Dubious, bogus and utterly phony headlines

The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com:
BUSH PROPOSES SENDING TRANSFORMERS TO IRAQ; Awards $85 Billion Defense Contract to Hasbro
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS SEEK SCOOTER’S DEAL; ‘El Libbre’ Becomes Folk Hero, Beacon of Hope
CHENEY, BRIEFLY ASSUMING BUSH’S DUTIES, SAYS HE ENJOYED THE DOWNTIME; President’s Colon Procedure Offered Welcome Break From Grueling Vice Presidential Schedule
CHENEY DECLARES HIMSELF NATIONAL MONUMENT; Latest Attempt to Dodge Subpoena
Posted by Phillip Brownlee

13 Comments

  1. mrbill
    Posted July 30, 2007 at 1:38 am | Permalink

    A headline and article at the NYT that will likely cause the net-roots collectivists heads to explode..

    “A War We Just Might Win”http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/30/opinion/30pollack.html?_r=2&oref=slogin&oref=slogin

    And its from the Liberal guys at Brookings… unless they have come under the spell of Rove to. Im guessing their invite to the upcoming net-root conference has been rescinded.

  2. CapnAmerica
    Posted July 30, 2007 at 1:38 am | Permalink

    COWED DEMOCRATS REFUSE TO SERVE SUBPOENAS ON WHITE HOUSE STAFFERS

    Afraid Cheney will take them “hunting” . . .

  3. CapnAmerica
    Posted July 30, 2007 at 1:53 am | Permalink

    Headlines from July 2057:

    KELLOGG PROJECT NEARS COMPLETION

    Unfortunately, Star Trek like transporters make hiways obsolete

    WHEN THEY STEP UP, WE’LL STAND DOWN

    Declares President George Prescott Herber Walker Bush III

    NEVER PROFITABLE WICHITA ARENA RAZED

    Time for an even BIGGER arena, claims mayor

    KANSAS LEGISLATURE OUTLAWS HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE

    Gay majority claims heteros more likely to sexually abuse children

    JERRY FALWELL–STILL DEAD

    Despite backers’ claims, fundamentalist preacher does not rise from grave

    GLOBAL WARMING CLAIMS STILL IN DOUBT

    Winfield, Kansas now ranked number 1 Gulf-Coast tourist town

  4. Kansas
    Posted July 30, 2007 at 2:22 am | Permalink

    CASINO VOTERS TAKE A CHANCEVoters rolled the dice on early voting by spinning the chance machines at the Old Courthouse. One voter said, “I just closed my eyes and poked.”

  5. Ben
    Posted July 30, 2007 at 9:38 am | Permalink

    mrbill – I hope they are correct. Patreus’ report in September will be quite interesting.

  6. CapnAmerica
    Posted July 30, 2007 at 9:42 am | Permalink

    Ben–

    I hope they are correct too.

    But how many times can you “turn a corner” and “make progress” over four and a half years before you don’t believe anything the lying b*st*rds say?

  7. Ben
    Posted July 30, 2007 at 9:43 am | Permalink

    Capn – or see the light at the end of the tunnel?

  8. SolDevVB
    Posted July 30, 2007 at 9:46 am | Permalink

    ED FRIEDEMANN CONVERTS TO JUDAISM. BUYS HOUSE IN ISRAEL

    “Gonna off me some of those dirty Palestinians when I get there too…”

  9. MPS
    Posted July 30, 2007 at 9:59 am | Permalink

    ARENA PROVES THE FAR-SIGHTED VISION OF ITS FOUNDERS

    This week, tens of thousands of Kansas Gulf Coast hurricane victims are being sheltered in the downtown arena. WichitaThunder public relations director says victims are welcome to clear their cots off the floor and watch the as many hockey games as they want, for free, until the water subsides and their FEMA trailers can be set up. “We have plenty of seats, because we’ve only had about 300 paying customers per game for the past five years. Hot dogs and beer will be a dollar off for our visitors.”

  10. gster
    Posted July 30, 2007 at 10:20 am | Permalink

    DICK CHENEY RUSHED TO HOSPITAL FOR EMERGENCY PROCEDURE!!

    “Exploratory surgery indicates heart problem, necessitating complete removal.Latest NCR Model 98 state of the art cash register was installed”, a hospital spokeman related.

    Upon discharge from the hospital , the VP promptly listed his Grandmother Irene for sale on Ebay!!

    “Make me an offer and make my day!.. Just how may grandmothers do I have?”, added the VP.

  11. stumper
    Posted July 30, 2007 at 11:34 am | Permalink

    427 found gasping for air in new FEMA trailers set up for victims of Hurricane Phred. Hurricane Phred, named after the President Phred Phelps, hit the gulf coast of Wichita, Kansas, at 12:47 am, and caused all four city golf course to close.

    City revenues have been downgraded to B- due to closure. Wichita asking for quick loan from Payday loans, inc.

  12. The Phantom
    Posted July 30, 2007 at 11:37 am | Permalink

    The U.S. to re-arm the Mid-East, an effort not undertaken since the Saddam era! Oh, that one’s true.

  13. ProudMan
    Posted July 30, 2007 at 12:18 pm | Permalink

    EDWARDS CONFIRMS SUPPORT FOR “TWO AMERICAS” – It’s the only talking point I have explains candidate

    WALTER REED MEDICAL CENTER WINS HOSPITAL OF THE YEAR – Hospital now a blueprint for Nationalized Health Care

    CHURCHES PUT KS LOTTERY CASINO OUT OF BUSINESS – Once people realized you can’t pray in the government building before pulling the handle it was all over.

    MEXICIAN PRESIDENT DEFENDS TROOP SURGE – “California will stabilize within a couple of years”, says President.

    IRS DEFENDS INCOME CONFISCATION TAX – “You will still get a refund after you file your taxes, you just won’t get those ‘paychecks’ in between”, says spokesman.