The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:
BIN LADEN LATEST MADOFF CASUALTY
RNC ISSUES APOLOGY TO NEGROES; Calls Song Parody ‘Offensive to Every Negro’
RECESSION RESULTED IN CRAPPIEST PRESENTS EVER; Shoddy Crafts, Baked Goods Dominate Holiday Giving
CAROLINE KENNEDY ASKS TO BE TIME’S PERSON OF THE YEAR; Places Phone Call to Magazine’s Editor
AMAZON.COM RECOMMENDATIONS UNDERSTAND AREA WOMAN BETTER THAN HUSBAND
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS RETURNING TO MEXICO FOR AMERICAN JOBS
GOOGLE LAUNCHES ‘THE GOOGLE’ FOR OLDER ADULTS
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“Illegal immigrants returning to Mexico for American jobs.” I have heard locally that this statement might have some truth to it. I am told the illegals and legals are leaving Wichita to go to areas where there are more jobs. Don’t know if they are returning to Mexico.
If the EAGLE still has any investigative reporters, this would be an interesting story to research.
Baptist minister calls birth control “murder” —
Your mom’s face now a crime scene
Actually it is a true story.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,409221,00.html
Don’t worry, I linked to Fox but the story was covered elsewhere too.
Teacher Charged for cramming 13 people at once into his Volvo
Paris Hilton congratulates him on breaking her record before realizing she misunderstood the statement.
IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!
Cons prepare for return to political wilderness.
One armed girl swims circles around competition
Smoking named ‘the most offensive thing you can do in someone else’s house’, narrowly edging out “their wife”
I dont know JR. With so many cons in obama’s cabinet and with pelosi and reid at the helms, I’m not so sure this election wasnt REALLY good for the repukes.
Coleman had suggested the true winner of the election should’ve conceded!
Looks like monkeyhawk is a Fark fan.
Regulators Probed Madoff 8 times over 16 yrs. (bet he had a sore butt!) Apparently they missed the little detail he was running a pyramid scheme!
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090105/bs_nm/us_madoff_regulators_2
GOVERNMENT EASES RESTRICTION ON FLOUR – USDA spokesman stated that weevil prevention will no longer be conducted at flour repositories. The weevil infested flour offers more protein and keeps the flour from sticking by agitating it constantly with their spiny legs.
MCDONALDS BUYS COWTOWN- In an unexpected move McDonalds Corp. purchased rights and land of ‘Old Cowtown.’ A spokesman said they will be moving their headquarters and McDonald’s university to Cowtown. A featured restaurant’s menu will include, bbq bean burger, buffalo chips, wagon wheel fish and chips, along with many other western oriented items.
MINNESOTA ELECTS TV SHOW CLOWN TO CONGRESS – In a stunning upset, Joe “smiley face” Doospitz was elected to the U.S. House of Representatives. In a statement Doospitz said, “Well, we will be having a jester in the Senate, we need a clown in Congress, representative Minnesota.”
Belated Christmas gift of FrankenSense bestowed upon Minnessotans!
Fark.com sues monkeyhawk for stealing their content.
V.P. CHENEY STATES ON TORTURE , “WE WENT BY THE BOOK!“.
In an interview with Vice President Dick Cheney on “face the Nation” host Bob Shafer asked the V.P. about the intense interrogation techniques. Cheney said, “ we went by the book“, Bob Shafer asked “So Mr. Vice President, what book was that?”. Cheney stated that at the moment they did not have any legal books. But he has a library card so he went and the only book he found on the subject was the “Marquis de Sade”.
FDA SURVEY FINDS MOST AMERICANS ARE CONSUMING POISON.
FDA plans to have a recall of all products made in China and sold in the United States.
WAL-MARTS ARE CLOSED!
The U.S. justice department declares Wal-Mart an agent of the Chinese Government.
A SHOCKING REVELATION REVEALED IN SURVEY!
In a recent survey it was disclosed that Southern Baptists enjoy sex too!
LUCAS ADMITS TO PLOT OF REVENGE OF THE SETH.
“ I had unrestricted access to internal planning meet of the White house in 2002”. Lucas confesses.
“So this is how Liberty ends… To the sound of thunderous applause!” Senator Palitee of Naboo.
better be careful Dog too many on the Blog Criticizing walmart is akin to attacking god himself, and might lead them to question your patriotism, the fact that they don’t sell American products and support a brutal Communist regime goes over their heads.
“Illegal immigrants returning to Mexico for American jobs.” I have heard locally that this statement might have some truth to it.
Seems Borowitz was way scooped by the Onion (or, for that matter, Dilbert, which long ago had Asok, the Indian intern, having his job outsourced to India). Haven’t heard too much about the phenom here, as the economy sucks on both sides of the border, and Columbian drug gangs are making Sonora a little too dangerous to be attractive.
Illegal Immigrants Returning To Mexico For American Jobs
May 3, 2006 | Issue 42•18
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/47978
Tom I am pretty sure the rumor of a Wal-Mart hit squad is not true… I think?
Though I do know that they have an arm that does nothing but search the internet for any mention of them!
RNC ISSUES APOLOGY TO NEGROES; Calls Song Parody ‘Offensive to Every Negro’
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lol