This week’s participants, defending champion Yosh and a challenger who goes by the name of Slumpbuster, were asked to take the best qualities of past and current Wildcats and construct the ultimate K-State baller.

A little out there, I know, but the contestants were game. Judge for yourself, and don’t forget to vote. “Polls” close Monday afternoon…

SLUMPBUSTER

Since we’re getting all “sci-fi” and everything with this week’s Forum Friday, I thought I’d comprise my perfect K-State basketball player only with dudes from the 21st century (yeah, that’s 2000 and beyond). So sorry, Manny Dies and Dax Jones.

This is a player who, you know, can compete at the highest level. I don’t care what the nation or anyone who hasn’t met this player thinks of him, because you know, unless you’ve shaken his hand, you don’t know him. He will flat-out compete, you know, in the best conference in America. He’s truly a phenomenal player. He also hates KU, you know.

The perfect K-State basketball player would have: the ability to make Psycho T his b#$%# of Mike Beasley, the forehead of Lucky Joe Leonard, the end-of-game intelligence of Pervis Pasco, the headband of Bill Walker, the baby-fro of Jeremiah Massey, the neck of Jason Bennett, the inked-up arms of Matt Sieeeeeeeeebrant, the gap-tooth of Gilson DeJesus, the lungs of Marques Hayden (puff, puff give!), the good looks of Ivan Sulic, the bladder of Bill Walker, the hops of Dramane Diarra, ugh, Tyler Hughes, ugh, Travis Canby, ugh, I mean Blake Young, the “marksmanship” of Carlton Dotson (crap, wrong school… Never mind), the freakin’ guns of Galen Morrison, and the ability to take a verbal beating like Jake Pullen.

And what’s a player without a coach? Let’s take the best thing about each of the previous four and make the ultimate K-State coach. How about Wooly’s neck brace, Huggy’s blackjack dealer suit he swiped from Harrah’s in Topeka (see KU game 2007), the sometimes offensive vocabulary of Frank Martin, and of course, the ASSbury tan.

YOSH

“A new species would bless me as its creator and source; many happy and excellent natures would owe their being to me.” — Victor Frankenstein

Well, not exactly. The Frankenstein monster did not turn out to be the ideal new species that Victor Frankenstein had envisioned. While he possessed great physical strength and intelligence (no, he wasn’t the monosyllabic grunting stiff portrayed in film and comic book lore), he was shunned and feared by mankind. Soon, his self-loathing turned him from a potential superior being into a murderous, self-loathing monster. And so it will be with our K-State basketball monster. Feared and misunderstood, he will be targeted by Big 12 players and fans alike. They will storm the Bram with pitchforks and torches, but this will only anger the beast. Opponents and rims will feel his vengeance alike.

Size: We’ll start our monster with the size of former five-star prospect turned Florida community college reserve Jason Bennett. Jason was the tallest man ever to put on a KSU uniform at 7’3”. While virtually useless in all other phases of the game, Bennett set the single-game shot block record last season. If it weren’t for homesickness (awww) and a severe allergy to books and classrooms, he may have set many more records.

Hands: Micheal Beasley. Honestly, when J-Mart first sent out this assignment, I considered just e-mailing him a picture of B-Easy. That may have actually won. I guess my love for my own ramblings won out. Mike’s hands are the difference between him being just an exceptional basketball player and perhaps the best to ever wear purple. If you shot a dozen eggs out of a cannon, he could catch six in each hand without so much as a hairline crack in the shells.

Shot: Prior to the three-point line, there was a Wildcat who shot from way outside, simply because, to him, it was no different than a lay-up. Mike Evans scored 2,115 points in his time at K-State. Had he played in today’s age, you could tack on another thousand.

Legs: Have you ever really looked at Bill Walker’s legs? His calves look like bowling balls were implanted into his legs. Our 7-foot-3 monster will be able to dunk over the top of the backboard.

Grit, “try hardness”, intense eyes and ability to win without Ty Lawson: Tyler Hansbrough. Okay, so he’s not a K-Stater, but you simply can’t create the ultimate basketball player without these traits. On a side note: if I were an AP voter, my vote for the No. 1 team would go to Kentucky. Sure, I freely admit that Memphis is better, and more talented, but look how hard Kentucky tries every game! Did you see what they did without Patrick Patterson?

Defensive mentality: Rolando Blackman. Ro got a lot of credit for his offense. People forget that he was a lockdown defender. He understood how to use his length and move his feet. Of course, his coach would accept nothing less.

Scoring mentality: As Michael Jordan grew older; he modified his game so he wouldn’t have to rely on his athleticism to score. He improved his shooting range, developed an array of interior post moves and added the fadeaway shot from the high post. Mitch Richmond was the model for this new style. The guy, who Michael Jordan claimed, was the toughest player he ever had to guard. Enough said.

Ballhandling: All-time assist leader Steve Henson. The last K-State player drafted into the NBA… for another few months, anyway.

BBIQ: That stands for Basketball Intelligence Quotient for those that don’t spend countless hours on fan message boards — losers. Did you know Lon Kruger played for K-State prior to being a coach?

As a final touch, I would put a dash of Bill Walker’s mean streak. He takes a lot of crap from fans and media, but I want some of that in my ultimate player. I am, after all creating a monster here. The original Frankenstein monster said:

“There was none among the myriads of men that existed who would pity or assist me; and should I feel kindness towards my enemies? No: from that moment I declared everlasting war against the species…”

So may the enemies of K-State basketball prepare for everlasting war. Our creation is big, he is talented, he is purple and he is a murderous self-loathing monster.

And we only have two contestants this week. The third apparently didn’t check his e-mail.

Anything was a go, but with one caveat – no gratuitous use of the phrase “you know.” But I let it slide once in one case.

Be warned — the defending champ, Wildcat Legend, brought it this week. Interesting approach, and we’ll see how it’s received. His challengers, Yosh and Simpson Sampson, have fascinating takes as well, and I must admit — I laughed several times. But this isn’t about me — it’s about you. Vote on which was most effective, most realistic — whatever. Vote on what moved you. Vote on what you found most interesting. Vote for what you liked. But vote — Wildcat Legend is gunning for a third consecutive week.

If you’re interested in next week’s competition — and here’s a hint on the topic: it will probably have something to do with the Big 12 Tournament — and beyond, drop me a line below or at jmartin@wichitaeagle.com with “Forum Friday, please” in the subject header.

Here are this week’s entries:

SIMPSON SAMPSON

Mike. Come in. Sit down for a second, son. I need to talk to you about the NBA. I know we have been busy lately and all, I mean, with the Big 12 Tourney Championship, you being named National POY, and the improbable run to the Final Four culminating in a blowout victory over UNC, but I need to know your plans for the future. I would love nothing more than for you to stay for another year and attempt a repeat. But I have Wesley Witherspoon on hold and I need to know if I have a scholarship available. Thank God Bill came to his senses and decided to stay. He had NBDL written all over him…

Anyway, Mike, I am not going to lie to you. You are going to be selected No. 1 overall in the NBA draft if you declare. That’s about $14 million guaranteed over three years. You are going to get a shoe deal for a few more million. You can sell your soul to McDonald’s for a few more, I’m sure. What I am trying to say Mike is – you would be an idiot to turn that scrilla down. You gotta go. Any rational person would. You have nothing left here to prove, you know (J-MART NOTE: I’ll allow it) with the MVP of the Final Four and cutting down the nets and all. Let me give you some rules to live by that may help your transition if you do decide to leave:

1. Lenny Bias Rule – Don’t do drugs. Bias could have been MJ but with street cred.
2. Shawn Kemp Rule - Don’t be silly, wrap your willy. He listened to too much ODB.
3. Jason “Jay” Williams Rule - Don’t buy a motorcycle. Just not a good idea.
4. Darius Miles/Zac Randolph Rule – Don’t hang around strippers (after hours), Darius Miles, or Zac Randolph. You are worth 15 million dollars – get the strippers to come to your house.
5. Kwame Brown Rule – Don’t be a p#$$^. Just don’t.
6. Sam Bowie Rule – Don’t end up being Sam Bowie. Please, oh please, don’t be Derrick Coleman, either.
7. MC Hammer Rule - Keep the posse to a minimum. And no parachute pants.

Follow these rules, Mike, and you will be OK. You have been good to K-State. You’ve been good to this program. Hell, you got me my job, so you know I love you.

The only way people at K-State will begrudge you is if you go pro early and blow it. So do not be a knucklehead.

Now go enjoy the celebration down in the ‘Ville and think about it. I have a meeting with A.D. Snyder to iron out the terms of a new contract. They say I may get Dalonte-type money.

YOSH

Well, Mike, it’s been a heckuva year, hasn’t it?

Beas: Sure has, coach.

Now you’ve got some tough decisions to make. There will be people coming at you from all directions telling you what do, and a lot of them will have ulterior motives in mind. I’m going to be as straight with you as possible, and let you know what I believe to be in your best interest.

Beas: Sounds good, coach.

First of all, as an individual, you have nothing more to prove in college basketball. You’re a first team All-American, the national player of the year and you’ve broken too many individual records for me to list. On top of that, I’m not sure you can improve anymore as a college player. Don’t get me wrong, there are some gaps in your game… Very, very small gaps, but room for improvement all the same. The problem is, the competition at the college level isn’t strong enough to force that improvement. The guys you face just aren’t good enough to take your game to the next level.

Beas: So you’re saying I get buckets?

As for any sense of loyalty or responsibility to the school, fans or community, don’t let that sway your decision. Your presence in this program, even for one brief season, has energized this community and brought hope to a once proud program. These people will stand behind you, no matter what. They know you will continue to bring pride and honor to K-State basketball after you are gone.

Beas: That’s real nice to hear, coach.

Financially, it’s a no-brainer. There isn’t an analyst, scout or general manager that I have spoken to who doesn’t list you as the No. 1 pick. That’s going to be worth $12 million alone. Of course, with your fun-loving personality and charming smile, you stand to earn five times that in endorsements alone.

Beas: That jack could buy a lot of I-Pods.

As for the rest of the team, don’t worry about us. We’ll be fine. I’m sure Dave will come back healthy with an extra year…. And Bill might stick around… And even if they don’t come back, we’ll still be fine…. I mean… We could be fine. Of course, I don’t have any recruits signed for next season… Which could be bad… Real bad…

Beas: Coach?

Then again, if Dave and Bill are back, with you and Jake and Denis… We should be tops in the conference! That team is Final Four caliber! We could win it all… In just my second season! That would show that Bob Lutz a thing or two! Lutz and that Whitlock think they are so damn smart! “Questionable character?” “High school coach?” Smug sons of —

Beas: Coach !?!

OH GOD, Mike, you gotta stay! Just one more season, please!

Beas: Coach, let go of my Sponge Bob suitcase.

I’ve got reinforcements coming in ’09 – just help me bridge the gap! We’re in position to do amazing things next season! Please!

Beas: This is embarrassing.

WILDCAT LEGEND

As Frank Martin, I would creatively capture his imagination:

Well Mike, here we are, it’s the end of the season,
We should talk about your future plans, jot down some reasons-
For you to stay in school or pack your bags and go,
Let’s take a peek into the life of an NBA pro:

The biggest change will immediately take place,
You will get millions and millions shoved in your face;
You will be able to buy scores of houses, a fleet of cars, and diamonds galore,
Your family won’t have to worry about finances anymore;
You’ll move to a big city, something that will dwarf the Little Apple,
You’ll have some fans, more fame, and responsibility to grapple;
The NBA is big-time money and business and contracts,
There’s a lot to deal with for a self-proclaimed Sponge Bob addict;
Games will be subdued with fans sitting on their hands,
You will be viewed as a product, a conduit to a grand marketing plan;
Are you ready for a whirlwind of change?
Or are you comfortable, now, with life on the Plains?

Staying another year in college has its upside, too,
You could be a trendsetter, a trailblazer, a role model for youth;
Think of the statement you could make by staying another year,
You could shift this Wildcat revival to a whole different gear;
Come back and play and compete for a conference crown,
We could make a splash in the Big Dance… We’d be tough to take down;
You could shatter more records and lead us to more victories,
Another year would turn the stomachs of KU and Misery;
The nation would feel a rousing rumble from the Midwest,
The rumble of purple people will feel like a frenzied protest;
This is your chance, Mike, to leave a legacy beyond compare,
The NBA will always be there, but college ball is gone if you declare;
Our team will be faster, stronger, better at everything,
Stay another year and we have a shot at some rings.

The decision is yours, there’s a lot to weigh,
Stay at K-State or go to the NBA?
Whatever you decide, we will support you 100 percent,
Our team will back you and your fans will consent;
Not many people have the chance to play with D-Wade and the Heat,
Although, not many players have the chance to become collegiate elite;
It’s time to wreak havoc and hang some banners in ‘09,
It’s time to strive to play in the biggest game on Monday’s biggest night…