The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com:
POLL: 100% OF REPUBLICANS SUPPORT HILLARY’S DECISION TO RUN; GOP Reaction Ranges from Ecstatic to Euphoric
CHENEY INVITED LIBBY ON HUNTING TRIP; Nothing to Do With Perjury Trial, Veep Insists
CHAVEZ DEMANDS MEMBERSHIP IN AXIS OF EVIL; Craves Slot Vacated By Saddam
HOME DEPOT PAYS SALESCLERK $12 MILLION TO GO AWAY; Largest ‘Golden Parachute’ for Incompetent Low-level Employee Ever
BIN LADEN DENOUNCES INCLUSION ON WORST-DRESSED LIST; Declares Global Jihad Against Mr. Blackwell
GOD DENIES TALKING TO PAT ROBERTSON; Supreme Being Calls Televangelist ‘Delusional’
OBAMA POSING THREAT TO ROCK STARS, ROCK STARS FEAR; Millions Forsake Music Idols for Illinois Senator
SADDAM, PINOCHET RIP OVERCROWDED CONDITIONS IN HELL; Deceased Madmen Forced to Be Roommates
PRESIDENT BUSH ISSUES NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS; Vows to Invite Hugo Chavez to Lunch at Taco Bell
Posted by Phillip Brownlee
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17 Comments
Here’s a really stupid one “Ethics Commission Decides Not To Fine Kline.”
That one is straight out of a Cap-Journal article in which Kline was unanimously cleared of any ethical wrongdoing whatsoever, and even then the media hatemongers tried to make it appear that the Ethics Commission had gone soft on him.
Which brings me to my suggested headline: “Kansas media leads way to Fourth Reich, gassing of evangelicals.”
Fear not, young Kansan girls! Phill Kline is here to protect your virtue.
Or, possibly to punish you if you have sex.One or the other.And let’s not forget his ‘68′ policy.Girls may give, but not recieve!
FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIANS DELETE BIBLICAL INJUNCTION TO ‘JUDGE NOT, LEST YE BE JUDGED’
“No one was paying any attention to it anyway,” said Jerry Falwell.
CAPNAMERICA NAILED FOR BLATANT HYPOCRISY
I thought that it was open season on conservatives and fundamentalist Christians, said an obviously confused Capn. I didn’t think calling people and groups names was really judging. Oh well, like I always tell everyone; “Do as I say, not as I do”.
JERRY FALWELL/MUQTADA AL-SADYR VENTURE REVEALED!!
“We wold like to announce the formation of the “Mohammed Meets Mary M. Tabernacle/Mosque and Food Court”!!.
Key Features:
Emu Burgers w/Hummus and Turkey Bacon!
Kocher Camel Steaks for the Religiously Challenged and Discriminating Diner!
Virgin Mary Burqas!
Self-flagellating Nerf Chains!
Drive thru Baptisms!
More to Follow!
I love it… God Denies talking to Pat Robertson… Now, can we get God to deny any alleged influence on Fox and Wright here at home?? Surely cant be far from making headlines!!
EAGLE BLOG STOPS BOTTING JM! Typepad .com finacially backed by George Soros!
EAGLE GIVES PHILL KLINE REALITY CHECK All Employees wearing Hillary for President Badges found resting on dashboards of their car
GOD HOLDS COURT IN MOUNTAINS Determines Supreme Court Justices Delusional because of their Moral Matter Decisions
OBAMA WINS DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION Asks Bill Clinton to be Vice President
PREZ BUSH RAISES HIS OWN POPULARITY RATING!!
“I’m tired off all these low ratiatings, so I decided to borrow from my next year’s ratings. I mean, that’s how we pay for things in Congress,.. borrowment from the future to spend now! It’s just reborrownating from a different time!” , the Prez explained.
NETWORK EXECS CHANGE PROGRAMMING!!
STATE OF BUSH CAUSES CANCELLATION OF STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS!!
“As it stands, this program would be a major money loser… we would be better off running an Infomercial for Kaboo!”, a network executive said on background.
RACIAL PURITY BOARD SET UP TO DETERMINE IF BARACK OBAMA IS “REALLY BLACK”.Critics claim that only those of pure ethnic background can be considered of a said race.
(see today’s reader’s views)
NEW TYPE OF MATTER DISCOVEREDScientists postulate that “moral matter” may account for the ‘missing mass’ in the universe.
“POLL: 100% OF REPUBLICANS SUPPORT HILLARY’S DECISION TO RUN; GOP Reaction Ranges from Ecstatic to Euphoric”
WHAT IS SO BOGUS AND PHONY ABOUT THIS HEADLINE. IT’S TRUE ISN’T IT?
DEMOCRATS WANTS BUSH, THE SEQUEL TO RUN FOR A THIRD TERM!!!!
Democrats say that that would be a “virtually guarantee” that Democrats would not only win the presidency, but win unanimous control of the House and Senate.
“GOD DENIES TALKING TO PAT ROBERTSON; Supreme Being Calls Televangelist ‘Delusional’”
IF THIS IS A DUBIOUS AND PHONY HEADLINE THAT WOULD MEAN THAT GOD DID TALK TO PAT. A PHONY HEADLINE WOULD STATE THAT GOD CONFIRMS TALKING TO PAT. LOGIC IS NOT ONE OF THE EDITORIAL BOARDS GREATEST ASSESTS
PRESIDENT ACCUSED IN OVAL OFFICE ORAL SEX SCANDAL!!!! SENATORS DEMAND RESIGNATION!!! COUNTRY OUTRAGED!!!!
Bush denies performing oral sex on anyone, Pickles confirms Presidents contention.
RIGHT ANGLE LEARNS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MINDLESS NEGATION AND SATIRE
SEDGWICK COUNTY OFFICIALS STOP CONSTITUTIONAL VIOLATIONS,HELL HAS INDEED FROZE OVER!
C’mon now,we know that will never happen!