Dubious, bogus and utterly phony New Year’s headlines

The following satirical headlines come from BorowitzReport.com:
CIA TO MONITOR NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS; Hopes to Decipher Threats in Yearly Promises
FORMER FEMA CHIEF VOWS TO MAKE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS BY MARCH 1; Michael Brown Apologizes for Delay
PARIS HILTON RESOLVES TO BE EVEN SLUTTIER IN ‘06; Hotel Heiress Setting Bar Impossibly High, Experts Say
Posted by Phillip Brownlee

14 Comments

  1. J M Walker
    Posted January 6, 2006 at 6:49 am | Permalink

    Don Corleone rises from his mythical grave and gives Abramoff a pair of cement boots for Christmas.

  2. TRACY
    Posted January 6, 2006 at 6:55 am | Permalink

    INDIAN TRIBE PROUDLY DISPLAYS ABRAMOFF’S SCALP!!!!

  3. Ray Thomas
    Posted January 6, 2006 at 7:08 am | Permalink

    TERRY FOX CAUGHT IN ADULT BOOK STORE. Claims was ‘researching’ material.

    CHRISTIANS PROTEST TELEVISION, KSN CLOSES DOWN.

  4. writerdog
    Posted January 6, 2006 at 7:24 am | Permalink

    CONGRESS CUT DEFENSE FUNDING BILL.Money needed for second bridge to nowhere in Alaska spokesman said

  5. Rage
    Posted January 6, 2006 at 8:24 am | Permalink

    FACING RENEWED CRITICISMS, BROWN EXPLAINS HE WAS ACTUALLY APOLOGIZING FOR TOM DELAY

  6. Rage
    Posted January 6, 2006 at 8:25 am | Permalink

    GRATEFUL PUBLIC THANKS KSN FOR PROTECTING IT FROM ITS TELEVISIONS

  7. Damoon
    Posted January 6, 2006 at 8:26 am | Permalink

    FOX FORCED TO DROP JERRY SPRINGER SHOW

    In an effort to be more inclusive, the Rev Terry Fox and followers have change of heart re “Book of Daniel” and decide to target TV shows that are truly offensive to Christians and also the rest of the world.

  8. Jed
    Posted January 6, 2006 at 11:31 am | Permalink

    Oklahoma Anti-Gay Preacher Arrested for Soliciting Male Undercover Cop.(Oops, that was a real one!)

  9. Joe Blow
    Posted January 6, 2006 at 1:13 pm | Permalink

    “We Were Duped:” Eagle Apologizes for Mirecki “Beating” Story.

  10. Rage
    Posted January 6, 2006 at 10:36 pm | Permalink

    PAUL MIRECKI APOLOGIZES FOR BEATING HIMSELF UP”Hey, that chipped tooth really fooled ya, huh?”

  11. Rage
    Posted January 6, 2006 at 11:01 pm | Permalink

    HENRY KISSINGER SKIPS TOWN TO ESCAPE SUMMONS ON ‘OPERATION CONDOR’(Whoops, that’s a real one, too!)

  12. writerdog
    Posted January 7, 2006 at 8:14 am | Permalink

    FOX ANNOUNCES THAT IMMANUEL YOUTH GROUP WILL PUT OUT A CALENDAR FOR CHARITY TOO!Like the youth group in Germany that posed nude for a Bible calendar.Pastor Fox said today his youth group will make a calender too.But they will be wearing suits of armor and beating a non-believer to death with a baseball bat. “It was to a gay, but they seem to run everytime they see me these days!”.

  13. writerdog
    Posted January 7, 2006 at 8:19 am | Permalink

    THE REV. FRED PHELPS AND REV. TERRY FOX WILL JOIN CHURCHES.“There just is not enough media in Kansas to have two separate churches in this state”A spokesman said.

  14. Falcone
    Posted January 7, 2006 at 12:47 pm | Permalink

    DELAY STEPS DOWN VOLUNTARILY FROM LEADERSHIP POST. BLODDY CLAW MARKS FOUND LEADING OUT OF HIS OFFICE.