K-Stated

Basketball player.

This week’s participants, defending champion Yosh and a challenger who goes by the name of Slumpbuster, were asked to take the best qualities of past and current Wildcats and construct the ultimate K-State baller.

A little out there, I know, but the contestants were game. Judge for yourself, and don’t forget to vote. “Polls” close Monday afternoon…

SLUMPBUSTER

Since we’re getting all “sci-fi” and everything with this week’s Forum Friday, I thought I’d comprise my perfect K-State basketball player only with dudes from the 21st century (yeah, that’s 2000 and beyond). So sorry, Manny Dies and Dax Jones.

This is a player who, you know, can compete at the highest level. I don’t care what the nation or anyone who hasn’t met this player thinks of him, because you know, unless you’ve shaken his hand, you don’t know him. He will flat-out compete, you know, in the best conference in America. He’s truly a phenomenal player. He also hates KU, you know.

The perfect K-State basketball player would have: the ability to make Psycho T his b#$%# of Mike Beasley, the forehead of Lucky Joe Leonard, the end-of-game intelligence of Pervis Pasco, the headband of Bill Walker, the baby-fro of Jeremiah Massey, the neck of Jason Bennett, the inked-up arms of Matt Sieeeeeeeeebrant, the gap-tooth of Gilson DeJesus, the lungs of Marques Hayden (puff, puff give!), the good looks of Ivan Sulic, the bladder of Bill Walker, the hops of Dramane Diarra, ugh, Tyler Hughes, ugh, Travis Canby, ugh, I mean Blake Young, the “marksmanship” of Carlton Dotson (crap, wrong school… Never mind), the freakin’ guns of Galen Morrison, and the ability to take a verbal beating like Jake Pullen.

And what’s a player without a coach? Let’s take the best thing about each of the previous four and make the ultimate K-State coach. How about Wooly’s neck brace, Huggy’s blackjack dealer suit he swiped from Harrah’s in Topeka (see KU game 2007), the sometimes offensive vocabulary of Frank Martin, and of course, the ASSbury tan.

YOSH

“A new species would bless me as its creator and source; many happy and excellent natures would owe their being to me.” — Victor Frankenstein

Well, not exactly. The Frankenstein monster did not turn out to be the ideal new species that Victor Frankenstein had envisioned. While he possessed great physical strength and intelligence (no, he wasn’t the monosyllabic grunting stiff portrayed in film and comic book lore), he was shunned and feared by mankind. Soon, his self-loathing turned him from a potential superior being into a murderous, self-loathing monster. And so it will be with our K-State basketball monster. Feared and misunderstood, he will be targeted by Big 12 players and fans alike. They will storm the Bram with pitchforks and torches, but this will only anger the beast. Opponents and rims will feel his vengeance alike.

Size: We’ll start our monster with the size of former five-star prospect turned Florida community college reserve Jason Bennett. Jason was the tallest man ever to put on a KSU uniform at 7’3”. While virtually useless in all other phases of the game, Bennett set the single-game shot block record last season. If it weren’t for homesickness (awww) and a severe allergy to books and classrooms, he may have set many more records.

Hands: Micheal Beasley. Honestly, when J-Mart first sent out this assignment, I considered just e-mailing him a picture of B-Easy. That may have actually won. I guess my love for my own ramblings won out. Mike’s hands are the difference between him being just an exceptional basketball player and perhaps the best to ever wear purple. If you shot a dozen eggs out of a cannon, he could catch six in each hand without so much as a hairline crack in the shells.

Shot: Prior to the three-point line, there was a Wildcat who shot from way outside, simply because, to him, it was no different than a lay-up. Mike Evans scored 2,115 points in his time at K-State. Had he played in today’s age, you could tack on another thousand.

Legs: Have you ever really looked at Bill Walker’s legs? His calves look like bowling balls were implanted into his legs. Our 7-foot-3 monster will be able to dunk over the top of the backboard.

Grit, “try hardness”, intense eyes and ability to win without Ty Lawson: Tyler Hansbrough. Okay, so he’s not a K-Stater, but you simply can’t create the ultimate basketball player without these traits. On a side note: if I were an AP voter, my vote for the No. 1 team would go to Kentucky. Sure, I freely admit that Memphis is better, and more talented, but look how hard Kentucky tries every game! Did you see what they did without Patrick Patterson?

Defensive mentality: Rolando Blackman. Ro got a lot of credit for his offense. People forget that he was a lockdown defender. He understood how to use his length and move his feet. Of course, his coach would accept nothing less.

Scoring mentality: As Michael Jordan grew older; he modified his game so he wouldn’t have to rely on his athleticism to score. He improved his shooting range, developed an array of interior post moves and added the fadeaway shot from the high post. Mitch Richmond was the model for this new style. The guy, who Michael Jordan claimed, was the toughest player he ever had to guard. Enough said.

Ballhandling: All-time assist leader Steve Henson. The last K-State player drafted into the NBA… for another few months, anyway.

BBIQ: That stands for Basketball Intelligence Quotient for those that don’t spend countless hours on fan message boards — losers. Did you know Lon Kruger played for K-State prior to being a coach?

As a final touch, I would put a dash of Bill Walker’s mean streak. He takes a lot of crap from fans and media, but I want some of that in my ultimate player. I am, after all creating a monster here. The original Frankenstein monster said:

“There was none among the myriads of men that existed who would pity or assist me; and should I feel kindness towards my enemies? No: from that moment I declared everlasting war against the species…”

So may the enemies of K-State basketball prepare for everlasting war. Our creation is big, he is talented, he is purple and he is a murderous self-loathing monster.