Idol Thoughts

…it’s Cooked.

Okay, so I realize that we still have four-plus weeks left in this season of “American Idol,” but I feel comfortable to go on the record with this:

If David Cook does not win, the show is definitely fixed.

I’m sorry, but who else has been more consistent than Cook? Every week, he delivers a wow performance. And if it’s a little short of wow, it’s just a few degrees south of excellent.

His competitors aren’t even in the same league. Jason is lovable but seemed to quit trying three weeks ago. Brooke is beautiful and talented but lost any semblance of confidence three weeks ago. Syesha is fine but dull. Archuleta is a friggin robot.

In her one single, solitary moment of clarity on Tuesday’s show, Paula actually summed it all up when she told David, “I feel like I’m already looking at the next ‘American Idol.’”

Of course, Paula might have thought she was talking to the other David. Or Chikeze.

Rant over. Let’s get to Neil Diamond night.

I must just state for the record that I love Neil Diamond with a fervor that makes my Andrew Lloyd Weber and Dolly Parton obsessions seem mild. The “Jazz Singer” soundtrack has been in my possession since the 1980s, and I just listened to a song or two on my iPod today.

Still, for the most part, Neil makes for pretty awkward “Idol” material.

David Cook’s “All I Really Need is You” was the only song without a single cringe-worthy moment. He really did make that song seem current, and just to prove I thunk it before the judges did, I scribbled it in my notepad as quickly as I could.

Even though she still has a long road back to excellent, I did like Brooke’s “I Am, I Said,” despite the fact that Arizona has no shores I can detect. Maybe lake shores? I can forgive that, though, because it was the first performance in weeks where I wasn’t worried she’d stop and vomit right on stage. Which is an urge I felt during her “I’m A Believer.” Gotta agree with Simon. Nightmare.

You know I love Jason, but seriously, is he even trying anymore? Has he decided he’ll get through just by sparkling his sparkly sparklers at the camera? Well, he might just. But I still think he should attempt something slightly different. That said, “Forever in Blue Jeans” was way better than “September Morn.”

I kinda liked Syesha’s “Hello” (though we all knew she’d pick that one, didn’t we Monica?) But her “Thank The Lord for the Nighttime” was unconvincing enough to make me forget she’d even said “Hello.”

And as for Archuleta… well, after this week, I feel 99.9 percent certain that those judges have been instructed by the men who sign their paychecks to never criticize him. Why? I’m not entirely sure. But how else can you explain the fact that he drones his way through song after identical song, and all the judges every say to him is, “SOLID AS USUAL!” Even Jason’s worst moment on Tuesday was 10 times more genuine than David’s best.

Sadly, I think he’ll be in the final with David Cook. A David-David final. And if the wrong one wins, I say we all join in eternal protest.

So what did you think? Who was the best? Who was the worst? Whose turn is it to go? And most important, are there some taping tricks going on the viewing audience isn’t privy to, or was Paula really so stoned that she thought Jason had already sung twice???

At the risk of coming across as a hard-to-please music snob, I have another admission to make. I’ve never met a Mariah Carey song I couldn’t hate.

My feelings about Mariah have really never wavered. Where I’m indifferent toward The Beatles, I go out of my way to avoid Mimi. She’s always annoyed me. Too bouncy. Too frizzy. Too many notes that only my dog can hear.

But after tonight, I’m ready to reconsider. Not only did Mariah come across as genuine, warm and talented, but her songs interpreted through some of my favorite “Idols” were actually sort of… rockin!

I don’t need to tell you whose performance most swayed me. David Cook was a little off last week, but he was truly amazing tonight. His version of “Always Be My Baby” was, as Paula put it in a rare moment of lucidity, movie soundtrack-ready. Who besides David could take song whose DIPPY original is laced not only with “do do doops” but ALSO with “do do doop do doop da dums” and transform it into a rock hit? Honestly, I’d be fine if they just gave him the title tomorrow night and called it a season.

If they did, I’d be a little sad for Jason Castro, who is the only other singer who didn’t put me to sleep on Mariah night. I enjoyed his bongo stylized take on “I Don’t Want To Cry,” even though I loved Randy’s description of it as music you’d hear in the distance at a beach luau. So mean, but so true, and yet so what? And by the way, no one stares down a retreating “Idol” cam with more intensity than crystal-eyed Jason Castro. That look gives me more shivers than a beach luau with a dying bonfire.

The rest of them didn’t do a lot for me.

More and more each week, I have to believe that the judges are being either ordered or bribed to pile the praise on David Archuleta. What are they seeing that I’m not? He’s kind of a cheesy little kid with nice pipes, but it’s almost painful to watch him. He’s awkward, and the leather pants were NOT a wise choice. Furthermore, anyone care to place a wager on how many more uplifting songs he can find whose titles are variations on “When You Believe”?

And although I still love that raspy, smoky quality in Brooke White’s voice — and think she’s eons more talented than many of her competitors — I’ve been watching her crumble the last few weeks. She missed a key on the piano tonight and rushed through the ending of her otherwise cleverly unplugged version of “Hero.” Girl needs to get it TOGETHER.

I actually thought both Syesha with “Vanishing” and Carly with “Without You” sang nicely, but both performances were what Simon likes to call “forgettable.” How do I know? I’ve already forgotten them.

And as for KLC, well, that poor thang. As I watched her on stage in her little Stepford Wives getup, I realized that she’s not a bad singer, she’s just not good enough to stand up there with her competitors. I know everyone loves an underdog, but can we put her out of her misery this week PLEASE????

So what did you think? Was Brook’s song missing the beef, the bun or the condiments? How convenient is it that Mariah’s new album “drops” today? And who will join Michael Johns in the long, painful limbo better known as waiting for the “Idol” tour?

Something about “American Idol” is making me a little bored. Thank the Smoky Mountains that little pint-sized powerhouse Dolly Parton was around to keep things interesting this week.

Why am I bored?

I think it’s because every week for the past three weeks, the judges have had more or less the same criticisms of each contestant. And for the past three weeks, the contestants have sung more or less the same kinds of songs.

And for the past three weeks, the miserable and CLEAR bottom three — Syesha Mercado, Ramiele Malubay and Kristy Lee Cook — have just kept hanging and hanging and hanging on, and there’s no indication that Ramiele is going anywhere. Ever.

I think my boredom could possibly go away if those three did.

But since that outcome is iffy, let’s discuss the same-old-same-oldness that Tuesday night brought, with one exception…

Carly Smithson: I’ve been waiting and waiting to see just a small glimmer of the wonderfulness Carly purportedly possesses, and I think tonight I finally did. Maybe it’s just because I love “Here You Come Again,” (one of five Dolly songs on my iPod.) Her arrangement was modern and heartfelt, and her delivery finally didn’t feel all that desperate. There’s still something slightly off-putting about her. (Though, unlike pot-calling-the-kettle-poorly-dressed Simon, I don’t think it’s her fashion sense.) She grew on me this week. That’s all I’m saying.

Brooke White and Jason Castro: My two favorites were still good this week, though both are letting their acts get a little stale. For Brooke, her soulful but safe “Jolene” was a bit too reminiscent of too many past performances. And it took just a few strums of Jason’s “Traveling Through” to hear that he had defiantly ignored the judges’ advice last week to mix it up a little. If he doesn’t try something new soon, I’m going to have to replace him with…

David Cook, who continues to impress with his originality and rock-star believability. Plus, he gets the award for Most Improved Hair. I was starting to wonder if that moppy, moppy top was hiding an atrocity more severe than just a gargantuan forehead. I’m relieved to see that all is well under there.

Michael Johns, meanwhile, managed to deliver a memorable performance for the second consecutive week, bluesin’ up “It’s All Wrong But It’s All Right” (another of my Dolly iPod selections.) His voice is finally showing some range, though I hope he didn’t injure his instrument with that tightly wrapped scarfy thing. Slap a Burt Reynolds mustache on that guy, and he could have been a character in one of Dolly’s cheesy ’80s movies.

David Archuleta: The judges seemed to love his delivery of “Smoky Mountain Memories” and commended him on his song selection. But I didn’t buy it. Pretty sure the closest he’s ever been to the Smoky Mountains was that Josh Groban Piano camp he attended last summer. I like little Davey less every week.

Those girls who need to go: I don’t have much more to add about Kristy Lee, Ramiele and Sysesha except to ask them to please leave that mega tub of glitter eye shadow in the dressing room area when they go.

So what did you think? Was Carly much improved? What does Simon have against sparrows? And will one of the outclassed three finally go on Wednesday?

Note: Denise is on vacation. This week’s Idol commentary is provided by guest blogger Monica.

Was it just me or did this show go on…and on…and on? I am a Beatles fan, and will even admit I am old enough to remember watching their first appearance on Ed Sullivan. So I don’t much like the melodies being reworked. And I didn’t like much of what I saw tonight, including Simon in his too-tight muscle shirt. That may explain why he seemed grumpier than usual.

If I had to name a best performance, I would have to go with Carly Smithson. And as you all know she is not a favorite of mine, so you know how disappointed I was in the show tonight. For once she sang something but loud, at least at first, although she reverted to loud at the end. My second favorite was the hottie in disguise, David Cook. I didn’t get that voice box thing in the middle. I thought his microphone went out! But otherwise, I liked his version of Daytripper. My tie for third will go to Brooke and Jason. Both of them seemed too self-conscious of their performance for the first time, and to me that took away a lot of the charm and grace they had in earlier performances. Still, I was smiling all through both of their songs and not just waiting for them to end.

And no, I’m not forgetting David the golden boy. A sweet kid and he sings beautifully, but talk about a one trick pony. The minute he gets away from “really sensitive” songs, he has problems. His song had too many “oh oh oh” trill notes in it for me to call it, as Simon did, masterful. To me, he is as predictable as Amanda. I thought she did fine too, but not an earthshaking performance. It was interesting to see her show a bit more personality in interacting with the judges. And if Simon is as consistent as he has been this season, the minute she does sing a ballad, he will tell her to stick with what she does best.

The judges seemed taken by Syesha Mercado. With Randy and Simon, I suspect it was her decision to take advantage of her other gift, the cleavage. I can only think her low cut top was an effort to get more votes from men. She was fine singing Yesterday, but why did I think she was thinking as she sang: “Why did I have to blow my last performance so bad when the day before yesterday I was really hot stuff?” With that I finally realized why I don’t like her. She just thinks she is so hot!

I thought both Michael Johns’ and Chikezie’s arrangements were disjointed messes. I want Michael and Chikezie to do well but somehow (except for Chikezie last week) they always disappoint. I must agree though, that when Chikezie can get some energy into an arrangement he is at his best. Ramiele tried to liven it up for a change from last week. She was cute and hit some good strong notes, but I have to agree with Simon that her song choice was not good and it was a bit high school musical theater. I kept expecting her to have a cane in hand and bounce her little hat off of it.

And finally, will Kristy Lee Cook just hide her voice away? She kept her eye popping and nose scrunching to a minimum tonight, but once again that heavy, off key, twangy arrangement coupled with her rocking on one foot was just too painful to watch. Paula summed it up perfectly when she said, “You look gorgeous tonight”.

So I can only hope that Kristy will be sent home this week and that my favorites, David Cook, Brooke White and Jason Castro come back strong next week.

Denise, I hope you are having a great vacation, and thank you for letting me be your understudy this week.

Now I must get to my not pink cell phone and start voting!