The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com:
OBAMA CONVERTS TO JUDAISM; Bold Attempt to Settle Religion Issue
LEWINSKY RELEASES WHITE HOUSE SCHEDULE; Heavily Redacted Document Raises Questions
FERRARO: I WISH I WERE A BLACK MAN; Racist Comments Wouldn’t Be Racist, Former Congresswoman Claims
SPITZER RESIGNS FROM EMPERORS VIP CLUB; Client No. 10 to Succeed New York Guv
BUSH REVEALS TAP WATER AS PRESCRIPTION DRUG PLAN; Hopes Doped Water Will Be His Legacy, President Says
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WEBLOG POSTERS ‘BRAWLMANIA’ TO BE 1ST EVENT AT DOWNTOWN ARENA!
Chas ordained by Pope.
After reading Chas’ posts on the WE Blog, Pope kicks Chas’ ass out of the Church.
KANSAS KICKED OUT OF UNITED STATES – INSTALLING A FENCE AROUND STATE UNTIL IT CATCHES UP WITH THE REST OF U.S.
Some interesting comments from Chris Hedges on the war, the man who wrote War is a force that gives us meaning and <I? The Republican war on science .
I offer this snippet not to sabotage the Dem candidates (Hedges is rightfully contemptuous of McCain’s position, BTW), but rather to (hopefully) influence the debate among Dems in a positive direction.
From the article:
Examine the proposals on Iraq offered by Clinton and Obama. They talk about withdrawing some troops, but they also talk about leaving behind forces to protect U.S. bases in Iraq, assigning troops to train the Iraqi army and continuing the fight against “terrorism.” Clinton and Obama do not throw out numbers, but a rough estimate would be 40,000 or 50,000 troops permanently stationed in Iraq. Obama, his advisers say, will also not rule out continuing to use private security companies like Blackwater Worldwide in Iraq. The war would not end under a Democratic administration. It would drag on until the mission collapsed and the U.S. retreated in humiliation. And when pressed, the Democratic candidates have admitted as much. Tim Russert in the New Hampshire debate asked the Democratic candidates to guarantee that all U.S. troops in Iraq would be home by 2013. No one, including John Edwards, was prepared to make such a commitment. Dennis Kucinich, the only Democratic candidate who opposed a continuation of the war, had been excluded from the debate. When the question was asked he was standing outside the hall in the snow with supporters to protest his exclusion.
But the lust for militarism by Clinton and Obama does not end with Iraq. The two remaining Democratic candidates back the occupation of Afghanistan. They defend Israel’s indiscriminate bombing of Lebanon, which killed hundreds of Lebanese, destroyed huge parts of Lebanon’s infrastructure and left U.S.-manufactured cluster bombs littered over southern Lebanon. Clinton and Obama praise the right-wing government in Jerusalem and callously blame the Palestinian victims for the suffering inflicted on them by Israel. They support, in open defiance of international law, the 40-year Israeli occupation of Palestinian land and the draconian siege of Gaza, dismissing the grim humanitarian crisis it has unleashed on the 1.5 million Palestinians trapped in the world’s largest open-air prison.
http://www.truthdig.com/report/item/20080323_a_conscientious_objection/
Whoops, that was for open thread—my bad!
WEBLOGGER NATHAN REVEALED TO BE OVER 8000 YEARS OLD. WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE FACT HUMANS ARE ONLY 6000 YEARS OLD, NATHAN REPLIED, “I WAS TARGET PRACTICING OUT IN THE SPIRAL GALAXY. MISSED THE BLACK HOLE EXPRESS, OR I WOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST MAN.”
HANK, NATHANS DAD, SAID, “THAT’S MY SON, ALWAYS FOOLING AROUND.”
WEBLOGGER REGULAR ARRESTED FOR ROBBING THE BANK OF YODER. SAID POLICE, “THAT WAS ONE SMART COOKIE. HE WROTE THE HOLD UP NOTE ON ONE OF HIS CHECK STUBS.”
WHEN ASKED ABOUT THAT, REGULAR REPLIED, “BUT THEY ARE COOL NEW CHECKS; THE HAVE PICTURES OF THE TELETUBBIES ON THEM!”
REGULAR GETS JOB, NO LONGER A WARD OF THE STATE
In a surpirising turn of events, blogger Regular finally decided to work for a living and stop receiving his monthly government handout.
WSU TASK FORCE FINDS DEMOCRATS NO MORE LIKELY TO RECEIVE WELFARE THAN REPUBLICANS
The task force reached this conclusion when subsidies, tax breaks, abatements, etc. were figured into the equation. Not too surprising was the fact that Republicans outnumber Democrats 5 to 1 when it comes to feeding at the public trough.
MAX REPLACES BROWNLEE AS WEBLOG MONITOR
Max promises a “fair and balanced” blog just like he always maintains in his blogging activities. He also promises to send every blogger a picture of Jesus holding a baby dinosaur (from his favorite reference tabloid).
KANSASFARMGIRL ELECTED GOVERNOR OF KANSAS
After WeBlogger STEVEN WEST III was able to recall Governor Sebelius for being too short and decreasing the ’stature’ of KS, KFG won in a surge of rural write-in votes.
COSMOS RECEIVES HONORARY DOCTORATE FROM MIT
“He endured more scientific illiteracy than any man should!”
BLOGGER TOM RETURNS FROM THE HIMALAYAS ENLIGHTENED, BLISSED OUT, READY TO RUN FOR TODD TIHARTS HOUSE SEAT
“Tankerless Todd doesn’t have a clue and will be easy to beat.”
“Say What?
Posted March 24, 2008 at 7:17 am | Permalink
KANSAS KICKED OUT OF UNITED STATES – INSTALLING A FENCE AROUND STATE UNTIL IT CATCHES UP WITH THE REST OF U.S.”
Kansas doesn’t need to build a fence- all the surrounding states will gladly build it!
PREZ BUSH ANNOUNCES NEW FINANCIAL PLAN!!!
“Yup, I went and sold Louisiana to Jamaica!! It was going to cost too mush to fix’er up and then I’d have to raise the rents. I figgered out a better ideer.” , added the Prez.
Jamaica announces plans for the world’s biggest ganja plantation, to be located at a now secret location in the Northern Hemisphere!! Details to follow…. AP Release
PREZ BUSH SELL THE DEPT. OF EDUCATION TO THE CHINESE GOV!!!!!!!
“Yup, I didder. If the Chinese can teach their kids Chinese, they’re better teachers than we are. Hell, I know I couldn’t teach my kids Chinese, whether Mandarin, or that other one, ummm , oh yeah, Naval Chinese. I’m finally puttin’ my Harvard MSNBC degree to good use” added the Prez.
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