Category Archives: Late-night laughs

‘SNL’ sends up Sebelius

Making her time in the political hot seat complete, former Gov. Kathleen Sebelius (in photo) got the “Saturday Night Live” treatment over the weekend. Cast member Kate McKinnon opened the show as the health and human services secretary, offering “friendly tips” to deal with the Obamacare website’s technical woes. “Have you tried restarting your computer?” she asked, also suggesting enrollees sign up in Icelandic or another language. “Sebelius” also endorsed the site’s “helpful” links (including to “doctor-themed pornographic websites”) and “frequently asked questions” page, including “How have I been on the same page for three hours?” and “Does Obamacare cover mental health issues caused by using this website?” Before being interrupted by her own ill-timed glitch, she said: “So enjoy your new health care system, America, and be sure to ‘like’ us on Facebook. Oh, look at that. We’re already up to three ‘likes.’”

At least Obamacare site is good for laughs

“Only 12 percent of Americans think the rollout of Obamacare is going well, while 100 percent of Republicans think the rollout of Obamacare is going great.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A 25-year-old man in New York was arrested for trying to join al-Qaida. Here’s the amazing part: He said it was easier to join al-Qaida using their website than it was to sign up for Obamacare.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama is urging Americans who are having trouble with the Obamacare website to sign up for health care by calling a 1-800 number. The number is 1-800-we-didn’t-think-this-through.” – Conan O’Brien

“You can wait for them to get the site fixed or you can enroll in medical school, graduate and then just take care of yourself, which would probably be faster.” – Jimmy Kimmel

Might as well laugh about campaign season

If laughter is the best medicine, this video of 2012 campaign humor might be the antidote for an ugly and discouraging campaign season.

Yoder’s late-night swim inspires ‘Late Show’ list

The nude moonlight swim in the Sea of Galilee by Rep. Kevin Yoder, R-Overland Park, inspired the top 10 list on the “Late Show With David Letterman” Monday on CBS. The highlights among the “Top 10 Congressman Kevin Yoder Excuses”: “What’s the big deal? I was naked the whole trip.” “It’s Obama’s fault.” “Putting the ‘junk’ in ‘congressional junket.’” “That’s how we party in Kansas.”
Meanwhile, Conor Friedersdorf of the Atlantic came to Yoder’s defense, arguing that skinny-dipping was the least scandalous part of the junket to Israel on which U.S. lawmakers were “influenced by officials of a foreign government who want more from U.S. taxpayers.” He concluded: “Perhaps we’d be better off if the ears of our elected representatives were filled with water every time they were around lobbyists.”

Comedians hoping Cain stays in race

“They’re attacking my character, my reputation and my name in order to try and bring me down, but, you see, I don’t believe that America is going to let that happen,” GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain said at a rally in Ohio. The late-night comedians certainly don’t want to see Cain leave the race. Craig Ferguson joked: “Herman Cain says he is now reassessing his campaign. To put it more accurately, his wife is reassessing.” Jimmy Kimmel said: “When you have more women accusing you of sexual misconduct than you have toppings on your meat-lovers pizza, your campaign might be in trouble.”

Late-night laughs

“President Obama’s teleprompter was stolen. Police are on the lookout for a thief that’s eloquent and spreading a message of hope.” — Conan O’Brien
“It was on this day (Oct. 18) in 1867 that the United States bought Alaska from the Russians. And about six months from now, we’ll probably be selling it to China.” — Craig Ferguson

Late-night laughs

“Not looking good for Perry. In fact, earlier today, Herman Cain said that he would rather go hunting with Dick Cheney than Rick Perry.” — Jay Leno

“Herman Cain said that as president, he will bring Republicans and Democrats together. He was the guy that brought pineapple and ham together on a pizza, so it wouldn’t be surprising.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Happy anniversary to President Obama and the lovely Michelle. . . . They had a nice private dinner to celebrate the 19th anniversary of the last time someone said ‘yes’ to an Obama proposal.” — Craig Ferguson

“President Obama did take Michelle out to a lovely dinner on Saturday. And this is a little awkward, though. When the bill came, Obama just put it on the tab of the Chinese couple sitting next to them.” — Jimmy Fallon

Obama’s legacy is killing terrorists

“If you told me at the beginning of the Obama presidency that his clearest legacy would involve not closing Gitmo or green jobs or manufacturing jobs — or any kind of jobs, really — but would in fact be his ability to rain targeted death from the sky, I mean, are we even allowed to do that?” — comedian Jon Stewart on “The Daily Show,” about the assassination of Anwar al Awlaki

Late-night laughs

“President Obama claims his new jobs bill will be better than his old jobs bill, which only created one job that went to a guy named Bill.” — Jay Leno

“Barack Obama’s watching the (GOP) debate, and halfway through he turns to his wife and says, ‘Honey, you can stop packing.’” — David Letterman

“President Obama’s campaign just launched a new program geared toward seniors called Operation Vote. Just what old people need, another operation.” — Jimmy Fallon

Late-night laughs

“Obama says his new plan to raise taxes on millionaires is not class warfare, it’s math. We Americans hate class warfare, but we also hate math.” — Jay Leno

“All the world leaders at the United Nations agree on one thing: Superman has got to do more.” — David Letterman

“The military’s controversial ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy was officially retired. This marks a new age of tolerance, acceptance and awkward showering for everyone in the military.” — Jimmy Kimmel

Late-night laughs

“A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit.” — Conan O’Brien
“Obama plans to visit Australia for a trip that has already been canceled twice. I wouldn’t be offended, though. Obama’s our president, and we’re still waiting for him to show up.” — Jimmy Fallon
“If the tea party cared about us, they wouldn’t have scheduled their debate against the opening night of football, especially the Patriots. That’s something Kenyans would do.” — Jimmy Kimmel
“Mitt Romney said that President Obama does not understand that the president doesn’t create jobs. Then Romney went on to describe his plan to create jobs once he’s elected president.” — Jay Leno

Late-night laughs

“New statistics show the U.S. economy added zero jobs in August. The White House cautioned Americans not to read too much into those numbers. What numbers?” — Jay Leno

“I read that a man from Illinois discovered $150,000 in his garden. Did you hear that, President Obama? A man from Illinois actually grew the economy.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Some jobs are growing: health care, solar technology and translating for our soon-to-be Chinese overlords.” — Craig Ferguson

“Labor Day is when Americans take three days off from looking for work.” — David Letterman

Late-night laughs

“The debt-ceiling debate is such a mess right now, al-Qaida is desperately trying to find a way to take credit for it.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama said that ‘compromise’ has become a dirty word. Then he told Republicans to go compromise themselves.” — Conan O’Brien

“Iowa Congressman Steve King says that if the country falls into default, President Obama could be impeached. Obama could stop that with three words: ‘President Joe Biden.’” — Jay Leno

“Kill bin Laden again.” — No. 1 among David Letterman’s “Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Can Win Over the Republicans”

Time for debate spoofs? You betcha

“It’s just so great to be back on Fox News, a network that both pays me and shows me the questions ahead of time,” said actress Tina Fey, portraying Sarah Palin in a “Saturday Night Live” presidential debate skit last weekend. “And I just hope that tonight the lamestream media won’t twist my words by repeatin’ them verbatim.” Fey/Palin also acknowledged “that this week we finally vanquished one of the world’s great villains, and I for one am thrilled to say good riddance to Katie Couric.”

No holiday from jokes

“The Easter egg roll is an opportunity for children from all over the country to come to the White House and spend a fun afternoon looking for the president’s birth certificate.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“They even had . . . a guy in a huge, life-size bunny suit. And I thought, well, who says Joe Biden doesn’t do anything?” — David Letterman

“They had ex-convicts do all the eggs. So it’s nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress.” — Jay Leno

“A new study found that Americans spend $1.2 trillion every year on stuff they don’t need — or as Republicans call it, health care.” — Jimmy Fallon

Late-night laughs

happymoon“This Sunday, Halloween, the scariest day of the year. Unless you’re a Democrat. Then, that would be next Tuesday.” — Jay Leno

“Fox News . . .  hired news analyst Juan Williams just one day after National Public Radio fired him for making disparaging comments about Muslims. Marking the first time someone has been fired and hired for the same comment.” — Seth Meyers

Late-night laughs

happymoon“It’s now reported that the economy lost 95,000 jobs in September. And that’s just people leaving the White House.” — Jay Leno
President Obama “and Vice President Biden were at a rally in Philadelphia” where “somebody threw a book” at Obama. President Bush “got a shoe thrown at him. Obama got a book. I think we’re making progress.” — Jimmy Kimmel

Late-night laughs

happymoon“Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab. All part of the Republicans’ Pledge to America.” — David Letterman

President Obama has “been having these backyard talks. He met with a family in Iowa and a family in Virginia. Both families said the same thing. ‘It’s Wednesday. Shouldn’t you be working?’” — Jay Leno

“I don’t know what (the Republicans’) problem is with ‘don’t ask, don’t tell.’ Even if it is repealed, there will still be a major American institution where gays are still forced to hide in shame and secrecy: the Republican Party.” — Bill Maher

Late-night laughs

happymoonGovernment auditors “said the stimulus money’s being held up because there aren’t enough government workers to oversee the spending. So follow me: In other words, government workers who aren’t there are needed to spend money we don’t have to create jobs that don’t exist.” — Jay Leno

“A new poll found that only 41 percent of voters approve of President Obama’s job performance. When he heard this, Obama was like, ‘OK, but how do they feel about my vacation performance?’” — Jimmy Fallon

“The Department of Labor has launched a new website to help unemployed Americans. President Obama said the website is amazing and he can’t wait to check it out in a few years.” — Craig Ferguson

“Hillary Clinton is denying rumors that she will replace Joe Biden as the vice president in 2012. It’s fun to have a Clinton denying stuff again.” — David Letterman

Late-night laughs

happymoon“Obama’s headed to vacation in Martha’s Vineyard for 10 days. He’s staying in a house that has an unobstructed view of the Atlantic Ocean, which just happens to be pointed in the direction of Mecca.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“It is shrimp season, and the FDA assures me that seafood from the Gulf ‘tested below the level of concern for health risks from petroleum compounds.’ . . . Mmm. My mouth is watering already.” — Stephen Colbert

Late-night laughs

happymoon“Hey, finally, some good economic news. President Obama announced this month he created 70,000 new jobs. The bad news: They’re all vacation planners for him and the family.” — Jay Leno

“President Obama celebrated his birthday by playing basketball. . . . At one point, President Obama turned to LeBron James and said, ‘Man, you’re lucky. They only hate you in Cleveland.’” — George Lopez

Late-night laughs

happymoon“House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said, ‘When it comes to cleaning up the government, the Democrats have drained the swamp.’ You know what’s left after you drain the swamp? Snakes! Snakes everywhere!” — Jay Leno

“Happy birthday to President Barack Obama; 49 years old. . . . Yeah, that’s right. If he had a birth certificate.” — David Letterman

Late-night laughs

happymoon“President Obama is going on a 10-day vacation to Martha’s Vineyard in August. Obama was like, ‘This is my longest vacation ever,’ and voters were like, ‘Wait’ll you see the one we’re planning for you!’” — Jimmy Fallon

“An American named Bob Dudley is BP’s new CEO. Nice to see an American taking a job from a foreigner for once.” — Jay Leno

“Intelligence agencies have almost deciphered the plot of ‘Inception.’” — From David Letterman’s “Top Ten Surprises in the Leaked Government Documents”

Late-night laughs

happymoon“Cuban leader Fidel Castro made a rare appearance on Cuban television the other night. It’s a Cuban show called ‘Cuba’s Got Talent, but America’s Got Food, Water, Shelter, Medicine, Cars.’” — Jay Leno

“This just in. President Obama is looking into trading Mel Gibson to Russia.” — David Letterman

“A CBS News poll found that 57 percent of Americans support Arizona’s new immigration law. Although if you change it from ‘Americans’ to ‘people living in America,’ the number drops to 2 percent.” — Jimmy Fallon

Late-night laughs

BP’s “company newsletter has an article that says most Gulf residents aren’t upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the Gulf is like al-Qaida taking credit for creating jobs in airport security.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Dick Cheney, the former vice president of the United States, was hospitalized over the weekend. This guy has been in the hospital so many times, the cafeteria has named a sandwich after him.” — David Letterman

“He has been in the hospital so many times, the gift shop is now selling Dick Cheney bobblehead dolls.” — Letterman