Dubious, bogus and utterly phony headlines

The following satirical headlines come from the Web site borowitzreport.com:
ANGELINA JOLIE, BONO SIGN MIDEAST PEACE ACCORD; Israel, Hezbollah Not Consulted
BUSH ATTEMPTS TO GIVE KIM JONG IL FULL-BODY MASSAGE; North Korean Madman Recoils in Horror
BUSH NAMES SYRIA, IRAN TO ‘AXIS OF ASSHOLES’; President’s Obscenity-Laden Keynote Address Rocks G-8 Summit
ASTRONAUTS SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETE SUDOKU PUZZLES; Congress Questions Limited Ambition of Discovery’s Mission
BUSH SAYS ROAD MAP TO PEACE IS STILL IN GLOVE COMPARTMENT OF PEACE; But President Acknowledges Difficulty of Unfolding, Refolding Map
BUSH STATES OPPOSITION TO GAY DIVORCE; Constitutional Amendment Would Protect Institution of Traditional Divorce, President Says
IRAN OFFERS TO ABANDON NUCLEAR PROGRAM IN EXCHANGE FOR NORTH KOREA’S NUCLEAR PROGRAM; State Department Taking ‘Close Look’ at Iranian Offer
Posted by Phillip Brownlee

12 Comments

  1. steve
    Posted July 30, 2006 at 11:01 am | Permalink

    Pretty funny stuff.

  2. J M Walker
    Posted July 30, 2006 at 9:02 pm | Permalink

    RUMSFELD ADMITTED TO LOCAL MENTAL HEALTH CLINIC. NO COMMENT FROM WHITE HOUSE.

    Sources close to Rumsfeld, on condition of anonymity, are saying he claimed to be the true Allah, and wanted to run Iran, Iraq and Cleveland.

  3. gster
    Posted July 31, 2006 at 8:46 am | Permalink

    KANSAS BOE TO BECOME NEW SITCOM!!

    ALL ANIMAL CAST BEING GATHERED.J. Fred Muggs to be BOE Prez.Cheetah to be Connie Morris after sex change operation. Actor volunteered for labotomy to maintain realism.” We have an unlimited bananna budget and envision a long run. Sitcom to delve into real issues such as “Do humans really exist?”, ” Why not the chicken and egg at the same time.”, etc.

  4. gster
    Posted July 31, 2006 at 8:55 am | Permalink

    PHIL KLINE TO PROPOSE LEGISLATION MAKING EVOLUTION THE OFFICAL STATE 4 LETTER WORD!!!!

    “I have long felt the need for a State 4 letter word, and what is more appropriate that this vile, despicable word?. The sooner people quit speaking of this, the sooner they will stop thinking about, and we all win.”, Kline stated.

  5. ksfarmgrrl
    Posted July 31, 2006 at 9:12 am | Permalink

    Gster, you go boy!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. Ben Huie
    Posted July 31, 2006 at 9:22 am | Permalink

    GOP PLANS UNIQUE NEW FUNDRAISER:

    Will sell tickets to the next Canfield-Barnett debate. Don King will promote the event.

  7. gster
    Posted July 31, 2006 at 9:31 am | Permalink

    ROLLING STONES TO MARKET ” GEEZER DRAWERS”!!!

    MIckey Lips announced at a recent press conference:” These are for our long-standing elderly fans. When singing along with our concerts, and tryiig to hit those high notes, some lose control of their southern regions and wet themselves or worse! We offer long and short legged garments, and for the high-volume users, a specially reinforced suspender model”

    Unnamed WE bloggers to volunteer for test runs.

  8. gster
    Posted August 1, 2006 at 2:07 pm | Permalink

    KANSAS PRIMARY ELECTION REPORTED MISSING!!!!!

    State Election Commissioner: “I left it on my desk when I went to the bathroom. When I returned, it was gone!!

    Phil Kline: ” I smell a ugly left-wing conspiracy-plot- those guys would do anything to win this election!!”(Off-camera , open-mike): ” Wait a minute- I just described my own party!!”

    ( on-camera):” I will instigate a full investigation!!”

  9. gster
    Posted August 1, 2006 at 2:11 pm | Permalink

    KANSAS PRIMARY ELECTION FOUND!!!!

    KBI: ELECTION FOUND IN REAR POCKET OF THE KEEPER OF THE PLAINS!!!

    ” The election was in an envelope marked with the initials of “K. R.” or “K.H”. Our investigation will continue!” a KBI spokesperson added.

  10. J M Walker
    Posted August 1, 2006 at 2:55 pm | Permalink

    WIZARD OF OZ PLANS ELECTION TEST ON HIS INVERESED DUMERATOR PHALGIOLISTIC VOTING MACHINE. CLAIMS VOTES ARE TALLIED BY THOUGHT PROCESS, WHICH IS TWICE AS ACCURATE AS HAND COUNTING.

    The tin man, aka Phil Kline, says, in his weekly briefs, “I thought so, therefore it must be.”

    The cowardly lioness, aka Connie Morris, claims to have thwarted the machine by not thinking at all. Says Connie, “If I don’t think, then those devil worshiping liberals can’t change my vote.”

  11. gster
    Posted August 1, 2006 at 3:19 pm | Permalink

    PHIL KLINE FALLING BEHIND IN ELECTION RESULTS!!!

    SUDDEN MYSTERIOUS WRITE-IN CANDIDATE “ENY1BU TTPKLINE” IS LEADING CURRENT COUNTING!!

    WRITE-IN IDENTITY UNKNOWN- MORE TO FOLLOW!!

  12. gster
    Posted August 1, 2006 at 3:54 pm | Permalink

    WRANGLERS TO BUY CITY OF WICHITA!!!!

    CITY TO MOVE AT TERMINATION OF CURRENT CONTRACT!!

    THEY NEED US MORE THAN WE NEED THEM SAYS TEAM MANAGER!!

    STARTING PRO-BADMITTON LEAGUE BEING CONSIDERED DURING OFF-SEASON.