The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com:
HILLARY SENDS BILL ON CAMPAIGN TRIP TO ANTARCTICA; Will Remain There Until Convention, Aides Confirm
KUCINICH’S EXIT STUNS LONE SUPPORTER; Solitary Volunteer Calls Departure ‘Hasty’
NADER WARNS BLOOMBERG NOT TO RUN; Only Room for One Egomaniac in Race, Activist Says
HILLARY, OBAMA GET A ROOM; Candidates Bow to Request of Debate Viewers
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OBAMA REVEALS SECRET ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL - Senator Barak Obama revealed today that he was indeed related to Bob Dole, former Senator of Kansas. When asked to further expand on the subject, Obama stated, “I like Uncle Bob a lot and get my speaking style from him, however I reject his advice on how to run for President.”
HILLARY CLINTON ENLISTS GAY MAFIA TO GATHER SUPPORT - In a stunning move, Senator Hillary Clinton announced today that she has enlisted the help of the Gay Mafia. Gay Mafia spokesman, Duality Retrospect (real name - Phyllis Robert Janokowski), stated that members by the thousands will be campaigning and helping voters to register.
MITT ROMNEY RESIGNS FROM PRESIDENTIAL RACE - In a surprising move that shocked his support, Governor Mitt Romney said he would be stepping aside in his bid for the office of the President of the United States. Romney said that the lucrative offer by Starbucks and Krispy Kreme to bond in a merger was a once in a lifetime offer he couldn’t let go.
MCCAIN EXPLAINS PHOTOS PLACED ON A SUSPICIOUS WEB SITE - Senator McCain, President candidate explain that the photos of he and his wife sun bathing naked with their bare buttocks exposed was in their private hacienda in Arizona. It was reported that the Sisters of the Visual Mercy reported him to the FCC, when they found the photo while surfing the Web for organic foods.
NEW WICHITA EAGLE PUBLISHER INTRODUCES HERSELF TO THE WICHITA EAGLE STAFF WITH A PICNIC - Paid for by her “entertainment fund” the new Wichita Eagle Publisher had a frolicking good old fashion Southern hospitality get together. Moon pies and R C colas were served, along with pulled pork barbecue and red beans and rice.
JOURNEY DECIDES TO SHAVE HIS HEAD - a long overdue decison, Sen. Phil Journey has decided to go ahead and shave the rest of his head. He thinks it will help his stature with conservatives if he looks even more like Taras Bulba, the cossack made famous by Yul Brynner’s portrayal in the 1962 movie. Bulba is alleged to have said, “Put your faith in your sword, and your sword in a Pole.” Sounds like a good re-election motto, though Journey might want to change “Pole”.
RON PAUL PULLS THE UPSET OF THE CENTURY.
With super Tuesday now in the books, and all states ballots counted, it was surprisingly found that Ron Paul led both McCain and Romney with over 60% of the vote.
When asked about why he voted for Paul, one voter said, “I really like short people.”
This just in: Regular, a regular poster on WEblog, has decided to come out of the closet. Said Regular, “I couldn’t take the pain of knowing my fellow closetless brethren were out there, and I was still in the closet, still hiding.”
On a related note, Regular has declared he will perform an abortion on himself. The EPA has stated they want to be involved.
JM WALKER GOES IN FOR OPERATION - Dr. Weebits stated that he will use state of the art micro surgery techniques on JM Walker, so he doesn’t have to sit down when he urinates. Evidently, both the aperture and the canal length were of insufficient dimensions to allow relief while standing.
BUSH RESIGNS; THE NATION CHEARS
HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN!
“REGULAR” DIAGNOSED WITH SEVERE CONSTIPATION!
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