Phil Stacey's Idol Thoughts

Straight up, now tell me — WHAT is Paula Abdul smoking and where can I get some?

Honestly, I don’t understand why FOX isn’t subjecting this woman to random drug tests. She’s higher than a kite, blathering her way though one of the most watched television programs in America and robbing poor Syesha Mercado of her chance to get any actual feedback because the poor girl sang last, and Paula had filled up so much time with her altered state, there simply wasn’t time. (And shame on Simon for egging her on.)

Pretty sad when that’s the headline of the night. But I’ll try to dig up a few more.

The ladies did a bit better this week, though by my count, they’re still no where near the men.

My favorite performance of the night came from Brooke White, the type of girl I’d normally dislike for her pure-as-the-driven-snow persona, but who might be the only girl who didn’t mangle at least five notes. Her acoustic “Love is A Battlefield” was, in the originality category, the equivalent of David Cook’s “Hello” on Tuesday. I continue to love the raspy quality of her voice, and she might be the only one of the women who can actually sell the emotion of her song.

I liked several other performances, but with serious reservations. Carly Smithson indeed delivered some killer notes on “I Drove All Night,” but Simon was right — could she have chosen a more nothing song?

Meanwhile, Ramiele Malubay also belted out some nice ones on “Against All Odds,”  but she’s got three things working against her. 1.) Terrible, horrible clothes — straight off the K-Mart mannequin, best I can tell. 2.) Terrible, horrible habit of smacking her lips between every syllable, though she toned it down considerably from last week. 3.) She’s dead inside. But she’s cute, so let’s keep her.

The two who dared to do Whitney — Syesha Mercado with “Saving All My Love”  and Asia’h Epperson with “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” both pulled it off, but they also bug me for similar reasons. 1.) Too dang peppy. 2.) Unflattering, high-waisted diaper-esque pants that should have been left in the 1980s. (This means you too, Smithson.)

I think the two to go will be (obviously) Kady Malloy, who’s bizarre delivery of some Queen song I’ve never heard was probably her last free pass on that stage, and Kristy Lee Cook, who’s a gorgeous little gal but who couldn’t find a note in Journey’s “Faithfully” to save her life.

Of course, if life was fair, the first person to go would be Amanda Overmyer. My jaw dropped when the trio of judges gushed over her “I Hate Myself For Loving You.” I know I can’t be the only one who notices that THIS WOMAN CANNOT SING. Someone please explain to me what in the name of Ryan Seacrest is going on here. Is she bribing the judges? Threatening them? Brainwashing them with her magic blond bangs? I seriously have nothing against her other than her utter lack of talent. I just want to understand.

So what do you think? Does Paula need a shower and some black coffee? Is Amanda as bad as my ears keep insisting she is? And which of these two girls will be gone on Thursday?

It’s hard to get too excited about the first few nights of “American Idol.”

For one, the contestants are virtual strangers to us. We don’t yet really know who they are, what they can do or whether the reason they just butchered that song was more due to bronchitis, nerves or just good old fashioned suckitude. That’s where I sort of am with the top 12 girls, who performed on Wednesday night.

Some of them were good to partly brilliant. But most of them were just kind of. . . blah. There were some decent moments, but no LaKisha, belting out that Jennifer Hudson number. “AND YOU! AND YOU! AND YOU!”

That said, at least there are no truly yukkos among the ladies, so Wednesday was already an improvement over Tuesday’s often icky buffet of boys.

Let’s break them down into categories like we did the guys.

JUDGES FAVORITES: Randy and Paula loved ‘em all, of course, but only a few female contestants earned unanimous endorsements.

The judges were pretty enthusiastic about 16-year-old Alaina Whitaker, who was perky and cute and fresh. But in my opinion, she was good only compared with the two snoozers who preceded her.

They also liked grieving singer Asia’h Epperson, who lost her father to an accident right before her audition. Thank goodness Asia’h nailed her delivery of “Take Another Little Piece of My Heart” because how painfully awkward would it have been to watch the judges rip her? For her sake and ours, it’s time to leave her personal tragedy behind — at least on the show. (I’m also rooting for her, btw, because she’s from my parents’ homeland — Joplin, Mo. Go Four-States!)

Also getting praise was Ramiele Malubay, who sang “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me.” Well, I know that, but I will anyway. I love her, and let me count the ways. 1. She’s adorable. 2. She makes Ryan Seacrest look positively tall. 3. Great singer. 4. Knows what’s important about her idol experience. “Hair and makeup!”

The judges were also into Syesha Mercado, who was energetic and on-tune during her performance. But “Tobacco Road?” Didn’t Phil Stacey JUST sing that song last season? Are there so few good songs from the 60s that we’re repeating already? Don’t answer that.
JUDGES FAVORITES BUT I DON’T GET IT: Amanda Overmyer. Really? I mean, REALLY? I don’t get this girl, from her little blond bangs to her big Lisa Maria Presley snarl. And if you ask me, her singing is a garbled, unintentionally funny mess. But for some reason, the judges are into it. I think I’m gonna have to suffer through a lot more of Little Miss Rocker Pants.

I’m also not that into Alexandrea Lushington, who sang “Spinning Wheel.” Simon wasn’t as excited as his colleagues, and I could see why. She was a little off tune and a lot boring.

JUDGES DON’T LIKE HER AND I DON’T GET IT: Brooke White is, I admit, a little too sweet and sugary. But in the land of “American Idol,” we are whatever The Clip Editors say we are. I like her, I liked her throaty yet playful take on “So Happy Together,” and I predict she’ll do better with the judges in coming weeks.

Same goes for Joanne Borgella, the sassy plus-sized model who seemed paralyzed by fear on Wednesday but who I hope will emerge from that fear and at least MOVE her feet a little.

BORING PRETTY GIRLS: Appearing to suffer from the Antonella Barba curse (though no nekkid pics, so far) were Kristy Lee Cook, Amy Davis and Kady Malloy. I predict that one if not two of them are toast on Thursday.

CARLY SMITHSON: Not sure how to feel about her. The tattooed one took quite a beating this week when it was discovered that she’d had a major record contract in her teen years. Now, fair or not fair, she’s enduring more scrutiny than any of the other contestants. (And apparently has bronchitis.) Frankly, I thought she was boring and a little hard to watch. Her own hype might just do her in, if her compromised air passages don’t get her first.

So what did you think? Was Simon particularly cranky on Wednesday night? Was Paula particularly incoherent? Were the girls better than the guys? And who will get the high heeled boot on Thursday?

Discuss.