Here’s a funny Onion spoof of Kansas, taking off on the Bermuda triangle. Ouch.
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20 Comments
Once upon a time, this Kansas rectangle contained unpolluted air and lots of cool, clean underground Ogallala aquifer drinking water.
The world’s deepest handdug well in Greensburg was dug to provide water from the underground aquifer to the Rock Island and Santa Fe railroad trains which both ran through Greensburg in the late 1800’s.
I don’t think it is unusual for the Onion to do a bit of “Kansas-bashing”. I didn’t find among the liberal elites that I met in Washington, D.C. last Sept. the fear and loathing of Kansas that I expected.
Priceless.
I’m always impressed with pictures that say what a thousand words don’t impart as well. Crowson does that with his cartoons. This is another excellent example!
“StevenEDavis” comments –
“…I didn’t find among the liberal elites that I met in Washington, D.C. last Sept. the fear and loathing of Kansas that I expected.”
I don’t consider it Kansas-bashing any more than stereotypes like Joisey Gurls or West Virginia hillbillies or Texas a$$holes. If anything, when I meet so-called “elites” and they learn I’m from Kansas, they seem pleased to know we’re not all like Phred Felps and hayseeds.
If you lose the ability to laugh at yourself you lose the ability to think straight.
If they really were liberal elites, Steven, they were probably just too polite to say what they were thinking.
“Wow, this handsome, brilliant, well spoken guy is from KANSAS?”
Kansas, where even redundancy is redundant.
Could be, KFG. I met this woman from Boston and if they are all as smart as her, no wonder they look down their noses at the rest of us.
Dumb Kansas Laws
# Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats. (I saw a rabbit driving a motorboat yesterday at Cheney, but could only throw a lettuce head at him)
# Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights. (Do ya gotta wear the bumper as well?)
# No one may catch fish with his bare hands. (Gotta wear golves)
# The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks. ( . . .and here I planned to throw one at a Mallard tomorrow)
# If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed. (Kansas logic at its finest)
Dodge City
# It is illegal to spit on a sidewalk.
# All places of business must provide a horse water troft
Lawrence
# All cars entering the city limits must first sound their horn to warn the horses of their arrival.
# No one may wear a bee in their hat.
Russell
# Musical car horns are banned
Salina
# It is against the law to leave your car running unattended.
Topeka
# The installation of bathtubs is prohibited.
Wichita
# Before proceeding through the interesection of Douglas and Broadway, a motorist is required to get out of their vehice and fire three shot gun rounds into the air. (Hank? You gettin’ this?)
# Any person caught using or carrying bean snappers or the like shall upon conviction, be fined. -City ordinance 349 of Wichita, Kansas. (Ain’t touching this one!)
The “Kansas rectangle” was explained long ago. It’s caused by the Vortex from Hydraulic to the end of 17th.
http://www.arras.net/circulars/archives/000540.html
Are automobiles entering the city limits still required to have a rope tied to the bumper as an aid to getting it stopped should the brakes fail?
It’s like a trip through the looking glass. Maintain a safe distance.
Just take a walk in Manhattan (New York that is) or Long Island, the Bronx and experience the real feeling of suffocating spaces.
Better yet, head on out to Hollyfornia and jump on the Ventura Highway on the way to L.A. Not only are there cars as far as the eye can see, congested 8 lanes deep, the two inside lines are trying to exit at 80 miles per hour in front of you.
Want a ride on the wild side? Check out Lake Shore Drive in Chicago or one of the Loops in Houston. If you’ve never driven in this type of traffic, bring some extra underwear.
People make fun of Kansas, but there are more assholes per square mile and more people who could give a crap in the populated centers of the U.S.
In Kansas, at least we have trees that are not located in a park, highways that don’t have 8 packed lanes of drivers with murderous intent and open spaces not blocked out by sky scrapers or smog that you can cut with a knife.
In all fairness, the Kansas Repubs. are working on addressing the lack of smog situation!
“Phantom” notes –
“In all fairness, the Kansas Repubs. are working on addressing the lack of smog situation!”
Zing!
JM Walker,
Did you miss the “no ice cream on cherry pie” law? Or has that been revoked?
Regular,
I happen to like Manhattan, in spite of the traffic. More people walk there than they do here, and the subway is easier to figure out there than the idiotic bus route here in Wichita.
And speaking of walking… Did anyone see the news about Richard Schodorff giving the city $30,000 for mileage signs on walking paths? What I’d like to see is a decent map on the city’s website of ALL the walking paths. The one that’s there is absolutely pitiful.
Another problem is too few sidewalks. No way am I going to tromp through my neighborhood in the middle of the street. Not the way people fly down at 45 mph.
OMG Walker, you crack me up.
“Dumb Kansas Laws
# Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats. (I saw a rabbit driving a motorboat yesterday at Cheney, but could only throw a lettuce head at him)
Perhaps the rabbit at Cheney was a distant relative of the one who attacked Jimmy Carter so long ago? IIRC, though, he was in a row boat not a motor boat.
Heh Steven. Smart woman from Boston?
Please forward names immediately! Maybe some big city women would adopt me like a starving poster child from a third world country.
“for thirty cents a day, you could bring femminist culture to the darkest reaches of Kansas..”
Heh Phantom and Monkey, I notice they are working on that lack of drought thingy too!
Ah, Kansas. I have moved away three times and three times I have moved back. I am like Michael Corleone, in the Godfather, Part III, “Just when I thought I was out… they pull me back in.”
The Rectangle has got me each time.
After having dug to a depth of 10 yards
last year, New York scientists found traces
of copper wire dating back 100 years
and came to the conclusion that their New
York ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the
weeks that followed, California scientists dug
to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines
in the LA Times newspaper read:
‘California archaeologists have found
traces of 200 year old copper wire and have
concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network
a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.’
One week later, the ‘Ness County News,’
a local news paper in Ness City, Ks.,
reported the following:
‘After digging as deep as 30 yards in wheat
fields near Beeler, KS, Larry the Cable Guy, a self-
taught archaeologist reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Larry has therefore concluded that 300 years
ago, Kansas had already gone wireless.’