Dubious, bogus and utterly phony headlines

The following satirical headlines come from the Web site borowitzreport.com:
BRITNEY SPEARS REPRODUCING AT UNSUSTAINABLE RATE, SCIENTISTS FEAR; Husband’s Troubling Fertility Tops Agenda of Oslo Conference
GORE OFFERS HIMSELF AS ALTERNATIVE TO HILLARY, AMBIEN; Former Veep Offers Voters Quality Sleep With No Side Effects
BIDEN ADMITS COPYING STUMP SPEECH FROM YOUNG ADULT NOVEL; Calls 40 Similar Passages ‘An Honest Mistake’
ZARQAWI VOWS WAR OF BLOOPERS; Urges Followers to Join ‘Jihad of Outtakes’ Against West
WHITE HOUSE SAYS IT IS PREPARED TO BLAME OTHERS FOR BIRD FLU OUTBREAK; Hopes to ‘Hit the Ground Running’ in Blame Game
Posted by Phillip Brownlee

10 Comments

  1. gster
    Posted May 12, 2006 at 9:59 am | Permalink

    PHIL KLEIN RAIDS WEB PARTY AT LOCAL PARK!! ” I NEED TO INVESTIGATE”, PHEARLESS PHIL STATES. ” THAT POTATO SALAD MIGHT BE SPIKED WITH GOD KNOWS WHAT!!. THIS IS FOR THE GOOD OF EVERYONE IN THE STATE OF KANSAS.”

  2. gster
    Posted May 12, 2006 at 10:17 am | Permalink

    PHIL KELEIN ARRESTED FOR SKINNY-DIPING IN THE ARKANSAS RIVER. ”

    ALL I REMEMBER IS SOMETHING ABOUT TASTING POTATO SALAD, AND THEN EVERYTHING WENT BLANK. I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SWIM!! THIS HAS TO BO SOME KIND OF A SETUP”

  3. Julie
    Posted May 12, 2006 at 10:24 am | Permalink

    At least it wasn’t the brownies that made him loopy!:)

  4. gster
    Posted May 12, 2006 at 10:34 am | Permalink

    KLEIN COPS A PLEA– GOES FOR DIVERSION PROGRAM!!” I’M NOT A BAD EGG, JUST POTATO-INTOLERANT. I KEEP SEEING VISIONS OF A SHELTER-LIKE STRUCTURE AND PEOPLE YELLING AT ME TO “GO FOR IT”. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN??

  5. LeftHook
    Posted May 12, 2006 at 11:05 am | Permalink

    PRETTY FISHY–Bush Claims He Caught a 7 Pound Perch–World Record is only 4 Pounds

    Pres Spokesman says, “he lies just to keep in practice”

  6. Brian
    Posted May 12, 2006 at 3:21 pm | Permalink

    CONGRESSIONAL INVESTIGATION OF ABRAMOFF CONTINUES. COMMITTEE PROBES ETHICAL STANDARDS OF ACCUSED WITH HYPOTHETICAL SCENARIOS.

    “Mr. DeLay, if Jack helped you off a horse, would you feel obliged to help Jack off a horse?”

  7. gster
    Posted May 12, 2006 at 3:32 pm | Permalink

    BIG SHAKEUP AT ETHICS COMMITTEE!CHAIRMAN TO CHAIR 2: ” I DON’T HAVE THE ETHICS, I GAVE THEM TO YOU!”CHAIR 2: ” I DON’T HAVE THEM , I THOUGHT I GAVE THEM BACK TO YOU.”CHAIRMAN: “CHAIR 3, WHERE THE HELL ARE THOSE ETHICS? PEOPLE ARE BEGINNING TO WONDER.”CHAIR 3: ” SAY WHAT?” ( TO HIS AID: WHAT’S AN ETHIC?)CHAIRMAN: ” WE’LL VOTE ON THAT AFTER THE NEXT RECESS.:

  8. Ed Friedemann
    Posted May 12, 2006 at 4:50 pm | Permalink

    GOP AFRAID TO STAGE “TERRORIST” ATTACK…………… FEAR PEOPLE WILL RETALIATE.

  9. Ed Friedemann
    Posted May 12, 2006 at 4:59 pm | Permalink

    ZIONIST-JEWS FEAR THEY ARE RUNNING OUT OF SYMPATHY

    JEWS GO ON HUNGER-STRIKE…GIVE FOOD TO PALESTINIANS

  10. flike
    Posted May 12, 2006 at 7:02 pm | Permalink

    Pretty funny, Brian. Jack off a horse indeed, if it’d help him kill off the Democrat party.