MEADE RESIDENTS TEAR DOWN DALTON GANG HIDEOUT; Cite Harmful Influence on Their Children
TERRY FOX LEAVES WILD WEST WORLD TO BECOME PASTOR AT COWTOWN; Terry Vows to Put an End to Saloon Can-Can Show
CITY COUNCIL AGREES TO GIVE SOUTH WICHITA FIRE STATION ‘WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER’; Even Then, Residents Must Go to End of Line
Posted by Randy Scholfield
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BUSH RESIGNS PRESIDENCY!!!!!!
ASSUMES NEW POSITION AS MAYOR OF FANTASYLAND!!
“That silver-tongued MIcky M talked me into it. Anyone can be the President, after all, look at me! After being in Fantasyland much of my life, it’s time to give back and be the Mayor. When I told Laura, she called me a Jug-eared pissant and I’ve been on the counch ever since. Maybe a weekend at Gitmo might change her mind. Hmmmm? I consider this move to be a fantastic oportunical!”, the Mayor added.
NIKE TO SPONSOR HUGO CHAVEZ!
“We definitely do not want to out-advertised by Adidas’ effort to sponsor Fidel Castro,” a spokesman was quoted in Beaverton, OR, as sponsorship has spilled from sport arenas to include Third World leaders. “After all, they say politics is just another sport.”
TERRY FOX ANNOUNCES NEW COMMERCIAL ESTABLISHMENT IN PARK CITY!!!
NEW VENTURE TO BE NEXT DOOR TO THEME PARK.
The “Rev. T’s Drive Thru Car Wash & Baptism Center” to open next month.
KEY FEATURES:
* Imported Ganges water for Hindus* Nile water for the Muslims* Feedlot runoff for Homegrown Heathens
Future plans include oil/lube, chiropractic services and pizza delivery and dog walking!!
Come one, Come all, Come often!!Our Motto: ” You can’t over-baptise!!”
ATTORNEY GENERAL PROPOSES NEW LEGISLATION FOR DRIVER’S LICENSE RENEWAL!!
“New applications will require a polygraph test, those having impure thoughts will be grounded, literally! I certainly don’t want to think the guy in the next lane is one of THOSE!! To get a new license they will have to visit”Rev. T’s Drive Thru Car Wash & Baptism Center” at least 3 times. In fact, maybe all new licensees should go at least once. This will get everyone on the RIGHT path!!, AG Kline added.
LOCAL BUSINESS NEWS:Stock prices of Rev. T’S new enterprise mysteriously quadruple over night!!
gster, stop, yer killin me……
LINCOLN STREET DAM STOLEN!!!!
LARGE STRUCTURE TAKEN OVER NIGHT BY MYSTERIOUS THIEVES!!
LOCAL POLICE BAFFLED AND CLUELESS!!
KEEPER OF THE PLAINS SPORTS NEW RAIN COAT!!
OVER NIGHT BENEFACTOR PROVIDES LOCAL LANDMARK WITH SNAPPY NEW ATTIRE.
CITY OFFICALS BAFFLED AS INVESTIGATION CONTINUES. Mayor Myans:” We don’t have a damm clue about this!!”.
WESTERN KANSAS RESTARUANT OWNER DIES FROM LAUGHTER!!
Suspect in case known only as “gster”.
heheheheheheheh
I feel faint right nooooowwwww…..
I’m gong for the new “Troll” defense!
heheheh
and if that doesnt work, you can always use the Dan White “twinkie defense”?
It worked to get him off for killing Harvey Milk.
I am sure you wouldnt have ANY problem finding a jury in ks to acquit you of killing a queer!
MECHANICAL BULL COMES TO WICHITA WATERWALK
“With this in town, we can quit slinging ordinary bull” says Mayor Mayans.
DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE ANNOUNCES NEW TOOL IN THE WAR ON TERRORISM!!!
“We bought the Hutchinson Kansas Salt Mine. The new facility, to be known as the “Hutchinson Hold for Law Enforcement” or HUTCH HOLE ,will be a valuable addition to our arsenal. You might say HUTCH HOLE is the GITMO OF THE MIDCO!
Proposed Key Features:
* Braille Mecca Maps for prayer orientation in low-light conditions.* Jerry Falwell/ Cal Thomas to provide various counciling services.* Walls to be painted pink to assist in mood enhancement.* Aggressive inmates to be subjected to pig rind aroma-therapy.* Background music provided by the Royal Scottish Bagpipe Society .* 3 person operation with Warden to have only key to elevator.* Ala Carte meals of hummus/grits and slightly out-of-date MREs on menu.
Related News:President Bush considering enlarging new facility and arresting entire populations of Syria and Iran as first tennants in Pilot Program. White House issued ” No comment!”
BIN LADEN TO OFFER MUSICAL CD!!!!!
REPORTED TO BE PR/FINANCIAL GENERATING CAMPAIGN.
Reported Selections:
“Blow Me UP!”"Minaret by Minaret”"Long Cool Woman in a Black Burqua”"I’m in the Mood for Jihad”"You Ain’t nothing but an Infadel”"Born to Bomb”
Rumors circulating about a second release , tentatively titled:”Music to Pray By: Led Zepplin for the Mosque”
NEW SPECIES OF LIFE FOUND IN ARKANSAS RIVER IN WICHITA KANSAS!!!!
The new specimem is thought to be a cross beteen a duck and a carp, tentatively named a Darp! This is the only known feathered gill-breathng animal in the world.The Darp reportedly nests in trees and lives in water. This might explain the many reports of a disusting material falling from trees in the Cities’ core area parks.It appears to fly south for the winter and return in the spring. Homeland Security has been alerted not to freak out when a school of Darps appears on radar screeens when migrating!More to follow!