Dubious, bogus and utterly phony headlines

The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com:

RUMSFELD: WAR IN IRAQ GOING WELL ON EARTH II; Reports Significant Process in Parallel Universe

CONDI PROMISES WORLD: NO SEQUELS TO ‘DUKES OF HAZZARD’; Confronts Worries On European Trip

GOVERNMENT TO ISSUE SMALL SHARP OBJECTS TO ALL AIRLINE PASSENGERS; Small Scissors, Screwdrivers to Be Mandatory on All Domestic Flights

CHENEY RECEIVES FACE TRANSPLANT, NOW HAS THREE FACES; Unveils Newest Face on NBC’s “Meet the Press”

BUSH CALLS ‘PLAN FOR VICTORY’ SLOGAN A SUCCESS; Vows to Create Additional Slogans to Defeat Insurgents

Posted by Phillip Brownlee

13 Comments

  1. Brian
    Posted December 9, 2005 at 3:30 am | Permalink

    NEW “CHRISTIAN” FASHION STATEMENT SWEEPS THE NATION – A RETURN TO 17th CENTURY PURITAN CLOTHING!!

    “Christian” Dior makes marketing history.

  2. Joe Blow
    Posted December 9, 2005 at 5:59 am | Permalink

    Randy Scholfielf Apologizes to Altevogt for His Silly Editorial

  3. Brian
    Posted December 9, 2005 at 6:49 am | Permalink

    NEW GOSPEL MANUSCRIPT UNEARTHED! UNKNOWN 11th BEATITUDE REVEALS NEW ASPECT OF CHRISTIANITY!

    Blessed are the enforcers for they shall be called the ‘hammers of God’. To them shall be given the power to beat into submission the misguided.

  4. Ed Friedemann
    Posted December 9, 2005 at 8:26 am | Permalink

    Australians offer Outback to IsraelAborigines Declare War

  5. XXX
    Posted December 9, 2005 at 11:43 am | Permalink

    wICHITA EAGLE SUED FOR VIOLATING FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHTS OF BLOGGERS

  6. Rev Cain
    Posted December 9, 2005 at 12:02 pm | Permalink

    KANSAS SCHOOLS COURT ORDERED TO TEACK RELIGIOUS FACTS! THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT – IS NEITHER!

  7. Outlander
    Posted December 9, 2005 at 6:33 pm | Permalink

    KU RELIGION PROFESSOR OK AFTER BEING HIT BY BRICK.

    Foul play ruled out after it was determined that Dr. Mircki had wandered in during Jayhawk basketball practice.

  8. CF
    Posted December 10, 2005 at 8:39 am | Permalink

    JOE BLOW DISPLAYS KNOWLEDGE OF GRAMMAR!

  9. Dick VP USA
    Posted December 10, 2005 at 8:18 pm | Permalink

    PENTAGON DECIDES TO ARM CHINA – ONLY NATION ABLE TO AFFORD DEFENSE!

    USA DECIDES TO TAX HOMELESS!

    BUSH – BUILD MORE PRISONS – IT HELPS THE ECONOMY!

    BUSH ADMINISTRATION – “WHO CARES IF IRAN AND KOREA HAVE LOTS OF NUKES – WE JUST WANT TO HANG SADDAM”!

  10. somebody
    Posted December 12, 2005 at 11:38 pm | Permalink

    Ian,Your degree of sophmoric stupidity is hard to describe. May Fred Phelps protest your funeral. That would be better than you deserve.

  11. Brian
    Posted December 13, 2005 at 6:08 am | Permalink

    Somebody,

    Don’t forget that Ian is a magnificent example of white, Christian, hispanic manhood(by his own statements). Doesn’t say much for white, Christian, hispanic manhood, does it?

  12. Brian
    Posted December 13, 2005 at 6:38 pm | Permalink

    Ian,

    Note that all the groups you mention have Spanish blood as a common denominator. So, apparently you become “hispanic” when you mix Spanish white blood with these others. So, therefore, “hispanic” comes from Spanish blood. No matter how much you deny it, YOU and YOUR Spanish brethren are the source of the problems you groan about. You seem to be saying the Spanish are the ethnic equivalent of typhoid Mary… they spread “hispanicism” everywhere they go without “infecting” themselves. LOLOLOL

  13. Lyn
    Posted December 16, 2005 at 5:13 pm | Permalink

    Always enjoy the Eagle’s headline humor. I’ve got some real headlines with humorous captions (and contest) at Bloggin’ Outloud.