The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com:
BLOOMBERG STILL DECIDING WHETHER TO BUY PRESIDENCY; Price Remains Sticking Point, Aides Say
HILLARY SCHEDULES OFFICIAL CRYING JAG FOR SOUTH CAROLINA; Launches ‘Sniffling Tour’ Before SuperDuper Tuesday
EDWARDS BLASTS OBAMA FOR CRITICIZING HILLARY’S CLAIM THAT OBAMA CRITICIZED EDWARDS; Voters Confused by Charges, Countercharges, Countercountercharges
BILL CLINTON KEYS OBAMA’S CAR; Shocking Show of Anger From Former President
ATTEMPTING TO DESTROY CIA TAPES, CHENEY BURNS DOWN WHITE HOUSE; Veep Apologizes for Accidental Inferno
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WSU BASKETBALL TEAM TO LAY BRICKS
Wichita Mens BB team announced today that they had been invited to lay the first bricks on the foundation of the new Intrust Bank Arena. Said coach Marshall; “We are always happy to do our part in the community. And, unfortunately, brick laying has become a team specialty this year”, he added.
Tragic but true outlander and quite humorous from a perspective point of view.
Anybody can make these up. I think your time would be better spent elsewhere instead of trying to get cutesy.
MULVANE WINS CASINO BID - It was announced today that Mulvane will be the site of a new $380 million Harrah’s resort casino. City Hall reported that applications to run for Mayor have increased ten fold.
SECRET CIA MESSAGES DISCOVERED - An agent who had forgotten about his old bluetooth phone recently found email text messages on the water boarding of captured terrorists. Messages were stored in an encrypted manner as “Little Bush.”
INTRUST OPENS NEW BRANCH IN ARENA - Spokesman stated that we finally have a facility big enough to hold our long lines.
BUSTED!!!!
DENNIS KUCINICH ARRESTED AS UFO!!
“Yes, we identified and arrested his as being a UFO (Unbelievably Foolish One). He currently undergoing mental evaluations to determine his future treatment”, offered the Police Spokesperson.
HEALTH CARE CARDS SOLD AT ATMS - Health Care Cards can now be directly charged to your bank account. After acquiring the card, the customer must wait 24 hours for activation and the card can be used at more than 30,000 Health Care Facilities nationwide.
HARRAH’S SPONSORS VOTING MACHINES IN SUMNER COUNTY - In a Vegas style slot, Harrah’s has entered the electronic voting machine business. The voting slots feature a pull lever for undecided voters.
BLOOMBERG DECIDES TO PURSUE LEVERAGED BUYOUT OF USA
“Since the country’s debt is so massive I should be able to swing it with no cash investment. Then I can just sell off the pieces and make a fortune.”
OBAMA ATTENDS KLAN MEETING
Says it’s time for a new generation to work together and get past the old arguments
Good one Rage!
PRESIDENT BUSH FALLS TO NEW LOW IN APPROVAL RATING
Only a half dozen bloggers, Barney the dog, and Laura still on board. Laura said to be wavering.
One year from today;
NEW PRESIDENT DISCOVERS TV STUDIO IN BASEMENT OF WHITE HOUSE.
Osama mask, set of Rosetta Stone Arabic Lessons CD’s found in dressing room.