“President Obama’s been reaching out to Iran, reaching out to Cuba, reaching out to Latin America. The only place he can’t seem to be able to reach out to? Texas.” — Jay Leno
“Barack Obama will appear shirtless in a magazine this month. I think many Americans will identify with him — most have lost their shirts.” — Craig Ferguson
“Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together on stage in Toronto for a two-hour friendly debate. Each side gets to pick a topic, so the first hour will be centered on the international banking crisis. The second hour will be dedicated to NASCAR trivia.” — Jimmy Fallon
“The Justice Department says they want to make an example of this Somali pirate guy. And I thought, really? In terms of making an example, I don’t think you can do much better than shooting the other three guys in the head.” — David Letterman
“Even Dick Cheney was into Earth Day. Did you see what he said today? He called for the use of only recycled water when waterboarding prisoners.” — Leno
7 Comments
If conservatives don’t want to be seen as bitter people who cling to their guns and religion and anti-immigrant sentiments, they should stop being bitter and clinging to their guns, religion and anti-immigrant sentiments.
It’s been a week now, and I still don’t know what those “tea bag” protests were about. I saw signs protesting abortion, illegal immigrants, the bank bailout and that gay guy who’s going to win “American Idol.” But it wasn’t tax day that made them crazy; it was election day. Because that’s when Republicans became what they fear most: a minority.
The conservative base is absolutely apoplectic because, because … well, nobody knows. They’re mad as hell, and they’re not going to take it anymore. Even though they’re not quite sure what “it” is. But they know they’re fed up with “it,” and that “it” has got to stop.
Here are the big issues for normal people: the war, the economy, the environment, mending fences with our enemies and allies, and the rule of law.
And here’s the list of Republican obsessions since President Obama took office: that his birth certificate is supposedly fake, he uses a teleprompter too much, he bowed to a Saudi guy, Europeans like him, he gives inappropriate gifts, his wife shamelessly flaunts her upper arms, and he shook hands with Hugo Chavez and slipped him the nuclear launch codes.
Do these sound like the concerns of a healthy, vibrant political party?
It’s sad what’s happened to the Republicans. They used to be the party of the big tent; now they’re the party of the sideshow attraction, a socially awkward group of mostly white people who speak a language only they understand. Like Trekkies, but paranoid.
The GOP base is convinced that Obama is going to raise their taxes, which he just lowered. But, you say, “Bill, that’s just the fringe of the Republican Party.” No, it’s not. The governor of Texas, Rick Perry, is not afraid to say publicly that thinking out loud about Texas seceding from the Union is appropriate considering that … Obama wants to raise taxes 3% on 5% of the people? I’m not sure exactly what Perry’s independent nation would look like, but I’m pretty sure it would be free of taxes and Planned Parenthood. And I would have to totally rethink my position on a border fence.
I know. It’s not about what Obama’s done. It’s what he’s planning. But you can’t be sick and tired of something someone might do.
Republican Rep. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota recently said she fears that Obama will build “reeducation” camps to indoctrinate young people. But Obama hasn’t made any moves toward taking anyone’s guns, and with money as tight as it is, the last thing the president wants to do is run a camp where he has to shelter and feed a bunch of fat, angry white people.
Look, I get it, “real America.” After an eight-year run of controlling the White House, Congress and the Supreme Court, this latest election has you feeling like a rejected husband. You’ve come home to find your things out on the front lawn — or at least more things than you usually keep out on the front lawn. You’re not ready to let go, but the country you love is moving on. And now you want to call it a wh*re and key its car
That’s what you are, the bitter divorced guy whose country has left him — obsessing over it, haranguing it, blubbering one minute about how much you love it and vowing the next that if you cannot have it, nobody will.
But it’s been almost 100 days, and your country is not coming back to you. She’s found somebody new. And it’s a black guy.
The healthy thing to do is to just get past it and learn to cherish the memories. You’ll always have New Orleans and Abu Ghraib.
And if today’s conservatives are insulted by this, because they feel they’re better than the people who have the microphone in their party, then I say to them what I would say to moderate Muslims: Denounce your radicals. To paraphrase George W. Bush, either you’re with them or you’re embarrassed by them.
The thing that you people out of power have to remember is that the people in power are not secretly plotting against you. They don’t need to. They already beat you in public.
Bill Maher is the host of HBO’s “Real Time with Bill Maher.”
I really don’t think MonkeyHock gets the ‘Late Nite Humor’ topic with his long winded diatribe.
Monkeyhawk
Posted April 26, 2009 at 6:11 am | Permalink
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lol
Good grief, I might have to begin watching Bill Maher again. That’s just dead on.
“It’s sad what’s happened to the Republicans. They used to be the party of the big tent; now they’re the party of the sideshow attraction, a socially awkward group of mostly white people who speak a language only they understand. Like Trekkies, but paranoid.”
And it is quite a language. There are few things funnier in life (odder anyway) than watching a Republic speaking this language while condescending to others for not understanding a word they’re saying.
And yes, their language does not include the word “hubris,” lol.
Democrats; don’t forget that this last election was a referendum on conservatism. It’s the liberal policies that the voters love. Be sure that they get lots of ‘em.
outlander
Posted April 26, 2009 at 8:51 am | Permalink
Democrats; don’t forget that this last election was a referendum on conservatism. It’s the liberal policies that the voters love. Be sure that they get lots of ‘em.
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I doubt the Democrats will forget that white people vote, too.
Naw, Outie, this election was about getting the gop out of power.
And it is working.
Whew!!
Dennis