The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com:
MOVEON.ORG PLANNING MEAN LIMERICK ABOUT PETRAEUS; Seeks Something That Rhymes With ‘Betray Us’
CLINTON CAMPAIGN REACHES OUT TO OTHER FUGITIVES; Attempt to Compensate for Loss of Hsu
O.J. AUTHORS “IF I ROBBED THEM”; New Book Explores Hypothetical Armed Robbery
HEDGE FUND MANAGERS MARCH ON WASHINGTON; Largest Chauffeur-Driven Protest in Capital’s History
Posted by Phillip Brownlee
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yawn.ok, don’t hit us with your best shot phil.
and, NOW for the rest of the story…
Petraeus Limerick Contest WinnersSeveral Contenders for Moveon.org’s Proposed Mean PoemYesterday the Borowitz Report reported that Moveon.org was planning a “really mean” limerick about General David Petraeus. According to the story, Moveon had composed the first four lines of the poem, but was stumped about the fifth and last line:
Hey there, General Petraeus
You should be called General Betray-us
Your views on Iraq
Are one big crock
(last line here)
Within minutes, The Borowitz Report was deluged with hundreds of submissions from readers offering a last line to Moveon.org’s mean limerick. While almost all of the submissions rhymed with “Petraeus” and some of them even made sense, here are the lines that the Borowitz Report has decided to forward to Moveon.org:
“Get us out before they fillet us.”
“Urging private contractors to slay us.”
“And when will the world pay us?”
From Shakespeare:
“This doth really dismay us.”
From Bob Barker:
“Don’t forget to neuter and spay us.”
And from Yoda:
“Please remove from this fray us.”
FLASH: well, duh PROVES TO THE WORLD THAT ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR SHOULD BE LEFT TO THE PROFESSIONALS.
well, duh, WHEN ASKED ABOUT HIS RECENT FORAY INTO ATTEMPTED HUMOR, SAID THIS: “MY SISTER LAUGHED.”
New element discovered
Recently a newly discovered element was determined to exist practically everywhere, but because it is inert, no one recognized it until a major research institution received a multimillion dollar government grant to determine why everything slowed down around governmental bodies. The recent hurricanes, gasoline issues and War-in-Iraq are considered three axiomatic proofs of the existence of the new element. Upon announcing the “newly” discovered element, the major research institution proclaimed it to be the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element has been named “Governmentium”.
Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312 on the periodic table.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast and undetermined numbers of infinitely small, lepton-like particles called peons.
Governmentium has no electrons; it is inert, very inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
Governmentium actually combined with any other element results in actions and reactions normally requiring less than a nano-second, to take over four days to set-up, and up to 6 months to begin any normal progress to a solid state. It has become apparent that neither Governmentium’s actions, nor reactions, are ever completed.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons frequently exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads most of the rational scientific community to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach critical concentration or mass.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since a single atom contains half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Isodopes…
Kansas Druid = Kansas. A fool is someone who answers himself.
Not hardly maidmarion, but please do keep wearing your tinfoil hat of conspiracy like a good little Lib.
last line: But we contractors don’t care, as long as you pay us!
BUSH PERSONALLY LEADS RAID ON INSURGENTS
Donning a flak jacket and a pair of infrared goggles, Commander-in-Chief George W. Bush led a squadron of crack troops in a pre-dawn attack on an insurgent safe-house.
Bush was shot twice but protected by God, the Almighty.
“There never was an insurgent or an Al Qaeda,” said Bush in his twangy Texas accent, “that could stand to look down the barrel of a US military rifle.”
Bush personally killed five and captured 8 foreign nationals believed to be working with Al Qaeda.
“I believe in putting my money where my mouth is,” said the tired but determined President of the Free World.
After the raid, the squadron relaxed by bronco riding wild Arabian horses.
“I’ve never seen a man with as much personal courage as . . . as . . . ” said one G.I. before tearing up and breaking off.
The President plans to return to the United States as soon as he has “smoked Osama bin Laden out of his hole.”
There once was a general named PatreusWho claimed he was her just to save usHe went to IraqAnd then he came backBut only came home to betray us.
BUSH ORDERS BLACKWATER SHOOTERS TO STAND TRIAL IN IRAQ
“I have full faith in the sovereignty of our trusted allies in the democratically elected Iraqi government” says Bush.
Looks like a few of them will probably swing. They may have as much trouble getting recruits in the future as the military currently has.
Looks like the NYT made a boo boo that Moveon is going to set right.NY Times says discount for Petraeus ad was mistake Sun Sep 23, 7:08 PM ET
NEW YORK (Reuters) - The New York Times said on Sunday it made a mistake in charging a discounted rate for printing a political ad that attacked the top U.S. general in Iraq, angering Republicans and drawing charges the newspaper is politicalky biased.
ADVERTISEMENTGiven the mistake, Moveon.org, the liberal anti-war group that purchased the ad on September 10 — the day Gen. David Petraeus testified to Congress about the war in Iraq — said on Sunday it was willing to pay the full price.
The ad, headlined “General Petraeus or General Betray Us,” accused Petraeus of “cooking the books for the White House.”
The New York Times’ public editor Clark Hoyt wrote that in his opinion, not only did the advertiser get a discount it was not entitled to, but the ad violated The Times’ own written standards.
“The ad appears to fly in the face of an internal advertising acceptability manual that says, ‘We do not accept opinion advertisements that are attacks of a personal nature,”‘ he wrote, adding that the phrase “Betray Us” was “a particularly low blow when aimed at a soldier.”
He quoted Times spokeswoman Catherine Mathis as saying the advertising representative who sold the ad failed to make it clear that for the standby rate of $65,000, The Times could not guarantee it would run it on the day of Petraeus’ testimony.
That standby rate is offered to political and advocacy groups willing to be flexible about the day their ads run.
“We made a mistake,” Mathis was quoted as saying.
Moveon.org said that it would wire the difference between the standby rate and the full rate of $142,083 to The Times.
“Now that the Times has revealed this mistake for the first time, and while we believe that the $142,083 figure is above the market rate paid by most organizations, out of an abundance of caution we have decided to pay that rate for this ad,” it said in statementToo bad Repubs. don’t have such character.
BLOGGER, KANSAS, THREATENS TO TAKE OTHERS DOWN WITH HIM IF HE IS BANNED FROM THE BLOG: The only problem is that there is no way to sink lower than this POS.
Phillip Bownlee, offers his apologies for defending the psychopath, Kansas. Phillip swears to do better for Wichita and the Eagle viewing audience. WE will wait and see…
Frogs have lips, Steven E has hips.
Both are green and slimy.
How, cute… Kansas. I will no longer respond to your utterly stupid posts. I promise.
Kansas, the right wing poster, threatens to shoot himself in the head.
NO ONE BOTHERS TO RESPOND: The world cries over its loss.