The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com:
TB GUY TOPS BUSH IN NEW POLL; Latest Sign of Trouble for White House
HILLARY SENDS GORE BASKET OF CALORIE-RICH TREATS; Attempt to Thwart Potential ‘08 Run, Observers Believe
BUSH NAMES WOLFOWITZ PRESIDENT OF AL-QAIDA; Hopes to Undermine Terror Network
Posted by Rhonda Holman
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MOTHER WILL NOT LET PUPS EAT COMMERCIAL DOG FOOD; instead kills family cat and pups enjoy. Says dog owner, “She’s a real beeyatch!”
PHILLIP BROWNLEE DISCOVERS STRANGE GROWTH ON HIS FACE!Other Eagle reporters scramble to discover the source of this facial malufunction.
RANDY SCHOLFIELD DISILLUSIONED!
Randy Scholfield became disillusioned with his job when he found out yesterday, he was hired to be an Opinion Editor and not an Onion assistant. “The commonality of the lettering in the two words is no doubt a conspiracy from Bush,” said Scholfield.
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ANDIE CLUM HIRED AS NEW ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT COLUMNISTClum states the job has more benefits and when she critiques films the popcorn is definitely fresher than what the Eagle serves in the break room.
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RICHARD CROWSON PUT ON SUSPENSION BY PUBLISHERRichard Crowson and Lou Heldman seen furiously arguing about why Crowson’s human cartoons only seem to have three fingers and a thumb. Crowson stated tradition as his reasoning and Heldman gave Crowson a finger and extra time off the job to think about his stance.
=============================PRESIDENT BUSH’S WRIST WATCH FOUND IN PAWN SHOPThe pawn shop owner denied knowing that the watch actually belong to the U.S. President. He thought the seller was lying about where he acquired the watch and gave the seller a substantially lower price than what he asked. The Pawn Shop Owner also offered to sell the watch back to the U.S. President with a ten percent discount.=============================
DEMOCRATS IN THE HOUSE AND SENATE VOTED NO CONFIDENCE ON THEIR OWN ABILITY TO RESTRAIN THEMSELVES FROM ATTACHING MASSIVE PORK TO BILLS
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GUILIANI SAYS HE’LL STOP CALLING RON PAUL A HACK AND A QUACK IF PAUL WILL STOP SHOWING THE PHOTO OF THE FORMER MAYOR WEARING A DRESS
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TEACHER UNIONS ACROSS THE U.S. DISBAND
The National Research Council declares the Twilight Zone was based on real events.
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PHILLIP BROWNLEE ANNOUNCES HIS DEBUT AS AN ACTORThe reason I have grown a beard as the movie “Pirates of the Carribean” were hiring extras and I was chosen for the part. What I didn’t realize is that the role were casting for was for a female ghost!
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REPUBLICAN CONFESSES TO NIC SWITCHING AND VOWS NEVER AGAIN TO POST UNDER HIS ALTERNATE IDENTITY OF CAPNAMERICA
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REPUBLICAN CLAIMS HE WAS THE “COWBOY” BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN WAS WRITTEN ABOUT. He also claims to have invented the internet, the light bulb, shoes, cheese-whiz, bottle rockets and mayonnaise.
Friend(s) asking for donations so he can pay for his meds. Confinement suggested by fellow bloggers.
REPUBLICAN LEAVES FOR IRAQ TO HELP BUDDY BUSH ESTABLISH DEMOCRACY
Now THAT is a headline that could happen but won’t ’cause Republican is…(all together now)
…A LYING HYPOCRITE!
REPUBLICAN, IN IT’S VARIOUS INCARNATIONS VOTED BLOG MOST POPULAR POSTER!
Opponents accuse WE Blog of “Florida-style” vote counting! Kathleen Harris spotted at election headquarters!
hee hee hee Clark! Good one.
WEBLOG BECOMES KANSAS’ OFFICIAL “ALL ABORTION ALL THE TIME” DISCUSSION FORUM, GOVERNOR DECLARES.
In response, WEBlog regulars Littlejohn and CapnAmerica immediately chuck their computers from 10th story windows, narrowly missing a pair of men fighting below them.
“If we had known it was Dr. Tiller beating the crap out of Troy Newman, we would have aimed better,” said the pair in a joint statement.
See Thursday’s Eagle for updates to the story.
FEMA SHOOTS KATRINA VICTIMS’ FAMILY PETS
(oops, sorry, that one is true)
MEDIA OBSESSES ON TB GUY SO THEY DON’T HAVE TO REPORT ACTUAL NEWS
Missing cute white girl and shark attacks will follow soon . . .
(oh, wait, that one’s true too)
Tom-
Best laugh I’ve had all week. thanks!
Littlejohn,
No problem. Glad I could help
WE BLOG BANS INCESSANT “I AM A VICTIM TALK”
Tom and ksfarmgrrl exclaim they have been victimized by WE Blog. Political Mom joins in.
Senator Roberts states (R) states:”When you have to have a guy with as low approval rating as President Bush has, raise funds for you, you know you’re in trouble!”
Rep. Todd Tiahrt (R) says: “I buy alot of my guns for a deep discount, it’s nobody’s business where they’ve been.”
Senator Roberts says: “If GWB want to meet and greet the commoner for free, I’m just glad he did it in Kosovo, instead of Kansas!”
Limited Availability for President Bush’s Meet and Greet! Get your tickets now at JAbramoff@fedprison.com.
POLICE BREAK UP ILLEGAL STREET CHOIR!
Wandering band of suspected liberals singing “Walk On By” threatened with arrest.
PHIL KLINE & FRED PHELPS TO ELOPE TO SAN FRANCISCO!!!
PATRIOT GUARD TO ESCORT BLUSHING COUPLE TO COLORADO STATE LINE AS PART OF THEIR “GOOD RIDDANCE” PROGRAM.
The Governor of Colorado insists couple to travel across the state only at night. “Our livestock are stressed enough by the drought, Mrs Kline-Phelps is more than their systems can bear!!”, the Governor added.
PROPERTY VALUES IN KANSAS MYSTERIOUSLY SPIKE FOR UNKNOWN REASON.
Good one, G, well said………….. if only it were true.
CALIFORNIA PLACES ARMED GUARDS AT BORDER!
“We got a tip two pathological nutcases were trying to enter the state” the head of the CHP stated.
STATE OF NEVADA DETECTS RELEASE OF BIOWEAPON NEAR I-80
“A car with two mindless blobs of protoplasm was seen heading west,” said an Area 51 official. “Our sensors indicate that these blobs are of the most putrid, poisonous, and dangerous biological material ever discovered. We urge all Nevadans to take immediate security precautions.”
KLINE FAMILY FORCED TO REROUTE HONEMOON TRIP TO SAN FRANCISCO!!!
“How was I to know I was violating 3 states laws concerning transporting an MEGA-UGLY wife across state lines?, Mr. Kline moaned. “Now it looks as if we’ll have to detour south thru Mexico to make this trip!”, he added.
MEXICO PETITIONS WORLD COURT TO FORCE US TO CEASE WMD ATTACK
“This toxic ectoplasm violates every international agreement ever signed” declares Court.
TEXAS OFFERS FLINE-PHELPS REFUGE!
“We worked out a trade with Kansas; they will take Bush. We figure we got the better deal” says Texas governor.
LATEST INFO ON KLINE-PHELPS WEDDING TRIP!!
“It’s bad enough we got pulled over, but now I’m busted by the EPA for illegal transport of a Hazardous Substance (brimstone) by an unlicensed carrier. And due to her “aura” , if we travel on Federal Highways my blushing bride will have to either ride in the trunk or wear a burka. You know I thought that was a strange grin Dr. George Tiller had on when he gave the blushing bride away. Is this a test of true love or what?”,the Groom opined.
Behave, G, you’re going to get the anti’s worked up…….
REPUBLICAN and WSCLARK MAKE PEACE!
Meeting together for the first time, at the Peace Conference held in Jerusalem, WSClark and Republican decided that if Israel and the Arabs could make peace, then they could bury the hatchet as well.
Clark and Republican then joined the Presidents of Israel, Syria, Lebanon, Palestine, Iran, Iraq, Egypt and Saudia Arabia, in sharing a toast to George Bush. They then joined together holding hands as they walked in a Peace Parade thru the streets of Jerusalem.
Now THAT qualifies as a dubious, bogus and utterly phony headline.
I just inhaled my gum.
DAMMIT. That hurt.
“They then joined together holding hands as they walked in a Peace Parade thru the streets of Jerusalem.”Afterwards they were heard to say their next stop together was the San Fran Pride Parade.
THANK YOU BRIAN! That post just helped me cough UP the gum previously inhaled.
I am hetero, Brian, you will have to ask Republank what he is.
“I am hetero, Brian, you will have to ask Republank what he is.
Posted by: WSClark | June 13, 2007 at 05:53 PM”
Ladies and Gentlemen, we now have the WINNER of the Dubious, bogus and utterly phony headlines!
Great, Totally ‘Tupid is back. Jeez, ‘Tupid, that comment is so sixth grade. If you want to sit at the grownups table, you’re going to have to get serious about growing up.
KLINE-PHELPS MARRIAGE ASUNDER!!!!
“I can’t believe I’m pregnant with my wife’s child!!I mean, I’m carrying Fredericka’s child…. wauggggght!!
I wonder if I ask Dr. Tiller really nice , he would….
Hmmmmmmmm, I need a disguise.
Maybe I’ll wear one of my wife’s dresses.
Something that goes well with my eyes.
Yeah, that might work!!”
KLAATU AND GORT RETURN TO CHECK ON EARTH’S PROGRESS…NOT ALLOWED TO LAND IN WASHINGTON ON GROUNDS THAT THEY ARE ILLEGAL ALIENS !!