The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com:
YANKEES SIGN IRAQI HURLER; Shoe-throwing Right-hander Impresses Scouts
NBC TO REPLACE ENTIRE PRIMETIME SCHEDULE WITH PEACOCK LOGO; Bird Symbol to Air From 8 to 10
ILLINOIS GUV OFFERS SENATE SEAT TO ARRESTING OFFICER; Daring Escape Attempt Caught on Tape
POLL: AUTO CEOS NOT WORTH $1 A YEAR; Would Be ‘Overpaid,’ Survey Says
ANGRY KUCINICH REMINDS OBAMA HE WAS RIVAL; Hail Mary Bid for Postmaster General
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BLAGOJEVICH ADMITS GUILT AND ILLINOIS LETS HIM STAY ON AS GOVERNOR – “All we wanted is a little honesty” say the Democratic party Illinois Speaker of the House. “We can forgive anything short of first degree murder if only they tell the truth” chortled the legislator.
OBAMA DONATES SPERM TO LESBIAN SPERM BANK ACCOUNT – In a novel move, Obama donated three pints of sperm to a San Fransisco sperm bank in order than Lesbian couples my generate prodigies that will follow his genetic imprint and ideology. When asked how long it took to create three pints of sperm, Obama stated “This is a collective effort and as a community organizer, it took a village over a number of years.”
IRAQI SHOE STORE ANNOUNCES AERODYNAMIC SHOES – The Iraqi store manager stated the new shoes are GPS and infrared equipped guaranteed to find their target.
WICHITA ANNOUNCES NEW ICE RINK – City officials officially opened the ’slicker-than-eel-grease” skate ways on Kellogg and I-235.
MONSTER SKUNK VISITS PRICE FARM – Caught on surveillance video, a giant skunk weighing 160 pounds was spotted stalking live stock on Hank Price’s farm. The skunk was later identified as an Obama supporter and worn an IPCC arm band with matching ear bobs.
KANSAS WOMAN BECOMES BISHOP OF NEW CHURCH – In a bold move, the poster known as kfg announced the First Church of Samesexia. kfg stated the purpose of the church was to have marriage ceremonies and offer fried chicken along with tater salad receptions afterward.
Thanks for the laughs, Regular. Some good ones there.
Reggie,
You seem a bit hung up on lesbians lately. Did someone confuse you with one?
#
Jed
Posted December 16, 2008 at 8:22 am | Permalink
Reggie,
You seem a bit hung up on lesbians lately. Did someone confuse you with one?
=================
Naw, I have a soft spot in my heart for kfg. She knows I’m ribbing her is all in good nature.
You on the other hand appear to have that proverbial broom stick up your ass and your attitude indicates it.
AMA ANNOUNCES NEW MENTAL IMPAIRMENT FOUND.
“Upon much study and deliberation among colleagues, we have found and defined BAS , also known as Bush’s Assholis Syndrome. Among its many symptoms are refusing to accept reality, inability to learn from past mistakes , and a constant ducking of both facts , and in extreme cases , shoes. The prognosis is not favorable , and surgery may be the only option”, an AMA spokesperson disclosed.
THE WICHITA EAGLE IS NOW A CONSERVATIVE RAG.
Liberals have given up their fight in this region and have moved back to the coast after a bitter fight with local bloggers.
BUSH COMES CLEAN ON PRE-WAR INTELLIGENCE:
Said Bush, in an exclusive interview, “We had no intelligence, but it does prove the point, ‘You really can fool all the people most of the time!’ Hell, they elected me a second time! I also command $50,000 a speechifyin’. And fifty thou a year will buy a lot a beer.”
RECORD NUMBERS OF WOMEN FLOCKING TO THE NEW FIRST CHURCH OF SAMESEXIA.
When asked what brought about this sudden interest in the church, KFG, the local Pastor, said, ” Ramen, and home fried chicken to you all. Let it be known all women, regardless of their personal beliefs, religious beliefs, nonreligious beliefs, political persuasion, or sexual orientation, are welcome here, one and all. All cons, on the other hand, will be made to clean all the chickens, make the beds, wash the cloths, till the fields, harvest the ripe fruits and vegetables and be out of town by dark.
Ramen to all, and the chickens frying. feel free to lick fingers.”