The following satirical headlines come from the Web site www.borowitzreport.com:
U.S. MOVES LOU DOBBS TO MEXICAN BORDER; Anchorman to Serve as Barrier to Illegal Immigrants
BUSH ORDERS NATIONAL GUARD TO PROTECT APPROVAL RATING; 10,000 Troops to Prevent Supporters From Leaving Country
NSA REPORTS INCREASED PHONE USAGE ON MOTHER’S DAY; Heightened Levels of Chatter Trouble Intelligence Officials
Posted by Phillip Brownlee
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17 Comments
NSA: WE BELIEVE THAT ALL THE FUSS ABOUT PHONE RECORDS IS EXAGGERATED:
If your didn’t call that number, no problem.
NSA: WE UNDERSTAND, FROM MONITORING YOUR PHONE CALLS, YOU ARE UPSET WITH YOUR PHONE COMPANIES. TRUST US: THEY HAVEN’T GIVEN US ANYTHING.
Wichita Eagle embraces WE bloggers and organizes meetup.
BUSH SENDS 10,000 NATIONAL GUARDSMEN TO THE DESERT BORDER AND ARE SENT TO EMERGENCY ROOMS
Due to a bureaucratic oversight, drinking water is not sent with them.
TRADE DEFICIT IS CURED
Border Patrol and National Guardsmen sell forged green cards at $3000 apiece.
ADMINISTRATION AIDS AMERICAN BLUE-COLLAR WORKERS THROUGH INTERNATIONAL OUT-PLACEMENTS
Today, the Bush administration announced trade agreements with China, India, Vietnam and Malaysia to export 12 million American citizens to work in Asian factories.
HOUSE REPUBLICANS MOVE TO SANCTION CALIFORNIA, ARIZONA, NEW MEXICO AND TEXAS
because these four states allowed Spanish to be spoken 200 years ago, before any English-speaking settlers arrived.
BUSH VISITS ARIZONA BORDERTELLS REPORTERS SHOOTING BIG JACKRABBITS IS AS FUN AS CATCHING 7 POUND PERCH
PRESIDENT OFFERS BOARDER PATROL FINDERS FEES FOR NOTIFYING TEXAS RANGERS’ SCOUTING OFFICE OF GOOD BASEBALL PROSPECTS THEY CAPTURE
PRES. BUSH STOPPED AT BORDER!!
While inspecting the Arizona-Mexico border, the President’s entourage mistakenly entered Mexican territory.While trying to re-enter the USA, the President was stopped at the border, and found not to have proper ID.” I left my ID in my other pants, and they profiled me. This is outrageousical, I’m a bonney fiddo ‘merican. I’m going to demand an domestication to figger this out.”
MEXICANS FINALLY FIGURE OUT THEY LEFT MEXICO BECAUSE THEY HATE MEXICANS. FIND OUT THERE ARE SO MANY MEXICANS LIVING IN UNITED STATES, THEY MOVE TO CANADA TO GET AWAY FROM THEMSELVES.
As a side note, Canadian congress passes law sending 6000 mounties to canadian border, as well as build fence between United States and Canada.
WE EDITORS REALIZE HOW OFFENSIVE VALUES BOY IS TO THEIR READERS
WE EDITORS REPLACE VALUES BOY WITH FRED PHELPS.
They noted it would IMPROVE the balance of their editorial page and bring them in line with seventy percent of kansas values. And they scored points as the fox news of kansas.
In a related note, Terry and Joe called brenda landwehr and asked for hissy fit advise when values boy was dismissed. She gave them a list of recommended swear words, endorsed by dead eye dick cheney.
NSA FOUND BUGGING WHITE HOUSE!
“You can never be too sure” a spokesman replied.
BARNEY DEPORTED!!
” Yeah man, I didn’ have no stinkin’ passport or Green Card, and the Guest Dog Program fell thru. Bummer.”
BUSH CALLS IT QUITS ON CUTTING RANCH BRUSHCiting a painful back, President makes a border trip to recruit immigrants to do the work
MCCAIN TORTURED HIMSELF IN VIET NAM WHICH ULTIMATELY CAUSED HIS PSYCHIATRIC DISORDER:
New SwiftBoat for Truth ads revealed.