Barack.” — Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama just announced he’s considering transferring prisoners from Guantanamo Bay to Michigan. The idea is to scare the prisoners into revealing information about terror plots by showing them a bus ticket to Detroit.” — Conan O’Brien
For his “48th birthday, the president has asked that in lieu of sending a gift, people just make a donation to his favorite charity, General Motors.” — O’Brien
“Now that he’s freed the journalists, Bill Clinton’s next mission is get Paula Abdul back on ‘American Idol.’” — Craig Ferguson
“General Motors just announced they’ve created — I’m not kidding — a new line of Cadillac cologne. The Cadillac cologne slogan is, ‘Smell like you owe the federal government $10 billion.’” — Conan O’Brien
“Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced that the U.S. will send an additional 22,000 troops to Iraq to speed up the withdrawal effort. It’s all part of the administration’s new exit strategy, ‘Reverse Psychology.’” — Jimmy Fallon
“According to a new poll, 42 percent of Americans say they would vote for Sarah Palin for president in 2012. They also said they’d support her decision to step down in 2013.” — Conan O’Brien
“Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced that the United States will build two nuclear plants in India. And here’s the weird part about those power plants. They’re going to outsource all the jobs to Americans.” — Jimmy Fallon
“At her confirmation hearing, Sonia Sotomayor said that judges gather information from everywhere, including Wikipedia, which explains why she kept citing the landmark case Roe v. Wade Boggs.” — Conan O’Brien
“How about that Harry Potter movie? . . . In this one, Harry goes up against Dick Cheney and his secret CIA hit squad.” — David Letterman
“President Obama’s teleprompter fell to the ground and shattered during a speech on the economy. Wow, even speeches about the economy are crashing. That’s bad.” — Jimmy Fallon
South Carolina Gov. Mark “Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I’m like, great, now we’re outsourcing mistresses.” — Craig Ferguson
“President Obama will throw out the first pitch at the All-Star game in St. Louis. That’s pretty cool. Yeah. But Joe Biden will be on hand to commit the first error.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Here’s a big story, ladies and gentlemen. Yesterday, there was an earthquake in Alaska. I’m kind of afraid to say anything.” — David Letterman
“After the elections, the supreme leader in Iran certified the election results and shipped the crooked voting machines back to Florida.” — David Letterman
“Mir Hossein Mousavi is claiming ballot fraud and wants an investigation. If that doesn’t work, he’s planning on making a documentary about global warming.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Marvel Comics is getting set to bring back Captain America. They’re going to do this as soon as they get a loan from Captain China.” — Conan O’Brien
“President Obama is proposing a new national health care plan that’s both inexpensive and accessible. He’s calling it Have Your Surgery in Mexico.” — Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama says he wants to create a national health care plan that’s both affordable and easy to use. . . . And the insurance industry says they’ll fight the plan with congressmen who are both affordable and easy to use.” — Conan O’Brien
“Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor fell and broke her ankle, and she’s expected to be on crutches for several weeks. In a related story, Republicans have announced that Sotomayor’s confirmation hearing will consist of three questions and a timed obstacle course.” — O’Brien
“Rush (Limbaugh) said he hopes her ankle doesn’t heal.” — David Letterman
“I want to congratulate General Motors’ newest CEO, us.” — Jimmy Fallon
“The taxpayers are going to be lending bankrupt General Motors $30 billion. Taxpayers’ money. Exactly, right. I mean, GM has become America’s brother-in-law.” — David Letterman
“You can say what you like about President Obama, but he’s not afraid of tough challenges. Last week, the president rescued GM. This week, he’s off to the Middle East. Next week, the toughest challenge yet: trying to save ‘Jon & Kate Plus 8.’” — Craig Ferguson
“President Obama showed (NBC’s) Brian Williams what tricks his new puppy, Bo, could do. Isn’t that cool? Yeah, in fact, Bo has already learned to sit up and beg for federal bailout money.” — Conan O’Brien
“North Korea tested another nuclear bomb. The fear is that North Korea will sell this nuclear weapon to some unstable, volatile world leader, you know, like Dick Cheney.” — Jay Leno
“President Obama had less than a one-hour warning of North Korea’s nuclear tests. Yeah. Well, that’s not bad when you realize he has absolutely no warning when Joe Biden’s going to go off.” — Leno
“President Barack Obama’s in Las Vegas. So, if things go well at the table, General Motors just might make it.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Joe Biden started talking and accidentally revealed Dick Cheney’s secret hiding place. See there’s more proof you don’t need waterboarding to get secret information. Just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks.” — Jay Leno
“Well, this is surprising. A new survey shows that the happiest Americans are elderly, male and Republican. In other words, Republican.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Matt Damon has a new Jason Bourne film coming out. I guess he’s a CIA agent who tells Nancy Pelosi about waterboarding. Yeah, but see, in this one, she’s the one that gets amnesia. That’s the twist.” — Leno
“The price of a postage stamp went up to 44 cents this week. Isn’t that unbelievable? They said they had to raise the price because fewer and fewer people are using the mail these days. That’s government thinking, isn’t it? ‘Hey, nobody’s buying our product. Let’s raise the price.’” — Jay Leno
“Pretty soon, it will actually be cheaper and easier to just put a little glue on a dollar bill and stick it to an envelope.” — David Letterman
“If there were just some other way to send written messages that were free and a million times faster. If you guys think of something, e-mail me.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Just a day after saying he wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places like an aircraft or a subway because of the swine flu, Vice President Biden rode a train from Washington to Delaware. You know what that means? Not even Joe Biden listens to Joe Biden.” — Jay Leno
“President Obama may choose a Supreme Court nominee by the end of the week. That’s fast. Nothing against the president, but doesn’t it worry you that it took him 10 times longer to decide on a dog?” — Craig Ferguson
“President Obama attended an early Cinco de Mayo event at the White House, but he mistakenly greeted guests with the phrase, ‘Welcome to Cinco de Cuatro,’ which means ‘five of four.’ Maybe it’s the White House itself that makes people dumb.” — Jimmy Kimmel
