The following are some predictions for 2008 from borowitzreport.com:
— Responding to the controversy over the CIA’s waterboarding videotapes, President Bush will reaffirm his administration’s opposition to videotaping.
— After paying $5 billion for the Wall Street Journal, Rupert Murdoch (in photo) will reduce the size of the paper by removing the facts.
— As the writers’ strike drags on, Paramount will produce the second “Transformers†film without a script, just like it did the first one.
— China will send a new brand of rat poison to the United States under the name “Delicious Cupcakes.â€
— In his last official act, Bush will announce an exit strategy from Iraq. The president will withdraw all U.S. troops — through Iran.
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January 2008 - Main Stream Media closes Iraqi News Agency after revealing there are no corpses to photograph or Al Qaeda attacks to participate in as observers.
February 2008 - Intrust Bank renames Arena to Intrust Echo Chamber.
March 2008 - Clintons announce the release of a new vacuum cleaner for purposes of campaign fund raising - Bill Clinton dubbed it the “Oral 2008″. It features an on board package of cigars and the dirt bag is on the outside.
April Mayor Carl Brewer announces Project Positive at the new arena site - “parking at your own risk and expense.”
May 2008 Kansas legislature finish plans for new Capitol building in Topeka. It’s new features a huge underground water storage tank for future water emergencies when West Kansas go dry.
June 2008 The City of Wichita tables a proposal to make Interim City Manager permanent and hires a consultant for $50,000 to see if “Lazy Susan” City managers can be used on a per project basis.
July 2008 Nebraska hires WSU’s Volleyball coach for Husker football team. Nebraska University spokesman stated “We need a viable excuse when we lose football games.”
August 2008 Wichita Eagle Richard Crowson cartoonist announces new book, “Prairie Nuggets, Nougats and Nuttia.”
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September 2008 Washington D.C. - Democratic controlled House increases taxes on rich making above $100,000. Senate introduces bill to exclude salaries of House and Senate.
October 2008 U.N. announces Kyoto Junior treaty. IPCC spokesman says it will allow nations to participate by paying one billion per month purchasing Carbon Credits from Al Gore’s private “Make me rich” carbon trading firm.
November 2008Wichita teachers strike in protest of sugar induced juvenile rage syndrome caused by the new evolutionary candy - The Missing Link.
December 2008Wichita State University Arts Council approves $200,000 grant for artist concept sculptures - “Shaved insects and naked perennials.”
Decemberuary Sedgwick County approves extra month in the year for purposes of longer paid holiday vacation.
VICE PRESIDENT, DICK CHENEY, STARTLED THE WORLD TODAY BY FILING A CLAIM FOR BRITTANY SPEARS TWO CHILDREN.
SAID DICK, IN A CANNED STATEMENT, “HEY, IF EVEN ONE OF EM CAN SING AS WELL AS THEIR MOTHER, I’LL BE RICH!”
UNDER A NEW GOVERNMENT CONTRACT WITH BLACKWATER, THE PRESIDENTIALLY FORGIVEN SECURITY FIRM, THE FIRM WILL PROVIDE SECURITY TO ALL THE SCHOOLS IN THE UNITED STATES, ALASKA AND PUERTO RICO EXCLUDED.
ANY STUDENT CAUGHT WITH A WEAPON IN SCHOOL WILL BE IMMEDIATELY BE SHOT. PICTURE CARDS ARE BEING PRODUCED SO STUDENTS WHO CAN’T READ WILL HAVE NO EXCUSE FOR NOT UNDERSTANDING THE RULE.
ANY STUDENT STILL NOT UNDERSTANDING THE RULE WILL BE IMMEDIATELY HIRED BY BLACKWATER AS A SCHOOL GUARD.
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