Porter Goss’ excellent adventures

Intelligence chief Porter Goss recently told Time magazine that he has an “excellent idea” where Osama bin Laden is. “What’s the next question?” he then asked.
Well, the next question is: What are we waiting for? Get out there and catch him, for crying out loud.
Posted by Randy Scholfield

4 Comments

  1. E. Ireland
    Posted June 22, 2005 at 3:07 am | Permalink

    WASHINGTON – August 22, 2005

    This is the hottest day on record in Washington, DC. The beltway has been abuzz with rumors ever since the White House announced a press conference for this afternoon at 5:00 pm, after the markets and all the “late trading” of stocks and cattle futures would be closed for the day.

    Everyone expected an economic message, perhaps even an announcement about global warming, but it turned out to be the blockbuster of the new century. Bush had finally captured Osama bin Laden.

    All the usual suspects were decrying how long it took his troops to ferret him out of the labyrinthine caves of the incomparably rugged Hindu Kush.

    “I could have done it six years ago with a bottle of fine Sherry and a negotiating table at Shangri La” ranted a former democratic presidential candidate whose name we forget. “Hey,” said the other senator from the same state, “I coulda done it with a bottle of some of that fine bourbon distilled in Muree, Pakistan. No, no — don’t try to tell me about Muslims being teetotalers. They make some of the finest liquor in the world. My daddy would’ve imported it if Prohibition were still around.”

    These razor-sharp complaints fell on deaf ears, however, and were ignored by the right wing media lapdogs when Bush dramatically unveiled bin Laden’s head on a platter. Before anyone could complain too loudly about how insensitive that was to Middle Eastern sensibilities, Mr. Bush explained that they had used Zarqawi’s knife to sever the head. A nice touch that everyone agreed was sure to please Al Jazeera. The question of how they got Zarqawi’s knife went unanswered by the weenie holding the microphone wires for the media broadcast truck, obviously another secretive administrative insider.

    At the news conference, reporters pointedly asked Mr. Bush: “We all expected you to produce bin Laden during the last election. If you had him, why didn’t you show him then?

    Bush – “We didn’t have him then.”

    Reporter — “Then why didn’t you save him until the 2006 election?”

    Bush – “That ain’t how it works. Besides, you see how hot it is. He was starting to stink. It’s time to move onto another chapter of anti-terrorism.”

    Reporter – “What would that be, Mr. President.?”

    Bush – “I’ve hired Randy Scholfield as the Secretary of Defense. Time to see whether a good old shoe from Kansas can get rid of the rest of these terrorists without aggravating the whole world. If he can’t do it then it can’t be done, not that the world liked us all that much before this terror stuff happened, anyway; but memories of all that are short.”

    Reporter — ”Ummm, begging your forgiveness, sir, but some of us have been wondering what took you so long to change your mind.”

    Bush – “Change my mind? What do you think a president is — omniscient, perfect, always ready with answers to please everybody now and forever? What barn you been sleeping behind, boy? We’ve got piles of contingency plans around here; and sure, I have a few options’ but ain’t none of ‘em as good as you’d hope. Hell, no, I haven’t changed my mind. It’s just that Randy is our last hope, so I’m trying him last.”

    Reporter – “We’re sure that Randy will be pleased by your ringing endorsement.”

    Bush – “I hear he has a great sense of humor. That’ll be mighty important.”

  2. Roo
    Posted June 22, 2005 at 6:32 am | Permalink

    Well, didn’t Bush himself make a slip about Osama not being one of his priorities anymore. I don’t blame him, though. Dealing with this mess in Iraq would be more pressing to our national security and prestige, not to mention our credibility as a superpower and the leader of the free world.

  3. Nicki
    Posted June 22, 2005 at 11:14 am | Permalink

    I personally like that our reasoning for not going in to get him is that we have to respect the “national sovereignity” of other nations. Yeah, this administration really respects national sovereignity! Wasn’t Iraq a sovereign nation? Whatever, it’s a d*@% joke! If Osama is caught then Bush won’t have any Boogeyman to scare us with, unless of course he funds and trains and new one….it’s pathetic. We said we wanted him dead or alive and now it’s “I don’t spend a lot of time on it”. It kind of makes you wonder if there isn’t something more sinister afoot. Maybe the reason they don’t want to catch Bin Ladin is that he will tell what really went on…just a thought, I’ll put away my tinfoil hat : )

  4. RD
    Posted June 23, 2005 at 11:32 am | Permalink

    I’m wondering how GW will explain to the Bin Laden family, the near and dear friends of the Bush family, why he didn’t continue to let Osama run free, once Osama is in custody. Could it be that GW has a soft spot for a man who has to endure dragging a dialysis machine around and visiting Pakistani hospitals?

    Besides, everyone knows that Bin Laden is living in Dick and Lynn Cheney’s basement, right? (That’s tongue-in-cheek humor, by the way.)