Dubious, bogus and utterly phony headlines

The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com:
BOULDER DISTRICT ATTORNEY PLEADS INSANITY; ‘Out of My Mind’ to Arrest John Mark Karr, Lacy Explains
VIDEO PIRACY RING DROPS TOM CRUISE FILMS; Chinese Bootleggers Call Star’s Behavior ‘Unacceptable’
PLUTO DEMOTED, BUT NOT RUMSFELD; Scientists Baffled by Defense Secretary’s Staying Power
SADDAM: I KILLED JONBENET; Stunning Confession Rocks Former Dictator’s Trial
FAA BANS PEOPLE FROM FLIGHTS; ‘Zero Tolerance for People,’ Chertoff Says
U.N. TO SEND PEACEKEEPERS; HEZBOLLAH TO SEND WARKEEPERS; ‘Roadmap to Chaos’ Still Intact, Says Hezbollah Leader
BUSH SEEKS EXIT STRATEGY AT MAPQUEST; Vows to Find Most Direct Route From Iraq to U.S.
Posted by Phillip Brownlee

9 Comments

  1. TRACY
    Posted August 31, 2006 at 6:19 am | Permalink

    NOBODY ROBBED THE LIQUOR STORE ON THE LOWER SIDE OF TOWN

  2. gster
    Posted August 31, 2006 at 9:34 am | Permalink

    WHITE HOUSE ATTACKED!!!!

    NATIONAL MONUMENT VICTIM OF MASSIVE TOILET PAPERING ATTACK!!!

    ONLY CLUES FOUND IN LETTER LEFT ON FRONT DOOR!!

    Letter Translation:

    ” President Bush- you bacon-slurping heathen! Enjoy the toilet paper- we don’t need the vile stuff. Don’t you know anything about proper etiquette? That’s why Allah gave us a left hand , you twit!!May the fleas from 100 camels nest in your nose, and sand fleas chew off your toenails.Phhhoey on your House!!”

    Signed:President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

  3. Steven Davis
    Posted August 31, 2006 at 11:17 am | Permalink

    DAILY ATTENDANCE AT COWTOWN INCREASES DRAMATICALLY: Museum director dismisses the notion that casino gambling and tax-subsidized prostituion are the reasons. “We are just striving for historical accuracy”, director contends.

  4. Steven Davis
    Posted August 31, 2006 at 11:53 am | Permalink

    COWTOWN ATTENDANCE SLUMPS AGAIN: Officials find that the historical re-enactor playing town marshall, Michael Meagher, was turning away concealed/carry visitors.

  5. Steven Davis
    Posted August 31, 2006 at 12:42 pm | Permalink

    COWTOWN ATTENDANCE UP AGAIN:”Historically accurate” dance hall girl nude foot-race to the Arkansas credited with the turnaround.

  6. J M Walker
    Posted August 31, 2006 at 10:04 pm | Permalink

    “MY GOD: CAN’T THESE PEOPLE JUST SAY THEY LOVE ME ONCE?”

    Those are the last words spoken, just prior to his being led to Beth Shayid Psychiatric Clinic For The Politically Insane, or BSPCFTPS., by Donald Rumsfeld, current Secretary of Defense at the beleaguered Bush Administration. President Bush, in a later news conference, had this to say, “F*** him!!!”

  7. Ed Friedemann
    Posted August 31, 2006 at 11:26 pm | Permalink

    OSAMA SAWS-OFF ISRAEL…FLOATS OUT TO SEA…SINKS…MASSIVE FISH KILL..

  8. gster
    Posted September 1, 2006 at 3:16 pm | Permalink

    PRESIDENT BUSH ENDS IRAQI WAR!!!!

    “We bought the country, lock, stock and oil barrel!!, the President added.

    VP Dick Cheney will resign to head new Haliburton-Iraq Oil Company.

    Secretary of Def. Runsfeld to resign to head new Haliburton-Iraq Army.

    Florida Gov. Jeb Bush to move to head new Haliburton-Iraq Real Estate Company, managing house rentals and property management in newly purchased country.

    Details to follow.

  9. writerdog
    Posted September 5, 2006 at 9:11 pm | Permalink

    CHINA’S LARGEST RETAILER BUYS OUT WAL-MART.

    Lee-Mart, China’s largest retailer bought out control of Wal-Mart America’s largest retailer in a surprise move that has cause Lee-Mart stock to soar. The China retailer had been a death tolls for America’s largest retailer since opening it first store in Kansas. Under pricing the retail giant by selling only America made products. Wal-Mart who’s primary product source is from China could not meet Lee-Mart’s prices and soon their sales started to slide.