The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com:
BOWING TO PUBLISHING TREND, ROWLING TO REWRITE LAST INSTALLMENT OF POTTER SERIES TO MAKE HILLARY CLINTON THE VILLAIN
NADER’S EGO ENTERS 2008 RACE; Massive Ego Fills Madison Square Garden
CONGRESS HIRES ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS TO WRITE IMMIGRATION BILL; Lawmakers Cite Cost Savings
BUSH TO UNVEIL PLAN TO PHASE OUT ENVIRONMENT BY 2010
CNN TO OFFER SERVICE IN WHICH IT WILL BROADCAST DEMOCRATIC DEBATES BUT CROP OUT MIKE GRAVEL
Posted by Phillip Brownlee
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BUSH COMMUTES SENTENCE FOR CHARLES MANSON.
BUSH APPOINTS MANSON AS HIS NEWLY CREATED SECRETARY OF WAR.
Bush discovers that there is no such thing as a terrorist and that term is used to justify all sorts of inhumane activity against that which is really just angry men reacting to his foreign policy.
FRIEDMANN, WALKER AND XXX FIRED FROM COMEDY CLUB FOR MAKING NOT SO FUNNY REMARKSClub Manager Elroy “Tickles” McFancy stated that the old Curmudgeons were so stiff that there was no need to embalm them if they died.
RICHARD CROWSON UNDER SUSPENSION BY WICHITA EAGLECrowson, the Wichita Eagle Cartoonist was caught taking early and extended lunch breaks. Lou Heldman, Publisher stated that the woman exiting the Eagle building in a Burka and the disappearance of Crowson about 10:30 AM was just too coincidental not to notice.
REPUBLICAN EXPOSED AS TRUTH-CHALLENGED NIC-SWITCHER/NIC-STEALER.
OOPS, old news.
FRIEDEMANN, WALKER AND XXX FIRED CLUSTERBOMBS FROM SLIGSHOTS AT SPEEDING CAR DRIVEN BY REPUBLICAN
[ O J SIMPSON SPOTTED DRIVING CAR FOR REBUBLICAN WHILE WHELDING KNIFE THROUGH SUNROOF ]
Bush says 30 months is too long for perjury and obstruction of justice, urges all in America so charged and sentenced to apply for a presidential pardon, or commutation immediately!
CITY REDUCES SPEED LIMIT IN RESIDENTIAL AREAS TO 25 MPHPolice report that revenues of tickets from speeding motorists will enable the Wichita Police to replace their entire fleet of vehicles annually instead of every ten years.
350 FIREWORKS ENTHUSIASTS TICKETED ON JULY 4TH FOR VIOLATING CITY ORDINANCEPolice and Fire Investigators say the most common excuses were:(1) I was trying to light my charcoal for the barbeque.(2) It was dark out here(3) There were pigeons roosting on my house(4) I thought there were Al Queda in my backyard(5) It was the only way I could get rid of the evidence.
SEAN HANNITY FOUND SECRETLY WRITING TALKING POINTS FOR THE DEMOCRATIC PARTYIn an exclusive as reported by Al Toofar, the Daily Exposure wrote that the Fox News Channel and Radio Talk Show Host had earned several hundred thousands dollars as the main ghostwriter for Democratic Party Talking Points.
NEW WICHITA MAYOR MOVES TO SUSPEND CITY COUNCIL ACTIVITYThe new Mayor says “It’s just too scary to make a decision these days without getting saddled with wrong-thinking or partisan politics.” I’m doing this to preserve the integrity of the City Council. I’d rather be labeled as a “do-nothing” than a “gotcha” target.
COWTOWN FUNDING SOLUTION FOUND IN AN UNUSUAL WAYSeveral dozen Amish men and women were hired via “production” contract to work in Wichita’s Cowtown. The Amish will provide all maintenance and upkeep for Cowtown in exchange for living quarters and a Cowtown based Parish. Amish women would be allowed to sell crafts such as homemade preserves and hand-crafted quilts, suits and dresses.
PREZ BUSH PARDONS “BUCKSHOT” CHENEY’S TRIGGER FINGER FROM FUTURE LITIGATION!!!
“I decidemized that this was a purient thing to do in order to preventicate the VP from future lawsuits, ’specially with his record!”,the Prez added.
FOX NEWS’ MURDOC PURCHASES MCCLATCHEY NEWS CORP.It was reported that several Publishers were sent by ambulance to emergency rooms for hyperventilation and mild heart attack symptoms.
EPA REVERSES DECISION ON GLOBAL WARMING POLICYIn a sudden reversal, the EPA said it fully supports the IPCC mandate on man-made Global Warming. They also added that the Ten Million Dollar tax charged to Climate Research conducted within the U.S. was not viewed as excessive.
FRIEDEMANN, WALKER AND XXX reinstated at Comedy Club, while Republican deported to China to work on assemblyline @ 3 cents a day.
CEMETERY OWNERS GO HIGH TECHDozens of Cemetery Owners around the country have gone to using “file cabinet storage” of the deceased. “The move was necessary” says one Cemetery Owner as we were running out of land to bury people. Patrons of the Cemetery can view the physical storage units online in real time and place “Cyber Flowers” and messages if they wish. Spokeswoman Ima Grimm also states that new IPOD access is also being instituted so patrons on the go can view their loved ones at work, vacation or at home.
BLOOMBERG GIVES SPEECH AT VIRGINIA UNIVERSITY ON ANTI-GUN PROPOSALSWhen Bloomberg asked the audience who was “packin” today, the entire audience stood up. The speech was cut short after the introduction.
CHARLES MANSON, NEWLY APPOINTED SECETARY OF WAR, TELLS REPUBLICAN IN OPEN LETTER TO NEW YORK TIMES, “THINK ‘WHITE ALBUM’”.
GSTER QUESTIONED BY HOMELAND SECURITY FOR WRITING IN A COMBINATION OF EUBONICS AND “TEXT” MESSAGING.
Stated holeland security chief, Ron “bigfoot” Smallchicken, “We can’t be having no cracker be ‘ventin’ no new language widout us be knowin’ ’bout it”.
In a related story, Gster and Republican were put in the same cell at Guantamino. Republican later found hiding under cot. Said Republican, “He just kept saying, ‘Clinton, Clinton, Clinton’, over and over again. I thought I was going mad!”
In a snafu last week, Hillary Clinton was judged to be the Ugliest Dog in America winner. News at11 pm!
GSTER HANGS SELF IN GITMO CELL!!
Note left behind stated ” I can take Gitmo, but Republican? That’s worse than going to Hell twice and marrying my Mothe-in-Law!! No way !!Goodbye cruel world!”
Israel gives back land to Palestinians. Israelis move to “Outback” and immediately start shooting Aborigines, while bulldozing their Huts.
Ed Friedemann Becomes Rabbi
Jesus and Farmgirl Weep After Hearing News
Jews Convert to Islam To Escape Wrath of Rabbi Friedemann, as Rabbi Friedemann last Seen On His Way To Australia To Hunt Down Escaped Zionists.
Pres. bush says he doesn’t sweat global warming even if it is true, states “That’s why God invented air-conditioning”
Several WE bloggers hauled before World Court to stand trial for Global Warming Denial. Al Gore says that Global Warming revisionism could lead to a holocaust against the environment!